Sandman

Someone asked me today. "How do you properly say goodbye to someone." I had said goodbye yesterday. They had no way of knowing, but it's the question that they chose. I felt my heart sinking. The goodbye was an exchange this time, of words. Not me receiving a call that someone I loved had died. We romanticize this notion of goodbyes, to many they are a luxury not often afforded. But I felt as if I couldn't say what I really wanted to. Because somewhere in that heart it was decided what I supposed to say. So it didn't matter what words came out. Because it wasn't about me. And it didn't really need to be, unless they wanted it to be. So I just said I love you, and goodbye. I stared at my late friend's ring, It's been over 5 years since that loss. I've posted art of him and his girlfriend. And I always quickly delete it. As I am overcome with such great emptiness at the reminder they are not here in way they were before. And with every time I stare at his ring. I say a quiet "goodbye." But also "Hello." I am doing what you believed that I could. I am living. Despite everything. I haven't stopped creating. The greatest gift my friends gave me before they left was their belief. the deepest truest form of love. Belief that I had the power to have a happy life. So many people have expressed their doubt in my situation. "It's the way things are." I heard someone I love say something in their sleep. "you're never getting out of there." And I felt so far away. I still feel so far away. Every time I start to drift, and every time I hear those words aloud. There is a chime that clears all darkness, my friends voices echo within me. I will find happiness and peace. It is waiting for me because I have opened the door to step into the light.