Day by Day

It's my tummy hurting even though I'm not physically sick. My brain is though. I watched this documentary where this guy can't tell if the sink in front of him is on or off. He also can't tell that a towel is directly in front of him. The funny part is he actually knows that these things are in front of him, and whether they are on or off, but his brain won't let him register it. It appears to me when I try to text someone, and I have no idea if I'm actually texting the right person. Crazy right? I can look at your name and still wonder if it's you. I can reason, rationalize, be logical, and I still won't fully register that I'm texting the right person. It appears to me when I have to visualize myself eating my food. Over and over. I torment myself over it. Did I swallow it? Did I eat? What did I eat today? I know I did, but did I really? I always ask myself if this relates to the distorted eating from my past. Anxiety carries itself. It appears to me when I have to silence everyone around me so that I can think. I'm going to tell you "I'm thinking" so that you know I'm really just obsessing over something. I'm probably obsessing over whether I brushed my teeth or not, but I won't tell you. It becomes me picking my face. I don't really know why I do that one. Do I really want to tear myself apart? It becomes me being so anxious I can barely function. I continue to push through it though. I text people regardless of my worry. I spend time with people regardless of my worry. I work regardless of my worry. I go to school and turn in assignments regardless of my worry. But I live in fear constantly. I am surrounded by so much love but I feel like I am suffocating. I am trying to breathe but all that comes in and out is panic. I'm so inside my head that I am blinded by my own thoughts. This will continue but I will try to live through it.