Mixed Signals.

Circa September 2023

I never thought you'd end up in the same place as my last letter for the person unavailable is based on, but here we are. I thought I had my path figured out all this time. I thought I could finally leave the tree of life and become the best version of myself. The tree of life has become an anchor that pulls me down the moment I try to head down the path of self improvement. You gave me a sense of purpose for a while and I'll always cherish that, but that purpose and more importantly that fate, it wasn't mine.

I really mean it when I say that this song doesn't come from a place of hatred or indifference. It comes from a place of acceptance and even happiness. I've accepted the fact that I belong at the tree of life. I'm taking a leap of faith knowing full well it's a mistake, but it's a mistake I have to make.

"You'd tell me I'm cynical but I just happen to know what comes next"

I celebrated my 18th birthday during the peak of quarantine, seeing my friends on an online zoom call, responding to people on Instagram, cutting a cake that my mom made, just a whole lot of wholesome things one's capable of doing during quarantine. I wasn't ungrateful but at the time, I didn't imagine celebrating my 18th birthday like that, in my head I always saw myself celebrating with a huge party that you see in coming of age movies. At that time, it was really just the thought of turning 18 that excited me. I didn't really realize that it's not the label that matters at all, it's what comes after you receive that label.

Sooner or later I started learning how to drive, and I felt like I was introduced to a whole new world, and it was all because of that label of turning 18. I felt like I was on top of the world because of that label. The funny thing is, I didn't realize at the time that when you drive you have to be responsible, and sooner or later I got in a minor accident. In hindsight, it's not the accident that holds any significance in my mind, but it's my ex best friend who I've been apathetic with for a whole year coming to check up on me when the accident happened. That day I just knew I was doing something wrong with my life, because I wasn't sure if I'd do the same for him. I'm glad that happened to me, because I got to rekindle my friendship with a person who showed me all it takes is a simple act of kindness that'll get you out of the hardest situations in life.

I didn't experience turning 18 the way I thought I would, but I'm so grateful I got something even better than that, because the best thing that I learnt when I turned 18, was the significance of being at the right place at the right time.

"The great moments of your life won’t necessarily be the things you do, they’ll also be the things that happen to you. Now, I’m not saying you can’t take action to affect the outcome of your life, you have to take action, and you will. But never forget that on any day, you can step out the front door and your whole life can change forever. You see, the universe has a plan kids, and that plan is always in motion. A butterfly flaps its wings, and it starts to rain. It’s a scary thought but it’s also kind of wonderful. All these little parts of the machine constantly working, making sure that you end up exactly where you’re supposed to be, exactly when you’re supposed to be there. The right place at the right time"

I can't imagine what my life would've been like if this show never existed. I've always been a huge skeptic when it came to the big picture of it all. I really didn't know if the things that were happening to me and the things I did had any meaning at all. That's why I find How I met your mother absolutely beautiful, it doesn't straight up tell you that "hey man everything is gonna be perfect in the end because your life is just a product of destiny" But instead it just shows you how much having hope in the worst of time matters. I love the fact that Ted Mosby is a hopeless romantic and he gets to find his "the one" His character made me fall in love with the idea of being head over heels crazy for one girl, I love that he is in love with the idea of being in love, but that's far from the point. I think I really resonate with Ted because of the sheer love he has for fate. It's not a rational thing to do, it doesn't make sense at all, and he knows it can be purely stupid at times, but he wouldn't give up when he's left with no options and has to turn to the universe to literally make it rain to end up with the girl he loves. I watch How I met your mother in sickness and in health, I watch it when I feel lost, I watch it when things just aren't right in my life, and I watch it when I'm hopelessly in love, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I'll always be grateful to it for making me who I am and inspiring me as an artist.

Circa November 2022

I often ramble on about coming of age movies and songs to my friends and how its one of my favorite genres. There's just something about seeing the naivety and frailty of a teen, seeing their character develop into a mature human being and seeing their transition to adulthood. When I turned 18 I started conceptualizing a vision pretty similar to the songs and movies based on the genre. I was truly learning to cope with the changes in my life and my school life ending soon and before I knew it, my vision started coming together. When I turned 19, I became familiar with the changes around me, I worked on my craft as much as I could and had my first spiritual experience at a hiking trip. I knew what my vision was and I knew it had to be my first EP. I'm turning 20 now and this is usually the sequence in coming of age movies where the character finally finds themselves; the very thought of that bothered me for a while this month. Am I really gonna let fictional character development bother me when I know real life is much more complicated than that and you just can't become who you want to be or do what you set out to do just because the plot is asking for it. I haven't finished my EP which is something I wanted to do before turning 20. It took me a while, but I think I'm over my unnecessary disappointment at this point and I'm finally close to sharing my vision or at least a huge part of it.

Circa March 2023

I was never seeking forgiveness or any semblance of closure with this song. I went to the compost pit numerous times to click these pictures because they meant something at some point, but not anymore. If it wasn't clear already I don't regret anything. I'm glad you're not here.

I've been thinking a lot about fate and destiny while working on my EP even though I'm not very religious when it comes to the concept of fate nor I'm guided by it, I just like using fate to explain what happened between us in the end because it's more comforting than not having a reason. I'm starting to believe maybe you came in my life to help me do things right in the future by helping me learn from my mistakes. I use the things that happened with you as a template of things I did wrong and things that made me feel guilty. I don't ever wanna feel that way again. I'm in a similar situation now and I've been feeling like it's a way for me to pay for my sins by going through deja vu. I feel this massive weight on my shoulders because I'm afraid I'll do the wrong thing again. This is the last time I'm gonna mention you, and I feel like this letter is the conclusion to the story I wanted to convey with my song Unavailable. Thank you.