Unorthodoxlife

I was joking when I wrote in my last post that I’d write again in 2022 but well here we are 2 years later. To be quite honest I forgot about Tumblr. I’m now 25 and I’m seriously struggling with adulting. I still live t home and haven’t been on a date in 4 YEARS.

Hi. So time flies when life is crazy and that’s what the last 1 1/2 years has been like. Let’s see if I can summaries.

Last I posted I was talking about the guy situation in my life. Well DKO and I started dating that October and things were good for some time there. THEN 2019 came and decided to fuck me over HAAAARRRDDDD. Long story short I got sick and not like cough cough sick but like lost my eyesight got admitted to hospital sick which led to traveling to India and getting surgery sick. Anyway DKO did not handle my sickness well and we broke up around April 2019 before we traveled to India with my mum and brother.

Was there for a couple of months then had a mini vacation in Dubai after surgery before coming back home in June. So of coarse I wasn’t in school that whole time so June to August was me trying to get back into the groove of things and then I was back in school by the end of August. Just like that boom!

So by the end of 2019 I was out of a lot of friends with a lost identity and about 15kgs heavier. It’s really not been fun. 2020 came in not really with a bang but a kind of firm door close and before we knew it BAAAANNNNGGGG Ms. Rona reached my country and shit started to get real around March.

Well now we’re in June and I feel just as stuck as ever.

I think that about covers it hopefully I can go into more details in my next post. #2022 kidding.....

So the last time I posted something was about 2 or 3 weeks before I lost my virginity to BNN... GO FIGURE!!!! 

So fast forward 4 months here I am, my life a bigger more colossal mess than it was before if that’s even possible. 

In this post I’ll focus on the guys side cause everything else needs its own post. 

So BNN is no longer actively in my life... Let me explain in a short way as possible. Some shit went down in school for him and he had to move back home. So that ended our whatever it was real quick. Actually at first we were to continue with whatever we were doing but a nigga decided to disappear. So I moved on from him and for some time I was just chilling. All those 4 other guys were just a waste of time and never developed into anything more. 

Now let’s rewind 2 weeks back from today and DKO walked into my life. I mean I’ve known him for a while since we’re in the same school and we’ve interacted before but this time he came with mahanjams( horniness? I’m not sue if that’s the right translation lol) So anyway one thing led to another and we’ve been making out or whatever. Honestly the only reason we haven’t gotten it on is cause I’ve been on my period for almost as long. 

Now 4 DAYS AGO, my ex once removed decided to stroll back into my life. Telling me how much he misses me ans used to love me and how his feeling for me are still strong and some shit and I can’t lie my feelings started getting confused and everything so when he asked me on a date I went and things have been slowly escalating with him too. 

And now I’m not sure what to do. I’ve changed my mind like 6 million times on who I should stick with an asking myself why I have to stick to just one.

Here’s the thing the more I learn about EJM the less I want to get back together with him. But I don’t think he even wants that.Except for the puss I have no idea what he wants. 

Oh and get this. When I went on my date guess who called BNN!!!! I was just like Am I being punished? Who did I piss off like for real... 

Long story short I’m a mess and I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. 

My knowledge for today is this: Don’t put yourself or let yourself be put in a position that makes you uncomfortable. Most of the time following your gut is the best thing to do. So when it speaks do your best to listen. I’m still trying to hear mine.

Till next time.

So this year doesn’t seem to be going the way I thought it would. 

I had made some New Years resolutions that I totally believed I would pull through on but alas out of the five (I think) the two I do remember are not happening. One was to lose weight and unfortunately I don’t have the same moral I had at the start of the year. The second was to talk more to my dad and that also doesn’t seem to be going well. I mean most of the time I just forget and then when I do remember I genuinely need something from him which most of the time is money... Nor for like myself but for rent and stuff. 

My mind is so cluttered right now I’m pretty sure nothing is going the way it should be going. I mean one thing that worked for me recently is that I passed my exams spectacularly but that thought was cold comfort cause my GPA is still at 2.44 and I know that’s not the best representation of me as a student. 

Guys wise my life is a big fat MEEEEEEEEESSSSSS. BNN is in and out of my life as he continues to annoy me at times but not at others. I’m talking to about 4 other guys right now except for the actual one I want to talk to cause he has a girlfriend. Let’s call him the reporter. I met him at Imani’s birthday party and I was like “OOOOOOHHHHHH MMMMMMMYYYY” but yes the way my life works is that all the guys that are my complete type are taken but t the same time it makes perfect sense because clearly I have amazing taste in guys.(NOT)

I don’t have knowledge for today because clearly I’m all over the place... 

