Feelings

also, this is more thoughts for therapy but its 2023, im on meds for anxiety/depression/pmdd…. ive been able to think and process my trauma much more since beginning the medication and aside from family trauma, i need to heal the trauma i have from learning about intimacy online. genuinely repulsed by remembering this period of my life but i hope some day im able to talk to someone about it to move forward with support. until then ill continue trying on my own. but its very much largely affected me, and i believe it continues to affect the children in current and future generations. sources online feed mostly into romanticizing trafficking and pedophilia, violence, and rape have shaped my views of intimacy and relationships. my own parents are much older than me, and have very weak communication skills. they are controlling, though i was also affected with their threats of violence as punishment. used mostly for intimidation, they dont realize the psychological trauma caused is the same as if they did physically hurt me. im always on edge and believe love must come in a form of distant affection that includes intimidation. sexual assault has happened to me, many times, from people in positions of authority, and people my own age i trusted as a friend. at least 2 im able to remember now. joined with introduction to omegle and online “dating” sites that target children. by the time i was in high school i had joined multiple, for validation, and i was naïve though i believe it began late elementary, early middle school. kik was another platform that was seemingly innocent. today there are still predators on snapchat actively looking for victims, though it is not me. i worry for the trauma it will cause on those affected, and those who willingly become trafficked out of stupidity, as i would have been. still something i have to figure out for myself

lol so many new things… SO many, but fleeting? thought i just had to write here: ive literally made myself emotionally unavailable to everyone romantically bc ive idealized a man that lives hundreds of miles away and barely communicates with me. its dumb but ive been holding out, hoping he makes an effort to connect with me. he has previously expressed being interested in me (prepandemic) and recently we both said we wanted to make more of an effort to actually converse with each other. only problem is, i ask questions to learn things but he just shares personal things… idk im not able to just say things to people randomly that i find substantial enough… just frustrated bc i want more than what he gives and yet i cant move past him until i get more

people have really been boosting my confidence recently with respect to validation that i am attractive. like my aunt came to visit and was like ohhh my goddd youre stunning (which isnt a huge booster since shes family), but also i think im starting to recognize that i am genuinely good looking?? not to get a big head or anything but im recognizing more often that guys that i think are attractive (and even ones that dont) think that i am attractive too which is a huge booster. and today my cousin mentioned that either she could tell or they told her that the boat boys from the 4th all were into me as well and that the only reason i dont have guys all over me all the time is bc i stay distant and dont have straight guy friends

addition to first kiss story bc i spoke to my cousin about what happened and she reminded me of some stuff. when we were on the boys boat again and i was crying, my cousin thought my sugar was low and had already announced to almost everyone that i have diabetes. she made the boy who i kissed first feed me bread from a meat sub and honestly it was really cute. like most wholesome part of the day probably. we just sat next to each other and he would rip a piece of bread off and feed it to me. i thought it was humorous bc i didnt feel low and i told him he didnt need to feed me bc i was alright but he told me that my cousin thought i was and she made him to keep feeding me bread so thats what he was going to do. i was just like haha thank you :-)) so much. honestly really appreciated the concern and he fuckin hand fed me bread

fuckin house party w fireworks going off and all like literally 10tf away. the first boy got out of the pool and called my name and i looked up. he came over and asked “did you bring a swim suit?” i said no. he asked “do you want to go in the hot tub?” i might have gone but i wasnt wearing a bra and was cold so i def wasnt going to wear a wet shirt. i shook my head no and he asked “are you okay?” i said “yeah, im just really tired” and he was like okay. i closed my eyes again and after a few minutes my cousin came over to ask if i wanted to go inside the house to sleep until she was ready to go. i was like i feel weird about it but yes pls. so we go inside and i see the first boy again, just on his phone and laying on the ground behind the couch as we walk in. weird but okay. no one says anything and he doesnt look away from his phone. i go lay on the couch and immediately am in fake sleep mode so no one talks to me bc i didnt have enough energy for a convo and i was hoping that when the first boy got up that hed see i wasnt giving him a lame excuse, im literally just really tired. after a while he asks for a ride w someone home and tells him that he doesnt want to say goodbye to anyone bc he doesnt want to explain why he needs to leave. he was clearly upset but didnt say anything more. some time later my cousin came to find me and we left. when we got in her car i saw a snapchat notification from him around the time he left. i wondered if it said anything about the reason he left and i partially thought it might have been that he found out i also made out w the second boy and thats why he was so upset. when we got back to my cousins house i was getting in bed when i got a notification that he was typing and then one that said he sent something. i didnt open them until this morning and it said something along the lines of “im sorry if i offended you in any way, i didnt mean to” and i replied “lol you didnt offend me. why would you think you offended me??” he told me that my cousin made it seem like i was (even tho she didnt do anything like that?? maybe telling him to talk to me like in a flirty way and he assumed it meant that i was upset w him and he needed to talk to me) i told him she didnt mean it that way and he said i was probably right. i asked him if he was okay bc everyone was worried when he left and he said yes and thats about it. i talked to my cousin and she wants us to all get together again soon so.... to be continued ig

