i just had your previous post on my timeline, and even if that's not what you're asking for, i want to tell you that i resonate with what you said, maybe not down to every detail, that's impossible, but i can assure you i have a similar difficulty. the only conclusion i've ever come to is that trying to find ease by looking outwards at people is pretty much insufficient, registering why they don't share the emotional intensity you experience, or why they seem so underwhelmed by all the fine details in life just doesn't do you any good, even if it's rational observations that you're making. i can sadly only recommend that you focus on finding satisfication elsewhere, that you find your places where you feel comfortable and content even with yourself. or that you pour what you experience into activities that you enjoy, art forms or the like that let you formulate expressions you'll find adequate for what you're trying to depict. it's a most basic recommendation, and i apologize for that, but i can only agree that most people you'll meet won't be like you, or give you what you desire. you can't rely on other people, it'll only get you back into the spiral you seem to already struggle with, and i'm also sure you already know of everything i've told you now
thank you for taking the time to write something so thoughtful. i really do appreciate it, and i appreciate that you responded with kindness rather than condescension.
i think where we differ is in the conclusion. i’ve tried to find satisfaction elsewhere. i’ve poured myself into art and other things, i’ve tried learning how to be alone, and while those things have meaning to me, they don’t answer the longing i’m talking about. they don’t replace being deeply known by another person.
i also know you’re probably right that constantly looking outward or wondering why people are the way they are doesn’t always do me any good. but i don’t think i could ever stop doing it, because i genuinely love humanity. i love watching people, thinking about them, trying to understand them. i love expressing those thoughts through writing because i think people are beautiful, even when they’re difficult to understand. i love feeling things deeply. i don’t see that as something i need to outgrow.
and maybe this is another place where we differ. i don’t entirely resent the spiral. yes, it hurts me sometimes, but it’s also where i do most of my reflecting. it’s where i write, where i understand myself, where i understand other us. i don’t think i’m meant to be happy, and i don’t think every painful part of me needs to be cured. some of it is simply part of the way i experience being alive. oh how the mental health system has rotted our brains .
i love my art. i love my books and my writing more than almost anything. but they were never meant to replace life itself. i think i’d live a terribly lonely life if i convinced myself they were enough. i create because i love people, not instead of them. my writing isn’t my heart. people are. humanity is wonderful and oh so terrible
i understand why you’ve come to the conclusion that you can’t rely on other people, but i don’t think i can make peace with that. to me connection isn’t just another part of life, it feels like one of the reasons life is worth living at all. i don’t want to convince myself that i shouldn’t long for it.
maybe i’ll reach a different conclusion with more maturity or more life experience, and if i do then i’ll accept it when i get there. but right now i refuse to believe that everyone is incapable of the kind of love i long for or that everyone is destined to disappoint me. maybe that’s naive. maybe i’ll end up being wrong and you will be able to laugh at me if our paths cross again. but i don’t see hope as something shameful, and i don’t think i want to live as though disappointment is inevitable.
god bless you anon, and may the winds of life take you somewhere beautiful.