Till next time

So I’m sure some of you may have already guessed and I have mentioned that I have body image issues. I’ve been a big girl most of my life. I’ve struggled with my weight. I’ve complained until I cried, I’ve tried to get on an exercise regimen on a diet regimen but alas none has seemed to work... 

but wait.. don’t go thinking “that poor girl” cause it is totally my fault. 

You see my none existent followers I lack this special ingredient called Moral or dedication. I mean there are times, when I put my mind to it, I stick it out for 2 weeks max then I go back to being the lazy bum of a human being that I am. And that’s still one of the hugest things I’m trying to work on. I know I need to lose weight not only to look good but even just to be healthy but that’s not we’re talking about today. 

Back to the something new I eluded to in my title, I had a new experience with my body not so long ago. For the first time EVER I looked at myself in the mirror and didn’t think “eeewww” or “If I just lost this and that I’d be so HOT”. In that moment I saw myself and I thought “I look good” and I can’t even lie I know that something that encouraged those feelings was BNN. I say this because the thought that followed was”BNN sure seems to like it” which is so different form the response I would have had 2 years ago. 

So this is my something new. My mean and unhappy thoughts about my body are still there but the new confident and positive thoughts seems to be growing in number.  

My knowledge for today is this: Don’t take for granted the little victories because sometimes they make the biggest impact. My little victory has given me hope. Hope that someday my positive thoughts will over run my negative ones and that one day I will look at my body in the mirror and see the story of my growth, my trials and my victory.  I hope the same for you too. 

Till next time

Hello once again to my none existent followers. It’s been a little bit over two months since I posted anything and I thought it was about time to have a check in... 

Now... lets see... I moved to the other campus of my school and started a steamy hook up with my ex. Which one you may ask? Well... BNN. I don’t know if I went into the details about my self discovery and our breakup but it ended okay and we’ve kept in touch since. He joined the Uni I was in(awkward at first) and now we’re staying in the same place. 

I won’t even lie to you guys and say the thought didn’t cross my mind before I moved cause it did and so the first time we hooked up it was a surprise to absolutely no one... at least that’s what I think... But the one thing I’ve stuck to in our little arrangement is that we can not get back together.

I said I wasn’t ready to date again and I’m really not and I don’t think that he is either. He has not had the greatest track record with the ladies so I think he just needs time to be single. 

BUT...

That brings me to my question today. Is what we’re doing a mistake? For me am I moving backwards by hooking up and acting coupley with him and am I stunting his growth by saying he needs to be single but knowing we’re both acting like we’re a couple?

I can’t help but feel that we’re on a dangerous path but I don’t know if I’m willing to correct it yet. 

My knowledge for today is this: Sometimes we can’t help but make mistakes and that’s okay. It’s parts of who we are and what makes us the way we are. I can’t help feeling like I’m making mistakes right now and I’ve acknowledged that fact. So if you’re feeling like there’’s something not right about something you’re doing or even saying acknowledge it  and remember that it’s okay to make mistakes as long as you learn from them and grow from them. So if you see someone like me who just seems to be making mistakes and is struggling, reassure us and give us hope that we can learn from them. 

Till next time 

Fuck that noise his name is Makenzi! Usually in all my posts I try to keep out of using any person’s actual name but this time I honestly don’t give a flying fuck! 

So lets talk about this Makenzi fellow. Makenzi is someone I know through school. We met not long after I joined and for some time there I thought we were friends. Fast forward to 2017. We were also in the same club and I beat him out of a leadership position and that’s when he turned NASTY! During one outing where I was leading an exercise he was so rude to me in front of all these people and what shocked me the most was the fact that I thought he was my friend. When I asked why he told me he was trying to “teach me a lesson”. 

People of anyone ever tells you that kind of shit especially when you don’t expect it cut them out of your life and from that moment our friendship disappeared into oblivion. Things were fine for a while then after he came back from a trip decided yes this semester I’m going to fuck shit up. I got so tired of people’s stupidity that when we had conversations online I‘d be very formal and firm so that’s who my club believed me to be and then I became a mean person in their eyes and he capitalized on that. 

He broke me so many times by putting me on blast and making into something that I wasn’t that I almost started to believe that I was the monster that they believed I was. 

I doubted my kindness. I doubted my smiles, my warmth and even though he wasn’t the cause he sure as hell was the catalyst and I will forever hate him for it. 

