one day at a time...

But to me you’re still very much present in my everyday & im trying like hell to learn to do life without you which for now is pretty much impossible..  You’ll never know how much I love you because even I cant comprehend it but one thing I’ll always know is this love is everlasting... some of us really do just love once in a lifetime..  You were that for me.. 

When I’m alone.. just me & my thoughts .. with my constant over thinking. Replaying certain days of my life over & over again.. I feel like those are my “just hold on” days. I lay in my bed looking back at this past year & how much loss.. & pain ive endured & try to remember that eventually, there will be less “ just hold on “ days & more days of joy. As one of the hardest/tough days of my life approaches I focus on the strength that I know I have.. One more day... that’s all I’m going to get. I just hope it stops hurting & I start really healing after this. 🥀 https://www.instagram.com/p/CFSe8PRgyvy/?igshid=1j4veh9jq5piv

“ You never meet the right people at the wrong time because the right people are timeless🖤 ” https://www.instagram.com/p/BzvtqGWAAhl/?igshid=lcugm4klpjsw

where have you gone beautiful ?

Mh

its too late now.. I no theres no turning back.. but theres definitley a lesson to be learned.. ill never be that woman again.. ill never love like that again.. ill appreciate every single min of someone giving me their heart.. ive broken  bruised a good man.. a good dad.. a good friend. Everything he was to me is what I should be- & i will ... i will never take anyones love for granted ever again.

time to let it be.. stop forcing shit. let that one go.. gone.. bye..

••I remember when I could run a mile under 6 mins... when the goal was to make it a 5 min mile... The younger me would be devastated to know it took me nearly 31 mins to run 2 miles today.. haha. Back then I worried more about the time than the distance... Funny how time itself has changed that for me.. Growing up as an only child I didn’t find much interest in sports.. running was the only sport that I could do with others.. but still...alone. (If ya know what I mean) & if I won... or lost. It was solely because of myself. Crazy, I didn’t know it then but all I was doing was building a wall around myself.. a wall I’d spend a lifetime wondering how it ever even came to be... ••Ever since I was a little girl I’ve been a runner. When I was scared.. I ran.Anytime things got hard I also ran.I’ve used running as a way to deal with a lot of things in my life. ••As a child I used it to get away even if I didn’t know that’s what I was doing.. & now as an adult I still use it. I may never stop running but I thank God I’m learning that the distance is far more important than the time it takes me to get there... 🖤 #earlymorningthoughts#racingthoughts #running#therapy#mindbody&soul #healthyhearthealthymind#depression #mentalhealth#mystoryisntover#faith #keeponpushingthru#grateful#blessed #journaling#thoughts#runner##writer #amamalikemine#Godisgreat#hope https://www.instagram.com/p/BuT6ECgAXcx/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=xeqm8fkuicc5

✌🏼🖤💋 https://www.instagram.com/p/BuKS-8uAGY-/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=ekwnj1zg28mo

My dog likes taking selfies too 😉 #Rodger🐾#myspoiledRott#DogLove #adoptdontshop#himsagooddog (at Amarillo, Texas) https://www.instagram.com/p/BuKSkv7ALT7/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=92ecp06uduh6

‘Cause you make the darkness less dark You make the edges less sharp You make the winter feel warmer You make my weakness less weak You make the bottom less deep You make the waiting feel shorter You make my crazy feel normal every time..🖤 You are the who, love is the what & this is the why🎶 #onceinalifetime#love#lingers#tough #lifeiscomplicated#loveevenmore #J🖤🎶#whowhat&why#saudade https://www.instagram.com/p/BuESIVYg-DF/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=ozz2tz3h6kkr

I'm like that AM station That never comes in right 'Til you pass the city limit sign That's the only time it all gets clear 🎶 https://www.instagram.com/p/Bt3h0r0gpNK/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=znoehvkj8ond

** Late Post ** The weekend was chaotic & I been on the road so I hadn’t had a chance to post from my bday... To be able to see & spend time with my siblings & my nieces & nephew on my birthday has been one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever received on my bday. It was so wonderful to watch my children play with their cousins & at the end of the day my stomach hurt from all the laughs we shared. Thanks for the gifts sisters & most importantly thank y’all for the love I felt on that day. & for making me feel special. I’m so grateful to God for y’all & for giving me the opportunity to be with y’all on my bday. 💜 #family#sisters#bday#aquarius #memories#ivewaitedalifetimeforthis https://www.instagram.com/p/Btyko7QgVy-/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1kkcbumt5emdp

🎶 I ride east every other Friday but if I had it my way- Days would not be wasted on this drive & I want so bad to hold you..Some of the things I haven't told you... So I'll drive... & I'll think about my life & wonder why, I'll slowly die inside Every time I turn that car around, & I count the days & the miles back home to you on that Highway 20 ride🎶♥️ It’s been 4 years & it never gets easier. It still takes me days after I take you back home to stop hearing your little voice calling out mama, to stop smelling your sweet scent on my pillow. I still replay in my head all my moments with you. I still cry for hours on my drive back home without you & I never thought I’d feel a pain like this. Oh, but my love for you is far greater than the pain I feel... & I will say that no amount of miles have EVER or will ever STOP me from being there on my days & there’s damage in my heart that will forever remain & everytime I have to say my goodbyes I’m reminded of that hurt. To all those dads out there that share custody- that REALLY care & love their children. The ones who SHOW up & are present - The ones who live for the excitement of seeing your child every other weekend I know how hard that truly is!! & because of that I also know the pain.. I know how it feels to try & fit a months worth of love - hugs - memories in just 2 weekends & I promise it’s NOT ENOUGH. My son wasn’t taken from me because I beat him or because I was addicted to drugs or because I neglected him - anyone who knows me knows how ELATED I was with his birth. How I devoted my every min to him as a baby... I lost my son for being naive & now I am trapped in this heartbreaking cycle. Where I live my life around the Diesel schedule. Where I have to leave questions unanswered because he’s much too little to understand or simply because the past isn’t worth going over anymore. I’ve driven myself crazy for 4 years replaying every single moment but I know it does nothing. I know I’ll never be okay from this but I also know just like I’ve always said. EVERYONE will get tired before I ever get tired of being his momma. & if I gotta drive 300 miles every 2 weeks for the rest of my life oh you bet I will https://www.instagram.com/p/Btw2-B2gr7B/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=yg83kt07w279

& lately the claws have been out! I’m TIRED of being the weak one! I’m so sick & tired of people thinking because I Don’t stand up for myself/ that I’m passive or that I always avoid confrontations that they can just disregard my feelings or MY CHILDS - well that girls gone. & it’s about to fuckin get real. Im about to be THAT bitch, not just where they say I am but where they will see it! Fuckin Done. https://www.instagram.com/p/BtwDSJfgnPa/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1qh8nlldkt1a7

Grateful for every min with you. Love you baby bear🧡 https://www.instagram.com/p/BtnKwb4gEvP/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1j3ap0uu3ci2v