“i never really liked [cousins name], even when we were talking, as much as i like you. whenever i see you im like, i LIKE her. ya know? like thats my girl” i felt at some point then that he was kind of just rambling like slow word vomit but i also didnt know what to say in response to him bc im not used to people coming onto me and its a weird way to flirt to me (like i def appreciate it but i dont think id ever have a convo of me just talking, telling someone constant compliments even drunk) but i think i was kinda just looking at him smiling and giving lil giggles. i got annoyed tho bc i was like wtf is he not going to kiss me like at this point its weird just do it. and then i kissed him. and then we were making out. like tongue and all. no clue if i was good or not but i think i was?? i was leading (honestly who would have thought) but also i was kinda just like :-// this is nice but also not exciting. i have no clue how long we were making out for but it was a while. no clue why we stopped (prob bc i was bored) or what was said after but then (i think?) i went back to my cousins boat bc she had to take her bc and i ate. when we went back to the boys boat we saw two other boys from the boat and started going back with one. he was wearing a cowboy hat and i complimented him on it while putting my hand on his face. back on the boat after a while i started making out with the new boy (what?? who me?? almost 21 before having my first kiss and i just so happen to makeout w two boys on the same day only like an hour apart??). he was a much better kisser and i was running my fingers through his hair and all before he was said “we have to stop.” i was like huh?? but i just whispered in his ear “why?” and kissed his neck when he started replying with “because- oh my god youre making this really hard for me to say no. we just have to.” so i was like fine. i think i found my cousin after that and we were talking and i started crying bc i felt bad about kissing both of them. like the first boy was clearly into me and had good intentions but was a boring kisser and i completely was just like, fuck it hes cute about the second guy but he was a good kisser. AND theyre friends and the first guy might have seen or been told bc we were either on his boat or only 2 boats away at most. i think i eventually found the first guy after that and made out w him again (could have been before i cried but i think it was after??) we were picked up later and the first guy found me just before i got in the water and said “im sorry if i offended you in any way or for being to forward” and i was like?? “no youre fine, you didnt offend me” like you werent being too forward?? im the one who kissed you?? im the one who was leading?? unless you just mean complimenting me profusely before i kissed you as too forward bc you didnt touch me in even a slightly innapropriste way while we were making out?? then we left and bc i was staying over my cousins house, we met up w a boy she found on the boats and his guy boat friends at his house and then for food. my cousin and i didnt eat and at this point i was sober and very tired bc i pulled an all nighter the night before. we went to another one of their guy boat friends house party that both boys i kissed went to. not many people were there when we showed up but the guy i kissed first was already there and in the hot tub. on the way over i heard he was already really really fucked up (on molly i think?) bc my cousins boy heard from someone he was on the phone w who was already there. i wasnt really expecting to talk to him then bc it b like that but my cousin was mad that he hadnt aknowledged me even after he got in the pool to play basketball. we didnt have swimsuits but my cousin went in the hot tub when her boy asked her to. at this point the second boy was there along with a lot more people. i was just sitting at the fire alone and so fuckin tired i thought id throw up. i decided to close my eyes to conserve energy or some shit and shielded my eyes with a hand so hopefully no one would see me lackin at a