After ll of that I finally thought that t was done but I guess not because close to New Years of 2017 my best friend sent me screenshots of him saying how he thought he would have to hit on me “WHICH HE DID” to get to my best friend and that to get the finer things in life(my best friend) sacrifices must be made. I have never felt so low in my life. So unattractive, so hideous. 

But I refuse to be kicked around by a tall ass bully. As I said in my previous post 2018 is MY year and this asshole ad his last parting shot at me!

Till next time 

Mad love

Happy New Year to my non existent followers!

I have decided that 2018 is going to be the year for me to do the things that I want to do. 

Last year I was in a year long commitment that took away some weekdays most weekends and about 30 full days of my life in the year. It was an honor and an eye opener to be in that commitment but I CANNOT wait to say GOODBYE to that commitment. It drained me spiritually, It drained me emotionally and it drained me mentally but I got to learn so much about the fakest kind of people. 

This year I want to do things that interest me. Things that make me happy and filly my heart with joy. People that put me down and wasted my time in 2017 have no space in my life. I m no longer under any form of authority that stop me from speaking freely and openly and people best believe I shall speak. 

My next post will be about a person that broke my spirit and took away joy from something I loved and how I’ve learned from it. 

I don’t have knowledge for today but if you decide this is going to be your year make sure that it is. 

till next time 

mad love 

In the last six weeks I have been doing a program on personal finance that has helped me grow so much as a person. So even though I went in wanting to just figure out how to stop buying chips everyday of the week in school, I finished it today with one question... 

What do I want? 

This program forced me to dig deep into myself and try and bring forward the things that I am most passionate about, the things that I love and the things I wouldn’t mind doing to earn money. But it kept coming back to one question.

What do I want? 

When I starting thinking of that I was able to see what I would need to do to get what I want and how I can start doing what was needed NOW. 

And along all of that I realized something...

I’M SO FREAKING TALENTED!!!!

And the thing is I’m not even saying this to sound vain. It’s the truth. One of the things we had to do during one of our sessions was identify our skills and hobbies. And what I realized is that almost all my hobbies were actually skills. 

My mum always tells me how people would pay me to do some of the things I do in my everyday life and it’s true but in doing all of these things I have gained so much experience and exposure. 

And knowing how much you have to offer to the world is a feeling like no other. 

And THAT is just the first step.

My knowledge for today is this: If you ever get the chance to to sit down for a moment and just evaluate yourself, DO IT! Leaving out the cliche and unoriginal ideas of what a skill is think about what your good at and the things you do well even if you only do it for your own enjoyment. Because if you enjoy that thing you do I bet there are so many people out there who would to!

best regards, 

I went through some of my posts yesterday and I realized that the last time I wrote about anyone in my family it was not the nicest of posts. It was 2 years ago and  guess I was fighting with my mum. And reading it I tried so hard to remember what it was all about but for the life of me I couldn’t figure it out. 

Which just revealed something so important. I realized how resilient a loving family is. In a home or a family where there is love above all else then its easy to remember why you love that person so much. For example my mum and have been in such a good space for sometime now and its because the more I grow the easier it is to learn how to speak to her and be around her without causing drama and arguments.

 Don’t get me wrong we still argue and give each other the silent treatment and heck I still lie to both my mum and brother sometimes but now I’ve reached a point where no matter how bad an argument was or how upset I am I can’t even imagine not being proactively in their lives.

I love my mother so much! 

And I love my brother so much! 

I realized that sometimes everyone just needs space and that’s important. I can argue with my brother and get so mad at him that I just want to scream but the second he gives me space to calm down and continue with what I was doing the next time I see him I’m no longer mad and sometimes he comes back after ten minutes. I swear I have to put more effort to be mad at him then to forgive him 

Which leads to my next point. Your family is the only place where you have almost unlimited chances if not completely unlimited(Hey your folks might just have a limit). Think of all the times you’ve messed up, been rude, stolen something(Don’t Lie) and lied. And  over and over again your parents or siblings have forgiven you. I know that’s not the case for all families but for a good number of families. Family is the one place where people keep on giving. 

My knowledge for today is this: If you love your family and you have a fight(which is inevitable) remember that feeling you get when you think of them getting hurt or not being in your life. I’ve found that it’s a great motivation for forgiveness. Also take some time off after an argument to cool down. Don’t say something you will regret in the heat of the moment. And most of all remember to be a bottomless well. Give and keep on giving. They’ll appreciate it and even if they don’t it’s okay because someone WILL notice one day and you will reap all you sowed.

best regards 

I’M TIRED!!!!!!!

