mami

Lights go out, the crowd goes silent. A huge unicorn appears onstage. The gays flock on the field wearing nothing but relics from the “Artpop” era. Suddenly, a voice echoes throughout the stadium: “It doesn’t matter if you love him, or capital H I M” A republican drops dead. The unicorn explodes, releasing a cloud of glitter and grease. Tom Brady chokes on this eleganza. Gaga emerges wearing nothing but an American flag. She sings the first verse and chorus of “Born this Way”, immediately destroying every nuclear weapon in the world. She stops, looks straight at the camera: “My name is lady Gaga, but you can call me Joanne”. An electric guitar bursts into flames while Gaga belts out “Perfect Illusion”, dismantling the white supremacy. The song suddenly fades out into “Manicure” for fifteen seconds. A dance interlude storms onstage, while the “Venus” chants morphs into “Dance in the Dark”. An exorcism is performed live onstage. The démon rises up, followed by “Bad Romance”. The Wesboro Baptist Church disappears into oblivion. GOP is drowned into hot cheetos, which allows time for Cher to become the first female US president. The new United States of America is reborn to the tune of “Poker Face”, sung as a duet with Tony Bennett. Lady Gaga kicks a football and score a touchdown. Texas becomes officially gay™. The performance ends, as Tony Bennett drops his flesh suit to reveal… BEYONCÉ!!! “Téléphone Part 2/Judas/Video Phone” mash up grants three wishes to every person who ever bought “Joanne” and watched “AHS: Hotel”. Laganja Estranja death drops on Joe Biden’s face. Lady Gaga shoots fireworks from her Versace boobs while singing “The edge of Glory”, effectively ending homophobia everywhere in the world. The stadium erupts in applause, as Lady Gaga’s voice fades away, singing the iconic bridge from “Applause”. A jock in the audience turns to Barack Obama wearing a rainbow jacket, and whispers “She did that.” Obama answers “yes, she did.” Iconic.

“Yes.”

“But I turned it out, threatened nuclear war, and made it FIERCE!”

“Thanks, Tyra. I will take that to heart.”