Wandering At My Temporary Home

He is funny, handsome and oh so romantic. Decided to date since March 10th 2018. Just like with other couples were still in a honeymoon stage. So expect lots of love, cuddles and sex. But most of all is the companion he can give. I feel home around him. And I love him.

I can’t totally do this.

Since you broke up with me I have been spending my time with my family, friends and everything else. I don’t know what is it like to be in your shoes that you decided to end our supposed to be a happy ever after story. Im still clueless how I allowed myself to get caught by you and now you left, you just left me like that. Was it difficult for you to fight for me, was it really hard to love me? 
How I wish you see how I successfully cover up your stupid shitty move of dropping me.
Its just that I have to lie to save my reputation and face from the people dear to me.
But I will never let you see how weak I am now. I should start moving on and get going to my promise land. Fulfilling my dreams for my family and to see who’s the lucky man I will get to marry and spend my life. A man who’s not afraid of losing what he has just to have me. A man who will never do what you did to me. The moment you walk away is the moment you realized how much you lost me. 
Will never get back to you again, ever! 
Good bye Matthew.
I don’t deserve a weak man as you.

Since you broke up with me I have been spending my time with my family, friends and everything else. I don't know what is it like to be in your shoes that you decided to end our supposed to be a happy ever after story. Im still clueless how I allowed myself to get caught by you and now you left, you just left me like that. Was it difficult for you to fight for me, was it really hard to love me? How I wish you see how I successfully cover up your stupid shitty move of dropping me. Its just that I have to lie to save my reputation and face from the people dear to me. But I will never let you see how weak I am now. I should start moving on and get going to my promise land. Fulfilling my dreams for my family and to see who's the lucky man I will get to marry and spend my life. A man who's not afraid of losing what he has just to have me. A man who will never do what you did to me. The moment you walk away is the moment you realized how much you lost me. Will never get back to you again, ever! Good bye Matthew. I don't deserve a weak man as you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BF-nZziUCCY&feature=share

And so I am dating this guy who lives 8000miles away from me. I take the risk of loving him since he's into the same boat. We are founded with the same feelings and mutual in different ways. In my entire whole existence, I have never felt loved by someone like he does. He's clingy which is cute in way he isn't satisfied with saying a word I love you but he finds countless ways of saying it. He captured my heart for this matter and I am truly fall for him. I see my future in him.

We find happiness in small things.

Somehow I can imagine someone will be occupying this empty seat next to me. You melts my heart when you call me "my girl" and whenever you call me your Summer Jam. Sounds cheesy but only those who are involve can relate to this. Yes I am falling a little deeper every time you look at me. And I am betting my heart on this since I saw your sincerity in those beautiful eyes of yours. Im rooting on you as the days go by. Work is becoming lighter, days are getting brighter and life is making the most of it because of you. I just can't help but to express whats inside my heart and mind. I simply couldn't contain it in my system. I am more that happy, excited and hopeful of the things that is waiting for us. Rest assure that I will give this process a good fight. I will fight my right to be loved by you. I am confident and sure you are too me as well. 😉 Just hold on and cling on what God is preparing or set for us. Lets hold hands as we take this process. To refine ourselves like Jesus and consecrate our heart, body and mind for the future that awaits us. These things are the depth of it but the skin deep of it. Lets enjoy being together, seeing each other, exploring potentials in each other and loving each other. I can't wait to spend forever around you❤️

