Mean Old Tomcat

Pocket kitten

she doesn’t wonder ~

she knows ~

Wasted like

All my

Wasted like

All my

I greeted him at the door on 4" heels, a high ponytail, and a satin apron.

He pushed me into my apartment with hungry kisses and desperate gropes.

I peeled back the layers of a long day at work: briefcase with a thud by the door and the friction of his belt through each belt loop. The buckle jingling as it fell to the floor.

He bent me over the table and thrust himself against my back and ass before unzipping and revealing his excitement to me. I ran the stiletto heel up his inseam while using the mental map of his body to guide my hands to revisit my treasure.

His mouth and hands raced to discover every spot that would make me gasp or moan. I cocked my head and squirmed in the shadow of his stature. The high ponytail danced against my skin.

He grasped my long brown tresses at the tip and recalled all the photos and videos in his wank bank of arched backs and bent necks.

He yanked so hard that he herniated C5-6. During the surgery for my artificial disc replacement, my surgeon found a bone shard 3mm from my spinal cord.

The man who whispered in my ear of how i was “marriage material” moved to Toronto 2 weeks after he damn near made me into a quadriplegic. He closed on a house the day of my surgery.

To this day, I jump when someone puts their hands near my head. My ears ring constantly. And every time I see one of you all post a photo of someone having their hair pulled, I think about all the pain one dumb, badly-executed move caused me.

1. Get consent. 2. Give warning. 3. Grab slowly and smoothly at the roots 4. Movement comes from the wrist (minimizes chance of injury to directional force) 5. If need be, let the person with the hair being pulled hold on to your wrist to either limit your movement or as a failsafe. 6. Over time develop trust with your partner to dial up neck extension, force, or speed.

It’s important to know how to take care of acute injuries- I actually had to wait two days because it was the weekend to see my chiropractor. In the mean time I iced my neck and took ibuprofen. Had the injury been more severe there is a real chance that even just swelling and inflammation could cause irreparable damage to the spinal cord or surrounding structures. Ice and ibuprofen are go-to when you need to treat acute injuries that have caused or could cause dangerous inflammation.

The neck is such a common feature in sex and bdsm play. It’s so important to be aware of how it’s angled and how it’s handled during sex and scenes. Always put safety first and remember to pull- not yank on anyone’s hair or head!!

You want to know why?

Because this is the harsh reality of the potential damage that kink done improperly can cause.

It’s very easy to get caught up in all the extreme activities and the rough and tumble type of play that we all love, but every so often we need to all be given a reality check that firmly plants our feet back on the ground. Something that forces us to revalue the mantra of “Safe, Sane and Consensual.”

This post for me is my wake-up all. It humbles me and grounds me every single time I read it, and I applaud with all the strength in my hands the woman that was courageous enough to post it.

How  to own a good sleep?

Submission, and Dominance for that matter, while inbred, don’t come naturally. Now don’t mistake my meaning here, I believe submissives and Dominants are born this way, as much as people are born with blue eyes or brown. The innate desire to lead, or to follow, is not a choice, but the acts of submission and dominance are not innate, they are learned.

Take sex for example, you can know that you want it, that it is something you need in your life, but learning to have fulfilling sex is a journey, not a single act. And so it is for D/s. You can take a submissive or a Dominant as your own, but that doesn’t complete your journey any more than losing your virginity makes you a master of sex. There is always more to learn.

And you know what? It’s not fucking easy. You’re going to screw up. Probably a lot. You’ll hurt the person you love and it’s going to be soul crushing. They’re going to hurt you too, and you’ll probably be blindsided. You’ll learn and grow, and if you’re anything like me, sometimes you’ll look at the trail of mistakes behind you and you’ll wonder if maybe you aren’t meant for this after all. That maybe you aren’t really submissive because you seem to fail a lot, or that maybe you aren’t really a Dominant because you seem to hurt your sub even when it’s the last thing you want.

But here’s the thing… Dominance and submission are innate desires, but learning to fulfill those desires takes work. Learning to serve your partner, fulfill their needs, and make sure that your own are met, requires determination and effort. Wanting something, truly deeply wanting it, even needing it, doesn’t mean you know how to get it.

