I can be sarcastic for the both of us.

You were standing in my house, the one I bought two years after your death.  Standing in the arched phone niche, you looked at me and smiled. I was so excited and said “It’s been so long! I’ve missed you” I was so happy to see you, not sad at all.  You hugged me and I could feel the embrace and it felt just like your hugs.  Strong and comforting.  You looked down the hallway to a brightly lit doorway – and cocked your head towards it with a smile on your face, as if to say – let’s go!   I turned towards it and then back at you, confused, and said, “I can’t go” shook my head No “I’m not done yet!” You looked again towards the light and back at me. “I have grandbabies now” I said.  “You would love them”.  Then I looked down at my feet, as if embarrassed, and said “And then there’s John, I can’t leave John”.  You kissed the top of my head, as you often did.  I looked back up at you – you hugged me again – kissed my cheek….. we smiled at each other, and you walked towards the light.

I actually check in daily on Tumblr - even if I don’t post. Tumblr still gots it.  Nevada had a quick Summer - although way hotter than normal for a Reno Summer. And the crisp Fall air awaits us each morning.  I can hear the Canadian Geese in the mornings, squawking and flying over head and I curse them (with a smile). After 27 years here - their noise means Winter will be upon us soon and they’ll hang out here till it gets too cold.  I dread they day they leave though - that means some hard core Winter shit is on its way.  Last year - they checked out of Reno really early and deep Winter hit us hard in what seemed like the very next day. Anyways as time passes, here I am thinking perhaps I should update you,Tumblr world, on what I have been up to.

A.  Still have not quit my job.  I just chuckled when I typed that.  Two reasons,   I had some stuff going on with my foot and I kid you not - people are still quitting. So, as I mentioned before I’ve had to wear a walking boot and have worn it for basically all of September, went and had an MRI, to which we found out that I in fact had ruptured the tendon in my foot back probably back in the beginning of June. There’s scar tissue and swelling there now.  By the time the MRI was done etc. the walking boot had started to accelerate the healing process.  In the interim - the boot messed up my knee - LOL.  Well we can’t have everything... Suffice to say - I need to stick around for insurance purposes... 

B. 65 days alcohol free. Again I thought some big deal would happen to my body but then people have said, Wait till you hit 60 days, but nothing really big has at 65.  Still less brain fog and I can remember Saturday night - bwahaha. But overall though - nothing real major.  Well the swelling in my feet hasn’t been as bad - so there’s that - I’ve got that. John likes to remind me that I wasn’t that big of drinker, as much as I thought.  Maybe he’s right. It has been kind of fun to have a great time sober and not wake up feeling remorseful, my body feeling like crap, and not remembering stuff.  I miss booze though - I miss the taste of Maker’s and coke - I mean the actual taste of Maker’s and Coke.  It’s quite delicious. I have decided though that my alcohol free days will end at 91 - the day before we leave for Mexico. Funny -  I also thought some big epiphany would happen being alcohol free.  Like I’d discover the secret of land of Narnia or something.... Yeah - that didn’t happen. Still a head case - HA! 

C. Speaking of nothing that big happening with my body, I guess that’s not completely true.  I have lost weight.  Down 25 now.  Still trying to keep it low carb and counting calories. It may be the lack of booze but I really think the calorie counting is the bulk of it. Exercise is still not an option with my foot and knee but trying hard to move as much as I can. John set up the water rowing machine so that I can do the arm movements but not the leg part - that actually is hard and a good workout.  The goal was to be the weight I was last year before we left for Europe - but this time before I leave for Mexico.... Does that make sense? LOL.  Which sucks that I put that much weight on in the Spring....But if I can get another 10 pounds down before I leave I’ll be stoked.

Not that I have that many followers - I used to actually - years ago - when Tumblr was more of a writing blog - not that I wrote much - lol - but I followed quite a bit that did - damn talented people - could write better shit than most famous authors I swear - lots have left, to where I’m not sure - they didn’t tell me - just quit writing - and I miss them. 

I still put my thoughts down but not like I used to.  And this has become more of weight loss and should I quit my job blog(?) - lol.  Now that I have swayed to the weight loss blogs -  I feel like it helps a bit when I am low - to just keep going.

Anywho - my update --   Here is goes:

1.  Still have not quit my job - each time I tried in the month of August to do it - someone had already turned in their resignation - and that’s no joke.  It’s not a horrible place to work - it’s really not.  But the merging of two large Creative Studios has it’s toll on people. For them, the stress of it all wasn’t worth it. (much how I feel)  And if you are top notch in the gaming industry - regardless of your position - you have the ability to go anywhere. (after your non compete, of course).  I’d love to come back to the company after my “break” so I didn’t want to upset my boss, the VP, by saying Adios after she has lost some major players.  I also had another run in with my health -  in regards to my foot (ruptured tendons) to which I thought - you know I need to fix this first.... So here I am still trudging along - literally in fact, since I have a walking boot. bwahaha. 

2.  In the interim, other thoughts were floating around in my brain. Would I actually get up everyday and do this??  Could I be that disciplined?  I’ve never not had the routine of a job - for people who can fall into depression easily - routine is necessary (even if the job itself is causing depression).  And although I had been disciplined in the past - to lose weight - train for events etc even while working - would I actually do it this time while not working? The main focus of me taking my break was taking care of myself - losing weight - getting my health in order - and finding my joy again. Could I do it or just fall into a deeper depression?  I over think EVERYTHING.  

3. I still want to quit - it’s just on hold for the moment.  In order to prove to myself that I could still be that gal from years past - disciplined to lose weight and train  and didn’t need unemployment to get there - I gave myself some goals to hit - if I could hit those then surely I would be fine unemployed (once I could muster up the courage to actually quit - HA!).

4.  My goals; A. take a break from drinking till we leave for Mexico (November), B. go as low carb as I want to and journal my food, C. small weight loss goal. Where am I in these three -  A.  I have not had a drink in 37 days, B. I have stuck to low carb eating (some days better than others) and journaled for 35 days, C. Small weight loss - 10 pounds.   I really haven’t felt that much different from not drinking - which is like my favorite past time :)  - I was hoping for clarity on my life - lol - no hangovers on the weekend is amazing but I’m still in this funk that I can’t snap out of - where I thought not drinking might help. There is some pride as each day passes and I don’t drink. The low carb seems easier this time around, I’ve upped my numbers of carbs to be more realistic. And allow for life to creep in.  The weight loss could be more but I’m not mobile with my foot, so I’ll take what I can get and be grateful and proud of myself for it.  I want to lose 20 more before November 5th.  Honestly though, if I stay on track with all three - till Mexico/November - I should be take great pride in that.