Well it could always be worse. Right?

It's become abundantly clear that the lack of practice has not been great.

There it was again.

Again with the seasonal downsies.

Hitting a little harder each time when there's a sliver of solitude and silence.

This shit is tiring.

The immense weight of regret comes and goes, and I still can't figure out the pattern.

Today I felt not good

I felt fake

I felt this before

But this time it's different

So

So

2 months

or

2 years

It hasn't been the best year

Some good days, some gooder days

Still questioning many decisions

Well there it is.

I finally did it.

Walking away from this company is probably one of the greatest challenges i've faced.

I'll be leaving behind a lot of good people, but i hope i get to maintain the relationships with them.

Been thinking a lot about my life choices lately.

Today i got reminded of the anxiety of yesteryears.

The start of it all.

And it was sorely sore.

So much left to unpack and process.

It's a different kind of adventure, but also not so different.

There's exploration, spontaneity with a plan, abrupt changes, and a flow.

Flow.

Cue the line from Hilary Duff's "Coming clean".

The pain is still there though.

The fantasy that I hold on to.

Where the continuum of change brings us full circle.

Maybe I'm too caught up in the past and my penchant for rumination and nostalgia is clouding my logical and emotional judgement.

This still sucks. To an extent.

Sometimes i catch myself worrying.

This bout of negativity is perpetuating longer than i would like it to be.

I've suddenly lost composure and a grip on reality.

Work dreams/nightmares are getting scarily closer to reality, the sense of loneliness still permeates 98% of my existence.

I'm so caught in this vicious cycle of indecision that I'm not feeding either of the wolves inside me.

They're just.

Starving.

Maybe i don't know how to reach out for help. Maybe i think i am but i'm really not.