Mx Snake

Dropping you off at 2am with that rush of dopamine still in my system. Still overcaffeinated, but alive. My heart feels like it can't contain the adrenaline. I never want this feeling to end. I'm gonna keep blasting this music and take the long way home.

I'm where I'm supposed to be in life. I'm finally allowing myself to be vulnerable around someone again. To let my guard down. Have deep meaningful conversations and be authentic.

I'm surrounded by a few people I spend amazing moments with. Make so many plans my whole summer is booked every week. And God, I realise just how isolated I was. How my relationships were tainted with so much need and fear.

Yesterday, I just came back from a 4 day codevelopement trip to a chalet in Stoneham. Had the chance to have deep conversations with some of the people I work with that made it into the professions I might end up in. To have so much fun, bond with people, disconnect from the rest of the world, enjoy beautiful scenery, walks and talks at midnight in the spa. To network, learn about mental health, addiction and clinical writing, share my ambitions, and recieve some guidance. Today, I just finished my forensic psychiatry supervision in which I got recognition and an invitation from my boss to a committee of specialists that provide advice for special difficult psychiatry cases. Five coordinators, four forensic physicatric practitionners, and one psychiatrist. And I could be one of the practitionners, sometimes presenting cases as a representant of my workplace, other times providing clinical insight, hypotheses, potential interventions and guidelines, thanks to my research and mental health expertise.

I also got accepted into an internship as a teacher for kids with learning difficulties or neurodivergence disorders, and also got a call back for an interview with my university to become a mental health event supervisor.

This week, I'm volonteering for a marathon, participating in the general assembly of an association, going to two festivals with two different friends, meeting up with two reasearchers to work on a scoping review and to also learn to do research interviews, participating in another research project, and going on my first bike ride of the summer to my comfort café for lunch that's 2h away.

I'm still working on scientific publishing projects : my first empiric article submitted as a first author, a new scientific journal edition I'm director of, articles I'm preparing for publishment as the coordinator of a science communication contest, the scientific communication training I'm creating to guide new authors.

In a few months, I'm gonna travel with a friend for the first time. In the next two years, I plan to leave the country, with, or without a friend alongside. Only after that will I pursue higher education and start my carreer. I'm not settling before I've seen and lived everything I've been dreaming of, before I fully felt just how free I can be, how nothing can stop me from leaving my comfort zone.

But until then, I'll keep learning to get out of my comfort zone like I did this year : leading support groups and trainings, going to concerts by myself, going to networking events, speaking up for myself and setting boundaries in relationships, putting myself out there, as someone who deserves their place, who has valuable insight and expertise, who knows her shit and can get things done, who can admit his flaws and express all the pain, remorse, fear and shame he kept inside for years. Planning social events with friends, being invested in relationships I feel good in, going camping, going to bars, fuck, just meeting up with people despite my apprehension, just telling them to their goddamn face how nervous I am and watching myself get over it because EXPOSURE THERAPY!! I would be such an hypocrite if I didn't apply what I teach to my own clients. And it feels like such a big relief when I can actually point out my shaking hands and social anxiety to their face and see how they laugh with me and accept me either way. How it can be THAT easy. That simple. How even the most extroverted people can sometimes relate.

I'm so grateful and proud of myself. I love what I do and what I ALLOW myself to do. I love learning to love myself and allowing myself to exist. Realising I don't have to mask. To be someone else. To only be 'Snake'. And that with time, I can be at peace and stop feeling guilty for not being perfect, for the mistakes I did, for the choices I made with what I knew then. Back when I thought I didn't have any safe space to exist. Like I would never become someone at peace. Like I would never feel enough. Like what I felt inside was wrong. And like I needed to hide in order to feel loved as I was, as raw as I felt. That kid was hurting so bad. I was so lost. And for years, I beat myself down for it. But now, I can look at that kid and feel compassion for him. I had nowhere. I didn't have friends I could truely feel connected to after high school. I had trust issues, couldn't bring myself to ask for help, didn't feel like I would ever be accepted and loved if I did. And even internally, I couldn't be myself. The dysphoria of being non-binary without feeling like I had the right nor the space to express it.

Everything felt so suffocating. I had to create Snake in order to escape that reality. Someone who could be loud, because social anxiety was suffocating. Someone who could be 'him', because being nothing else but 'her' felt suffocating. Someone loud, someone raw, someone I could relate to. Because I couldn't relate to myself, I needed an escape. The escape should've been to break the facade, to be authentic. Instead, I used this shield to experience the extremes. I paid the price. Got trapped into that too. For 6-8 years.

I was only 16. And I lost what could've been the best years of my life "pretending" because I felt wrong to the core. But I didn't know any better. I didn't have the opportunity to grow, to heal, to make peace with being myself.