journaling this bc its BIG news and im already forgetting most of it a day later. i went out and partied w my cousin on her boat for the 4th of july and had my first kiss!! we started drinking at noon and after finishing one drink we went to find her guy friends boat. his boy had just recently added me on snap and followed on insta after swiping up on my cousins story of me but never hit me up. we went through the water on a far search for the boys boat (this is during the corona virus pandemic and holy hell wtf literally there were thousands of boats and tens of thouands of people, mostly all avid trump supporters (obvi, and gross!!) but also seeing that many people was shocking to me and yet so exciting bc ive been cautious and not been around many people and i just missed the possibility of so much potential drama) and we had almost given up before spotting them on our way back to her boat. i see the boy who added me while still in the water, my cousin was already talking to him on the boat (i assume about me) and he called out my name, then gave a little wave and smile. im not sure how long he watched me but i hope not long bc i prob looked very stupid trying to get on the boat and had already slipped and fell on multiple boats. my cousins and i went off and met/mingled with a few people before i sat on the empty drivers seat/two person couch while talking to my cousin. i didnt think we had been on the boat that long but my cousin had already complained to me that he was being fuckin weird for not coming over and talking to me and that she thought the reason was bc he was scared id reject him bc hes self consious. anyway, so sitting on the chair the boy then came over and sat next to me, though he, as a person, is timid. im not sure at what point but my cousin pulled him aside a few times to tell him to go for it w me (i think it was before he came over to me bc we had already asked for and recieved another drink from his cooler). i was very drunk (white claws and jello shots, u kno) so i dont remember much of my conversations but i know that at least the three of us were having a convo and it felt a little awkward bc i could tell he wanted to try to touch me (like arm around the shoulder and other innocent touch) and he was def giving me insane eye contact but after a while he left and i didnt know when hed be back. it was just a min tho (my drunk ass) and he was right behind me the whole time. he came back w another drink for me as i was finishing another and i was like omg for me???? thank you so much!! again im not 100% sure of the order of events to this story but then i believe my cousin then told me i had mascara on my eyelid (not sure if i actually did or if it was just a clever plan of hers) and i wiped it once before i asked if i got it and she told us to have him get it. i looked at him and was like did i get it? and he just said “you look as beautiful as ever” and i was just like ppftttt thank you (mind you this is also the first time weve seen/met each other so i was confused bc?? i felt like that was the first time he saw me so he didnt have much to compare it to but also super sweet bc then i felt like he thought i couldnt ever look bad) but then i was like?? did i get it tho?? we had more conversation and he started to touch me (i think??) a little and he put his arm around me and like complimented and marked his territory of me through the convo and touch. i completely forget the convos but eventually my cousin left us and we were just sitting there bein kinda flirty and he tells me (this i think is a little weird bc my cousin and him were talking at one point and she still kinda has a thing for him and i feel like by one of the compliments he gave me was also kinda putting her down?? i think shes super pretty tho and i dont think he meant it in a mean way). im not sure if its bc he was drunk or nervous but he told me that whenever my cousin would post me hed been sliding up and bein like “thats my girl” and then (this is the compliment i was talking about, though i dont remember the exact wording)

tennessee boy and i were snapchatting last night and he told me he loves snapchatting me while jerking off & later clarified he meant he jerks off to me/my snapchats?? it sounds strange but weve snapchatted for over 2 years daily, both expressed interest in each other & mentioned the possibility of sex a few times & we want to meet up to get to know each other better bc we dont converse much, usually just selfies back and forth. he really doesnt know much about me and i feel that he doesnt put much effort in to getting to know me but it could just be that he doesnt know what to say? bc i feel intimidated to start convos w him too bc idk what to say and he says its easier to get to know each other in person which i agree w and its the reason weve been able to talk about meeting up. but heres the most confusing part to me: i rarely ever wear makeup & when i do its just mascara, ive never sent him anything suggestive or revealing, the most hes seen of me have only been a few fully clothed mirror pics, and when hes asked if i want nudes/dick pics of him (only like 3 times in the 2 years) i told him it would make me feel uncomfortable (didnt tell him the reason bc he didnt ask but its bc im super unexperienced and havent even had my first kiss). so hes basically just jacking off to my selfies while we snapchat & i think him telling me is him testing the water to see how i reciprocate since we dont sext or send explicit pics. hes always super respectful, even when he tells me hes masturbating to me, and i lowkey get turned on when he tells me. but i dont understand!! why does he jerk off to snapchats of my face?? like does he have a crush on me? i dont send him pics of my body and he knows i wont send anything sexual so whats the point in telling me if he doesnt have a crush on me? is he really that attracted to my bare natural face bc ive always thought he was way out of my league??? am i overthinking this? i have a feeling hes going to do it again not super far in the future so i want to know what to do and what im getting myself into

been talkin to no boys & the tennessee boy isnt showing any effort so neither am i anymore. BUT my sister and her best friend have exposed me more to the best friends brother who ive always been intimidated by and slightly crushed on. i feel connected to him bc were both autoimmuno deficient (as weird as that sounds lolol) but hes a known hoe and im not trying to jump into anything w anyone til i trust them a lot. i have a feeling he knows id want a relationship and not just a fuck but i also think he wouldnt mind settling down a bit?? not saying hes trying, we dont even talk, but ive heard hes interested & im excited to see if anything happens from my quarantine exposure to him

lmao boy w promise ghosted me a few times. but also!! coronacation started last week & tennesse boy lowkey admitted to having a crush on me & wanting to mega fuck. showed a lot of interest in actually meeting up too so the virus isnt that bad rn other than quarantine :-)))

found a tinder boy who wants to eat the rich. hes promising

tennessee boy is showing interest and im finally starting to feel validated but in the most confusing way because this is attention is only coming from someone so far away, im afraid i portray myself differently and thats the only reason im getting the validation i crave so much

i want to feel in control of my life

why did i let myself develop a crush on someone who lives so far away & doesnt reciprocate my feelings