After nearly 11 years, I’m gonna call it quits on this blog, and all my other tumblr blogs.
Foreverinwonderland, missingfromreality, wildlydistorted, politicswontsaveus, fuckyeahsinglespeeds, and hersmileonemoretime... I’ve disabled all that I can and will be removing this platform from my device and brain.
Tumblr has been a very special place for me since I was 16, pregnant with a 25y/o’s baby, totally unknowing what lay ahead. I’ve found solace within this website. There were many dark moments, where the most I could focus on were the words spilling out of my fingertips. And multiple humans I’ve met on this site have become my irl acquaintances/friends.. even one as a partner.
While I sought comfort in the countless blogs I follow, bad actors also exist here. When I was 18, I was stalked, harassed, threatened. People would send me my location and terrorize me with the threat of gang rape... it drove me off using tumblr daily. Something I once found so safe and endearing was being ruined.
As the years passed and I cycled thru different eras of my life. There were many times I attempted to return. I’ve sporadically posted for probably half of my tenure. But recently, that’s become impossible. An overly sensitive, jealous partner of mine has brought back up all these repressed fears of being watched. This overwhelming feeling of being unsafe.. regardless of how many times I’ve tried to draw this boundary — trying to carve out a safe place for me to express my thoughts and emotions in a healthy manner — this person hasn’t respected my pleas for 2+ years.
His inability to understand I was a different person when I was 19 than I am now, as a 28 year old gender-non-confirming ACE, has made it absolutely impossible to feel safe. The words to explain how much dread it fills me with to be so misunderstood, especially by someone who I’ve poured my mind and soul out for, they utterly escape me.
I don’t get it.
How many times must I try to convince someone that my ex boyfriend from when I was 19 isn’t someone I think about, isn’t someone I long for, isn’t someone I plan to run away with — that person is a literal stranger to me. A person who’s broken my trust in major ways — YEARS ago, who only crosses my mind when I’m being accused of being in love with him.
How plain is that to understand? I feel like I should be heard when I say these things... and even the times I think I am — he’s lying! He promises to not bring up my ex, but then does, again and again. Over and over.
Why torture the person you supposedly love? Why constantly remind me of my ex boyfriend who hurt me? Why hurt me with my past?
Of course, now I can plainly see, my current partner will never believe me. They choose to believe what they want, and they always have. No amount of my energy or prose will allow them to see or hear me for who I truly am.
So to avoid anymore extra bullshit, I give up. Perhaps later I’ll find a new place to express my deepest, heartfelt emotions and thoughts to the universe. Maybe not.
If I’ve learned anything, its to give in when you know it’s a lost cause. And this has been the epitome of a lost motherfuckin cause.
Peace and love ✌️
