mimi :)

that love matters

without you.

nothing feels real

i’m wandering the full moon

of the night that took you.

i’m stuck beneath

a fading street light

or lost in the moth

that flutters next to me.

it got cold

and then warm again.

but in my head it’s still august.

in my head i’m still waiting

for you to breathe.

i’m running down the staircase again.

or maybe running up.

i’m staring in a funhouse mirror

and my eyes look

just like yours.

too full and

and feel exactly like i did at 7.

isn’t it

the way my pain is sliced

into bite sized pieces

the way my broken

is so easy for you to swallow

i’ve cut myself

too small

and my blood is coming out

clear

and colorless

but it’s pretty

of the way these bones

carry me.

i am exhausted

of a life half lived.

i think maybe

i was born with parts missing

i think maybe

i was born half gone.

this tomb of a body

about comfort.

I think touch still feels like danger,

so i sink into my solitude

and blame the world as a cruel creator

as a cold place

as if it isn’t my own cruelty that keeps me shivering.

as if it is someone else’s fault that I don’t know what soft hands feel like.

each time someone gets close

i light the floor on fire

and ask them why I burn

i cannot love correct,

like i don’t know how

to make people see the light i hold for them

tucked safely in the crevices of my ribs.

i carry so much care for the ones around me

like an obedient dog

and try not to bear my teeth.

i’ll pretend there isn’t something sinister

rotting behind my smile

making me foam at the mouth.

the only freedom i’ve been granted is in my silent rage

and it is mine to keep

and keep secret.

i’ll keep the width of my self destruction

tucked neatly in the corner

under piles of clothes I can’t bring myself to wash,

and promise

promise

it’s a beating

and broken thing.

will you hold it

i’m looking for a safe place to land

soft hands

to take the rot from my skin.

i fear the way

my pain speaks for me,

the smell of decay

entering the room

before i do.

i’m looking for sanctity

sanctuary

from the way i ache all over.

promise me something

lighter than this.

a tomorrow that doesn’t wash my skin raw.

don’t tell me

you think these peices

are beautiful.

please.

don’t put me so high up on a pedestal

that i can’t reach you.

i’m cold

i’m hypothermic

and i just wanted some

goodness

to make me feel human again.

there is nothing precious about me

i am beastly

and twisted

and so so cold

i didn't mean to make my grief too loud.

my pain is beautiful

only when you don’t have to see it

only when it made me strong

only once its healed 

and you don’t have to see 

the mess it made me.

sorry for taking up the space

you thought was yours

with all my heavy thoughts 

and impenetrable experiences.

my pain is beautiful 

only once it's better

only when you don’t

have to look it in the eye.

i am loved

only when I am silent

only when I am the one

shining the light on you.

so sorry

that it got the best of me this time.

so sorry.

so sorry.

truly, 

my deepest condolences 

for the grief that isn’t yours

but is still somehow

and you don’t know what to say.

i haunt you.

the girl you almost loved enough to keep.

close your hands and know

you never held me.

i am the godliest thing

you never touched.

you love me more than your next breath

and it sickens you

that my face is not the one you wake up to.

you’ll never not miss me

and that is my peace.

knowing that you’ll never love another

i will not grieve my creator

you are the closest to god

i have ever gotten.

you carried my faith in your hands

and you my failure.

i am everything you pray for

and you cannot escape

self flagellation

and pretend this is repentance.

promise me forgiveness

and i’ll pretend to get better.

the things i’ll do

for warmth

color my cheeks

and my hands

i’m screaming into the mocking sun

as if the rain would somehow soothe me.

i am a cavity.

i am the absence.

i am waiting for the sky to fix me

waiting for something

to stop the rot