You have to be willing to pick yourself back up when you fall. It doesn’t mean you weren’t made for this.  It doesn’t mean you aren’t a ‘true’ submissive or a Dominant. It means that if you want it badly enough, you’ll muster the strength to learn.

“Communication is key to D/s.”

It’s hard to find an idea that circulates around the D/s community more than that one, isn’t it? 

D/s has pretty much forced me to learn to communicate better than I used to. I’ve grown and benefitted from that greatly…as has our relationship. In ways big and small. For example, I used to hate having to ask permission to skip a rule even when life really made leniency necessary. The bigger conversations have always been hardest though. 

It’s sometimes still extremely difficult for me to speak up and initiate those big talks. Because while I’m a grown woman with a few years of D/s experience who knows from experience that communication brings us together and solves our problems…who knows that my Dominant wants needs my voice to be a big part of our relationship…there’s still a hurt little girl in me. A little girl who learned the hard way that my needs were bothersome, that my emotions - whether it was sadness or fear or frustration or overwhelm, would trigger BIG anger in others…that it would take my problem and set it on fire or make it explode instead of helping me through it. A little girl who learned over and over that stuffing your feelings, swallowing them in whatever way you can is always the answer. It doesn’t matter how badly it cuts your throat to swallow it, it’ll still be less painful than bringing it out into the light…because that will cause an explosion and you’ll still have to swallow it in the end. 

Somehow as an older kid, I learned that some people were safe to express my emotions to. I made friends who I shared my heart with through middle school and beyond. It was a relief to get to release my emotions a bit more but by the I was used to stuffing my feelings. I knew CD was safe to share my emotions with before we were dating. I could talk to him about my childhood, about others who hurt me, stress I was under - I knew pretty much anything was safe with him. But the area that I struggled - and still struggle, to accept as safe was talking to him about him or about our relationship. Because I had only ever seen couples fight after attempting to discuss the ins and outs of their relationship. At least if there was anything less-than-positive to share, I thought fighting was the only way. I had no idea what mature disagreements, negotiating of needs and priorities, or serious problem-solving within a relationship could look like..I only knew fighting. Fighting has never been a safe experience for me. Today, even though I have lived in a relationship that has proven that wrong for years now, my instinct is to still associate discussing challenges in a relationship with picking a fight. 

So when I need to talk to CD about our relationship I always have had to pep talk myself..or that little girl in me. I just always have to pep talk myself into finding the confidence to be able to do it. But when he’s been stressed or cranky or just extra busy? That voice in the back of my head that tells me he’s already burdened so I shouldn’t add to it - can be so loud that I can’t pep talk myself and find the confidence to speak up until life calms down again. Or until he initiates a conversation and takes it to a deep place so I know he’s open to ‘going there’ in that moment. Even when a conversation is initiated? Sometimes we go quite deep but I hold back on something extra vulnerable or extra hard that still seems a bit too much still. 

Recently the dam totally broke. It hadn’t been very long since we had discussed our relationship dynamic (aka had a meta talk) and those had been positive and successful experiences..but I was still somewhat guarded during them I guess. I held back a bit. This time, we both 100% made ourselves entirely emotionally naked and we truly talked about every last thing. It got so vulnerable that I had a panic attack. I’m a nervous nelly in general, and I’m always uncomfortable or a little anxious when having conversations about our relationships but I usually manage okay. This was my first time it resulted in a panic attack. Panic attacks are quite rare for me. Writing that seems like it could read like this discussion was a bad experience…but it wasn’t, at all. Basically the opposite. There was never high tension and I never felt scared of my vulnerability or scared of how CD might react to what I was sharing even though I was emotionally vomiting things I had held back in fear previously. I wasn’t scared - just the opposite. I was able to verbally name a problem and express a fear that was so triggering to me that simply saying it out loud triggered a panic attack. But I was able to speak of the fear because I felt safe enough to go there. At some point he said “you handled this perfectly.” in reference to me bringing up the hard thing to talk about. And he shared lots of important stuff too. Some of it a bit difficult to hear, but I was grateful to hear that stuff too. I need his vulnerability as much as he needs mine. We need to see each other emotionally naked now and again so that we remember who we are at our cores and to clear away any assumptions we’ve made about each others needs, wants or motives but haven’t explicitly asked about. Ever since that discussion I’ve almost felt physically lighter. I hadn’t realized I had felt weighed down, but I must have been.