almost a journal

Just one more day on the right path.

Back home.

A weekend in Berlin.

I'm tired, walked a lot more while there than usual. My body just wants to rest.

That's how long I'm giving myself to be me and like it.

A year to fix my weight.

A year to know if this is my career and stick to it.

A year to build a better financial cushion.

A year to have better self esteem.

This is my contract with myself.

Recently I've been all over the internet looking for ways to change my life for the better. I discovered (well I kinda knew it but I was faced with it recently) that I had gained way too much weight in the past 2 years. Some of it, I'm sure comes from my relationship with my boyfriend -i'm in a caloric relationship as my bff says- and some of it comes from my mental health. On one side, I gained weight because I'm happy and nesting, on the other, I gained weight because I have anxiety and a dissociative disorder that fucks with my life choices on the regular.

Now.. it could've been okay. But healthwise, my body structurally cannot hold my current weight without consequences on my health. A vicious cycle.. cause the worse my physical health is, the worse my mental health is... you see where this is going ? Yeah.. I need to lose the weight.

And this is why I wanted to blog again.

1, for accountability. It's easier for me to write down some of the steps I'm taking toward a better relationship with my body and feel accountable to keep doing it. And this will help me not go nuts on this journey.

2, for the memories. It's not per say my first ride on the "weight loss train" but in the past it was for different reasons and different circumstances. I had an unhealthy lifestyle which I don't have anymore. But, I have very few traces of this period and I find it a little sad cause I wish I could learn from my mistakes and my own experience.

3, for the fun of it all. I love to write. I just do. And I believe that a fitness journey can be tiresome and boring and even sad at times. So this is my way of bringing a little spark in it. Make it fun, instead of an absolute chore.

NOTA BENE : i'm not going on a diet and i'm not only focusing on weightloss. I don't want to get an ED (i have an history so... yeah). This is about my physical health just as much as my mental and spiritual health. I'm a very different person from the first time I had to lose this much weight and I'm not doing this now, for the same reasons. I've come to realise that I have changed a lot in the past 3 years and I need to understand who I am, where I'm going, what I want from life and how my body will support me through that.

So yeah. I'm writing again to do all this.

What a week. May 28th

May 14th

Brain is melting. The first few weeks in a company are always A LOT. I almost feel dumb because of the amount of stuff I have to learn.

Thankfully, coworkers & boss are nice and it's a small business so there's no pressure to be fully operational already (started 2 weeks ago......).

Well, we'll see how that goes. In the meantime:

❏ don't overdose on coffee

❏ finish EoS/ToD tandem read this week

❏ go swimming this weekend

❏ set down a comprehensive description of my obsidian database

May 9th - wfh

Boyfriend & I are trying our first "both working from home" day and... I'll be listening to Electro/Techno whether he's working in the next room. It came to our attention that I sing along with the music while I work 🙃😂 so... No lyrics when he's around.

❏ have a proper PowerPoint template for future presentations

❏ don't forget to eat

❏ FINISH THAT BOOK