This is a confession of someone looking for love on a dating app. When dopamine and oxytocin release after so many years of hiatus. Now you got the taste of it and you know exactly that it won't take it for long. But still you insisted your stubborn heart to prevail. Feeling loved is something new after years of chasing dreams, getting in shape, goal finally achieved, living a healthy life including intimate relationship established with Jesus. What else could a man asked for? Im so single and ready to mingle. But wait, as I long from all the corners of my peripheral I find it difficult to figure out who the Lord has designed for me. As an adventurous, outgoing and witty person as me I stumble to this dating app which cater people on the other side of the world.(well, thats good somehow coz I won't get to see anyone I know in my country. This will just be a small dark secret I want to try) So I gave myself a try. Feeling reluctant and choosy at first I came to meet people in different places around the globe. Like my previous job that allowed me to talk casually or company or just to past time. This app made my night busier than before. Scrolling up and leaving likes to someone attractive in my sight. Finally I get to meet a certain guy who is an american-mexican by blood currently living the US. Long talks, lengthy conversations and silly emojis flooded my phone from that moment. The feeling of being high on love that will make you smile in rainy days. Make your day bright in stressful moment and make you forget to eat simple because I am full of love. Yes, I admit I fall in love with him pretty bad. I didn't care nor mind to see the possibility of what this relationship bring about. I just step on the pedal and let love ruled over me. I have loved him in his imperfections and flaws and everything in between. I treasure everything that matters to him. And mind everything that he says to me because he is simply lovable. I love him and I am sure of my feelings. For once, I can say I am in love with someone and thats him. I never felt this in my whole life even though I know that we are far from each other and that I am willing to wait and endure having committed in a long distance relationship. I even ask my mom if its okay to date someone a non-filipino and she said yes!!! Everthing was perfect until one day, just in a speck of misunderstanding and of him making accusations that I am playing on guys I meet online.(in my small world, I was never accused of such things simply because anything that I say are all truth no pretensions) There then I found myself sobbing till I sleep. I couldn't afford to lose this guy so I gave him the space and when its time I explained to him everything and even ask for forgiveness and him to me. I pulled him back into the relationship and he said he was blessed to have a woman like me. Of course, as for as I know for someone who is in love they will do whatever it takes to keep the relationship intact. Thats what I did. That was the first strike. Here comes the second strike, me having the dreamy night of reality I called him for real at 3am local time thats 3pm in his place. As I get to mesmerize, Im already talking to him on the phone. So, suspicious mind of him takes its toll. This time, my heart starts to sink. Still when Im in love I couldn't eat much it applies the same when my heart sinks. Still I have to be witty, outgoing and adventurous even my heart is bleeding and the only chance I get to cry is when I try my motorbike. Its heart breaking. And I tried to pull us together for the second time. Now, I promise myself to be more careful not to hurt myself by him throwing accusations on me asking what I want from him. Really? Someone like me only need your love in respond. I don't need money(please,I have my profession and guts in my job to be stable)credit free, literally single, and fearfully made as daughter of God! This third strike made me fall back to being single. He just called me a "con star" I was like hit by a car. That the reality I am telling him isn't true to him at all. Need proof? Passport, Thai working license? Philippines teaching license. What proof do you want for you to believe me? And hey, how dare you call me that? And there we broke up. Oh wait not yet finish. He ended the conversation by sending a photo of his penis(I never ask for it, so what do you think should I do with it? For Asians, filipino in particular, insult will be yours if you get to show your private parts without being ask) then he gets me blocked on the messaging app. So that I cannot get to ridicule his dick. (Sorry guys but I am not really a fan of receiving photos of private parts so don't expect me to do that as well) I know I couldn't get to win him back again, I couldn't get to say hurtful feeling towards him and I couldn't even get to say goodbye to him. His mistake was really simple, he didn't have to make 3 strikes to break up with me. Before he blocked me he said to be meeting 2 girls near him whom she met on the dating app. That is more that enough for me to let you go dude. I know your need and I know you want to feel love as much as sex to complete it. I know in that part I failed. Damn I failed because I won't allow you to do that without putting a ring in my finger first. I failed to satisfy your thirst when you need quickie when having morning wood and I didn't send you a naked picture of myself or having a facetime sex??! Those are the things that you couldn't get from me. My apology, I respect myself as well as I respect the sanctity of marriage. There I failed to you. I simply failed your standard and preference to a woman you're looking for. I like to think that I am free again but as I pick up the broken pieces of my heart after I allowed it to be crushed by you. I came to think, I need to get another on to stay on top of this addicting feeling released when you fall in love. But I didn't get the love I give. I never get it back and the feeling I have now is more about pain than what I expected. Now who wants dopamine and oxytocin? Year 2016, when my heart beats for someone. And until now, it still beats for him. This is such a big love for underserved guy to love. Enough!!!!! Accept that one day when you get a chance to succeed with another milestone in life and get to see him face to face. He'll know he was wrong for all he used to know a con star is real. You were whole before you met him you'll still gonna find a way to be whole again. Keep who you are, let that man find your jewel in the rubbish. Thats how God raised me. Take it or leave it.

Ive never seen my mom look at me so special as that. I just seen this picture while going through my sister's photos. And it melts my heart that I sense love and care in her eyes. I have issues with my mom but when I see this picture of her for once, arguments automatically erase in my heart. I want to go back when I was young and innocent like I never had a bad feeling for her. Anyway...let me save and look at this photo till I get back home. I want to spend that time to respond on the care and love I see in those eyes. I love you Mom...as always. Here is your prodigal daughter, who is finding her way back home.

James 3:1

My attitude in dancing.

Since last week, I have been celebrating my birthday with my friends here in Chiang Rai. Individually or in groups I had a change to sit, dance and hang out with these beautiful God-given-friends that surrounds me. I got the chance to talk about anything under the sun including the above the roof laughters and innermost cry of my heart. Im still getting to know myself on how people look at me. Im getting to see who I really am through their eyes. Some are positive, others are obviously my usual me but there is this one moment I got cornered by a friend I met at church, just a usual talk but when she spoke, she said that it breaks her heart to hear what my life was. She didn't wonder why I turned out like this. She explained to me carefully that she's not trying to offend me or judge me but it was just her assimilation. And she likes to offer me a time to meet at least once a week to help me get over things that shouldn't be in me. I am fully aware and Im still in a process of healing of my childhood wounds towards my family. And I know it isn't over, it keeps on coming back every time this matter brought up or touches by another issue. I want to fully understand myself in able to understand my situation and that moment of my life I got a chance to see myself once again. Finally, there is someone offers me help on this matter. A friend who was a bit reluctant of me because its her first time to offer help to a friend. But for me its a great privilege that all my friends are different from each other. It brought me to cry like a child yesterday while telling my heart out. As what I have been telling people around me. I do not know who I am since there are moments that made me so unconsciously of myself and Im privilege to meet someone like her. My heart is being opened again for surgery. To fix things inside me to restore my relationship with my family and to get to know myself. These are the matters that happened in my birthday and I know this is a surprise revelation from God. Surely I will grab the opportunity to heal again this time down to its roots. Glory be to God.

This is the season of healing. I am ready for my heart's open surgery. Grateful I met a person who is knowledgeable of what exactly I am going through.

Well, November celebrators in the family got together in one of the coldest city in the Philippines for their birthday. With my one and only nephew yet, Shawn. Me. And my youngest sib.