Silent Suffering

I almost drunk dialled you this weekend.

I want to believe you so badly. I wish I was naive that I can run right back into your tangled web. I dream of you, she lived the life you promised for us. You set out to obliterate me. Congratulations on your victory, love terrifies me.

How sweet it is to hear you sing for me. The bait is perfect our daughters lullaby.

Today I went to catch a glimpse of your life now, and there you were guitar in hand singing one of my favourite songs, the song that heads my blog currently. Chills, I felt the chill ripple across my skin.

I fell inlove with the man that wrote those songs, to have the pleasure to hear you again took me back to the hours I’d stare at you in awe. I still have that ep I listen to it occasionally.

We lived such a beautiful and vibrant life together.

You contacted me and you know you’re not meant to, in a way I was glad to hear from you. You asked to spend Christmas and implied you were waiting for time to pass to come home. Home to us. But I saw today, I saw that you have a life with her. Something in me wonders deep down if any of it is real of you just thrive in cruelty.

It’s the anniversary of the day we met, walking up to meet you has marked my life as my sliding doors moment. Did you notice or have you lured some other unsuspecting sweetheart into your web.

My life is perfect and yet I still think about what our life would have been like.

I’ve lost my magic, the spark that made me, me.

I wonder if I had gone with you to Birdsville would things be different, would it be us and our family now or were you already gone starting your new life?

I sat in the garden as I watched your story quietly, the song started playing and tears streamed silently. I grieve the life we were meant to have, I can’t even tell anyone I love you because of all that passed between us. My life is picture perfect, it could’ve been us and here I am grieving, heartbroken still. Triggered by a haunting echo, a song always yours.

Walking in the sunshine today, delighted she runs to the seeding dandelion “a wish” as she blows the delicate structure, I wished my dad would come back and see me and be happy again. My heart shattered.

She told me she missed you today in the car, I told her I missed you too. Why can you spend you money anywhere but to see her. I will never understand.

You reached out today but lost your nerve, I wish you hadn’t. Virgo was an interesting choice.