I deserve happiness too. So I forgave myself. And now I'm moving foward. Drawn to becoming whoever I'm meant to be, to the core.

Who is that? I'm not sure yet. All I know is that...

I want to feel loved and cherished.

I want to feel free and alive.

I want to be openly non-binary and unapologetic about it just like I am about being pansexual and mentally ill.

I want to get out of my comfort zone, allow myself to exist without being perfect, and overcome social anxiety.

I want to help people in multiple ways, make a difference for others.

I want to learn, teach, write science.

I want to feel like my work is meaningful, and get recognition, because whenever i do, from a client, a resident, a teacher, a researcher or a supervisor, it feels like closure, like I made it.

I want to travel, try out so many activities, learn about cultures different from mine, experience new things and places.

I want to be independant, but never feel alone anymore.

And most importantly, I want to never betray myself ever again.

I met up with 3 close friends. One being my childhood best friend I had not seen in 8 years. We had the best time together.

I also made two new friends down to meet up and do fun activities together. On top of that, I'm gonna get to know three friends' friends at hangouts soon!

I'm also getting to know new people online and I'll eventually meet at least two this summer/fall.

I feel like if I want to make plans, I always have at least one friend free and down for it. All my weeks have 1 to 5 days of plans with friends 😁

And I feel like if I want to text someone, I'll be able to reach out to someone available that I get along with at pretty much any decent enough time.

And I've started to travel a bit with my best friend. For now, it's a couple of hours away so we do roadtrips or take the train, but in 3 years, we're definitely going to another country together. And before that, hopefully I'm gonna find another travel partner to go to Japan with me in 2 years!! Already have two people in mind, but we're no there yet, we'll see when the time comes. 😌

When I feel empty, my whole body calls for you first, then for a replacement.

Or maybe it's the other way around, maybe the empty I feel from your absence is what drags me to the liquor store.

I'm not proud of myself for that. I drank so much these past two months.

I feel like for a while, I drank as a habit more. But then it went back to being a coping mechanism.

I feel like for a while, I felt surrounded. But then everything got overwhelming and I started to feel alone again.

I'm not sure if being viewed as only Snake helped then. Maybe that's why. When I first met my current online friend, I presented myself as both Snake and my birth name. But then I met her irl and I feel like that made us closer, but at the same time, it's a bit harder with "real life friends" to tell them about all the shit I struggle with.

Texting someone "I need you" is so hard because I'm just so scared of not being understood.

And being around new people who don't talk about their own struggles much because they're in a healthy headspace, sometimes that feels lonely. I worry that they won't be able to relate. Or that I'll sound "apart", or be too much.

I got used to being with people I could just hang out with and either vent with no filter about mental health struggles or share silence while doing a peaceful activity. Or while using.

Also, I'm a bit worried lately. I reconnected with a childhood friend. And I promised her I'd come to a bar with her in May. Despite my apprehensions.

I told her I don't drink. I didn't tell her why. But I did end up drinking with her. I wanted to prove to myself I could just drink like a normal fucking person without going overboard. And I DID but at the same time, it feel hypocritical.

Next weekend, I'm having a sleepover at her camping site, and apparently, they have huge night parties with music, alcohol and drugs. I told her I wouldn't drink. She said I should. But I'm so scared of getting stuck into a pattern and ruining everything by getting myself drunk in a self-harm kind of way.

We don't have the same relationship to alcohol and drugs. She does it to have fun and feel good. I do it to cope and numb. So I feel like she wouldn't understand. And like my drunk and high self would be incompatible with hers.

I think that's the problem. I'm not fun when I'm drunk. It pulls me into the reasons I usually drink for. And I get numb and sad. I think THAT'S what I'm actually scared of. Going overboard and wanting to die while everyone else is having the time of their life, and not even being able to tell her because that'd be fucking lame.

What I need right now : Being spammed. Calling someone to let it all out. A fucking break. A hug. And if all that doesn't work, something strong to take the edge off.

How do I put words on this? I can't even explain it to myself. I don't want to seem selfish. I want to be able to justify it. But I can't. I shouldn't feel this way. I just do.

I'm scared of being misunderstood. It's so important to me. But you are too. There's always a price, isn't there? And for now, I'm paying it. But how much longer?

Please give me a chance. An opening.

I'll be damned. I'll be there.

Not because it's a good idea.

Not because anything's fixed.

Just because it's you.

I wouldn't even have anything left to say.

Just hearing the sound of your voice again. Or your quiet presence on the other side of the line. It would be enough.

It wouldn't be the same, and neither would you.

But all was left was silence and avoidance. A void that won't go away.

So I keep thinking of you. In this annoying way that won't go away.

If you called, I wouldn't be all over the place anymore. I picture it as this quiet shared acceptance. With relief.

I won't pretend I stopped caring. I do. I probably always will. Maybe that's why I wish I could witness even just a piece of your own peaceful silence.