Oh gosh how I’m tired. I’m so sick and tired of guys, correction men, not realizing my worth. 

I’ve always been such a confident girl, so sure of myself and my place in this world even if I had insecurities buried deep inside my soul. When I finally started to work on myself and discovered my worth I accepted my insecurities and I’m still trying to work on them. But it’s so hard to stay positive and build my confidence when I keep getting PASSED OVER! 

Some of you might know what I mean. Have you ever met someone who you just click with or have an instant connection with but then someone better looking enters that story and suddenly you move from being a potential interest to that person that would definitely be a great friend. 

It doesn’t matter that my personality sparkles as bright as the damn sun or that I’m a fun, interesting, intellectual person. It always cuts me a little because guys always have that interested gleam in their eyes until something in a shinier wrapping lands at his feet, then all of a sudden it doesn’t matter how honest I spoke or how genuine my laugh was. 

And the funny thing is they usually really want you to be part of their lives because you’re wait for it it... an “awesome” or my personal favorite “amazing” person.  

And sometimes its so hard to make sure that that simple pass doesn’t blow your progress or your growth. My ego was definitely stumped on but I am REFUSING to continue to be brought down by such nonsense.

I finally know my worth and how amazing I am. If guys can’t see that because of my weight then I might as well stick with me for a bit longer. And that’s okay.

So my advise to you guys is this, if someone you thought you connected with passes you over for someone with a better package but a horrible core don’t try to chase that person. Have faith that your character will do all the talking for you. You don’t need to prove your worth to anyone because if you know your worth it will shine through your character and your personality everyday. And it might take sometime and the urge to chase will sometimes be so strong but you got to keep it on a tight leash. The result will be worth it. Because you will find yourself with a partner who will appreciate and respect your worth. And they will not mess with you because they know you’re aware when you deserve better. Remember that when you start to slide.

Keep safe out there guys 

So during my last post I was so busy writing my feelings that I forgot to tell you guys something. 

I got PROMOTED. Okay so the way I said it makes it sound like I’ve had a job this whole time when really I haven’t. Anyway so lat year I joined a ministry in my school that has really helped me grow as a person ans as a leader. So in this Ministry we have the leaders on this ministry known as The Great 9. So that’s what I was promoted to. I became a G9. I can’t lie. Becoming a G9 is something that I have wanted since the time I heard of them. Positions of leadership have always been attractive to me. And so here I find myself on this crazy journey trying to do so many different things. 

So I’m lucky enough to be put as the events and projects Liaison person and so far it has been super stressful. There has been crazy pressure from the previous leader to maintain and surpass their level of input as the G9′s and I’m so scared I will fail. I’m confident in myself and in my position but I just hope I don’t botch things. 

I know I’ve been put in this position for a reason. I just hope everything works out. 

I like a guy that is in a relationship.

I think that says it all. Not so long ago (yesterday) I had talked about how I had a crush on 3 guys. So among those three guys one of them goes to my school and has been in and out of my life since I joined the uni I’m in. So because he’s not in my campus I don’t get to see him often but every time I do the crush I had would pop up. 

3 days into January 2017 there was a post on my timeline announcing that Mr. M was in a relationship and I was SUPER crushed. I can’t even explain how much. I remember thinking ill thoughts about her for a second but then that moment passed and I regretted thinking that way cause it’s not in my nature.  So as I prepared to go for training\orientation I stilled myself and talked to myself about how I needed to stay away from him. 

Once I got to the other campus I was successful.... for a maximum of a day or 2 maybe before he inevitably brought me back into his orbit. Don’t get me wrong. It was not through his actions but simply being himself. He is a man of God and he is so confident with the way he holds himself that its hard not to like him. He’s also so compassionate in speech and in action that you can’t help but want to be around him. So till that point it didn’t click who his girlfriend was. After landing in something that put us in the same group of people I found myself gravitating towards him and if not that I was stealing glances but each and every one of those actions caused me so much guilt that I constantly found myself bashing myself for feeling that way towards him. 

Once I remembered who his girlfriend was (by the way she was there) it was such a bittersweet moment for me because she is literally THE BEST. And I really don’t say that about a lot of people. They are so well matched that I found myself rooting for them as well.

During the course of the course of the week my crush grew to actual feelings because even watching him with her I could see how great of a boyfriend he was. So for the sake of my sanity I tried my hardest to steer clear of them and him especially. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t and that’s why I wish them nothing but the best even if the person he’s with will never be me.