Mishkaal

There aren’t many places I have left that I can scream into a void that doesn’t respond. Thankfully no friends of mine use tumblr anymore. In trying to stand up for myself I faltered somewhere. I told my best friend that it hurt to be treated this way, to feel like a second choice or a back up plan. Was going to ask for a few days of space to get my thoughts right as I know im emotionally heightened due to a trauma anniversary of my attempted murder on valentines day. Instead I lost a best friend, in a flash, in one response. Like so many people I have grown close to over the years there hits this point where the friendship goes nova and ends immediately. Chances are ill never know where I went wrong or what I did to cause this reaction, no one ever explains.  So much progress, snapped in my face like a rubberband. I rode my bike through a red light in a busy intersection on the way home hoping to be taken out. Before even finishing the conversation, that was just from finding out my intuition was correct. For the cumulative pain of feeling betrayed, made to feel like less, and to avoid the pain I knew was about to come, to be at peace in non-existence. Obviously by some stupid coincidence I wasn’t hit. When I got home, the conversation above finished. I didn’t have time to manage a crisis or use techniques from therapy, I went straight for the sharp things in my home. I relapsed in self harm after months of progress. I can’t count how many there are, just that my arms are on fire.  After a while I started hitting myself in a full sobbing meltdown wherever I could. Face, stomach, thighs, arms, anywhere it hurt.  Things began to calm, and I reached out to all those who say theyre my friends. Only two replied, as i told them I was a danger to myself and at risk of causing further harm. We talked for a bit and they got my mind off of things but all distractions end eventually. Before long I was alone with my thoughts, replaying events over and over, praying and begging that I didn’t have trust issues cemented time and time again by the people IM SUPPOSE TO TRUST betraying that trust. From best friends, ending things instantly. Losing the people I love and care for in the split second of an episode where I dont have perfect control. Worst of all its my fault, because I accept the responsibility of my actions. Ive fought for years to learn how to manage the symptoms of my mental illnesses and compounded trauma, but they’re never gone. Just easier to run from them for longer even though they eventually catch up to me each time. And each time I have a lapse of control on my symptoms I lose those im closest to.  Ive grown to reach a point where I am so apathetic, and done with life that I would welcome death with a smile on my face. I’ve lost everyone I love while being told im a good person, more ex best friends than partners. Im just apparently too fucking much. Im a liability, im impossible to be close to, and I can’t live life like this. So im done. Just done. I want out. I fell asleep sobbing and I woke up sobbing, finally out of tears. I forfeit.