And I know you won't truely ever call. But this is an open door.

I don't want calm, I dont want routine.

I don't want my days to look all the same.

I thrive in chaos. I thrive in stimulation.

When I have too much time, I can't stand it, can't fullfill my dopamine needs.

I start going down addition road.

No, I need to have 3 fucking jobs, do 8 other volonteering, up to 4 social events a week, read, write, do sports, be busy busy busy. Leave at 7am, get back home at 11pm. Have a little bit of everything in my day. Slowly achieve a bunch of meaningful projects all together.

I'm driven by the need for purpose, for growth. I need to convince myself so badly that all the work I put in to come this far was WORTH IT. That I'm capable of achieving what I decided to achieve. That I'm enough. It's both healthy and toxic. Some kind of sublimation. To avoid the void, avoid letting the dopamine deficiency pull me into addiction, or letting my depressive feelings resurface.

I want to travel, go see places, experience things, do projects, social activities, meet new people, learn languages, learn psychology, become specialized in different work fields, push myself to get out there and LIVE before I die.

Because if I live, I'll have no regret. I can finally look at it all and say : "Overall, I had a satisfying life. Despite everything, I've been happy, happy enough to make up for all the shit I've also been through."

I obviously didn't say that to her face. I'm a decent human being still. Also, I wasn't quite sure. You hang out, invite me out too, you're friendly and easygoing. And then, you suddenly become all formal, you argue about everything, question all I do, and act as if I'm working against you. When you're literally benefiting from my work. Like what the fuck? What's your problem, all of a sudden?

Am I the bitch? Am I just projecting? Or misreading your intents? I don't know. But I can't wait to finish this project so we officially break apart. Because what I'm feeling is unpleasant. I can't even tell if I'm the one being irrational, maybe because I have some inferority complex towards her? But why would I, considering I didn't feel this way earlier this month, I literally considered her a potential new friend and we hung out outside of work. She invited me first, I invited her back. Ugh. Maybe that's why they say to not mix work and personal life. This is shitty. And disappointing.

But hey. At least I'm settled. I don't want that kind of friendship. And this summer, when I invite people out in Montreal, I can at least only focus on my friendship with those I genuinely feel good with. And just keep moving on.

Been a while. I used to think about her every day, several times. I managed to make it become around twice a week. I guess I never actually escaped that craving for her memory.

I'm grateful. For what I had with her. For her being stronger than me, enough to make the hard decisions and stick to them. No matter how hard it has been.

I've been so happy. So fullfilled. The past year has been so empowering. Discovering who I am, what i'm capable of. Even after my soul being thorn apart.

I wonder why I care so much. Wondering how she'd see me now, if she met me from scratch. Even now that I no longer need her love, acceptance and approval to survive.

Reading me all over again, I realise I sound like I'm trying to convince myself. Which maybe part of me still needs to. I'll never truely let go of the memory. I guess it's engraved in me. When a person makes such a big difference in your life for several years and contributes to the turning point, I guess I can't help it.

Where does that lead me? I'm not quite sure. What am I supposed to do with the pain I still carry when I connect too deep to the Snake she knew? I don't know.

For now, I'm welcoming that old pain like something to be protected. To be cared for. I've suffered so much from my choices in the past. I suffered enough. I paid the price already. I'm not going to put myself down like I used to.

It's okay to miss her. It's okay to feel that pain. It's her legacy. It's mine to carry so I can remember, and forgive myself. I'm not going to destroy myself out of love. I'm not going to crawl and cry my eyes out.

I'm just going to sit in it and let it wash over me. Natural disasters can't be contained. There's no use fighting it. It will pass like I know it did even when it was still fresh. I'm no longer terrified.

And tomorrow, I'll get up and listen to other people's suffering again. And mine will seem so small in comparison, and so distant again, as I'll be able to bring so many of them some hope.

How much I feel for the mother who lost her son, the husband who lost her wife, the young woman struggling every day to anxiety, the kid who's trying to survive suicidal ideations. Sometimes, some hit home more than others. But they have the courage to seek help, to survive it all.

What I do makes me feel way less lonely with my own feelings. It feels meaningful and powerful. In all 3 of my jobs. That helps.

My family and friends help too. Having social events in my calendar weekly is new. Caring about more than just if I care for them, but also how they treat me, so I can only surround myself with people that are good too me also feels foreign. Putting my happiness first makes it so much easier to give back in my relationships too.

Discovering I'm not dead inside, that I have so much to offer when I'm not exhausted and overwhelmed with life because of the fucked up choices I made. Unbelievable.

The pain in my chest is such a small price to pay. For being happier than I've ever been in the past. For keeping the memories of my past despite everything.

I miss her. But I'll be okay.

And when I start self-destructing as a way to punish you (and myself),

My resentment knows no end.