Deeply Embittered, Mildly Hebraic Looking Elf

********

“Stevie, we should promote the motel on that social media surface David and Patrick are always endlessly scrolling.”

“It’s ‘social media platform,’ Mr. Rose. Wait - which one?”

“Grinding.”

“Um - it’s Grindr, and you should stay far away from it.”

“This may be hard to believe Stevie, but I’ve gotten pretty good at sailing around the internet-“

“-it’s ‘surfing the web-‘“

“Found it!”

“Mr. Rose, no! You don’t wanna look at that.”

“Why not?”

“You’ll be traumatized by David and Patrick’s profiles.”

“Aha! So they do use it to promote the store.”

We see the same (admittedly excellent) stories recommended over and over and over. Let's expand our horizons! Recommend and briefly describe a fic or two or three (or more) that you've never (or rarely) seen mentioned. Extra points if you don't personally know the writer. Tag @trickiwooao3 or #Worthy Wednesday and when I have the bandwidth, I'll post a list. There is no deadline. I’ll update as posts roll in.

Shameless self promotion is encouraged!

Thank you for the tag @trickiwooao3!

Once More With Flailing by AWorldOfDreams

Inspired by BTVS “Once more with feeling,” it’s a Schitt’s Creek musical episode! The repurposing of the original Buffy songs and lyrics is hilarious and nothing short of brilliant.

“Unbroken” series by Turkey_Virgin, @tyfinn

David finds out he has a daughter from his New York days. The show and the fandom focus so much on David’s negative experiences in New York, so it’s a nice change of pace to read a fic about one positive memory.

Baby, let’s cruise by mallpretzles, @mallpretzles

Patrick is forced to admit there’s something he’s not good at. Short dialogue only snippet, but every word is perfectly in character hilarity.

Stacey and the rich kids by MeadowHarvest, @meadowharvest4856

A Schitt’s Creek/Babysitter’s Club crossover where Stacey babysits for kid David and Alexis. It nails the tone and characters of both stories, and it’s an amazingly spot on depiction of David and Alexis as children.

Just stay right here by kindofspecificstore, @kindofspecificstore

I couldn’t write about anything else today but Tina Turner. RIP

******

When Tina Turner dies, David launches into mourning. He changes out of his casual blacks into his funeral blacks, and spends the day cry-singing to her music while eating Mourning Pastries after his angelic husband offers to run the store solo for the day. He’s too heartbroken to be embarrassed when Patrick finds him like that after work.

Then he sees tears pooling in Patrick’s eyes. Instantly, David jumps up to hug him.

“Oh honey. I’ve been so wrapped up in my own grief, I haven’t noticed yours! Tina changed your life too, didn’t she?”

I rolled a Nat 18. Word is: Active

******

Profit Margins

By Alexis Rose, Economics 101

Our assignment was “field work.” That means hands-on experience. So I worked at Rose Apothecary.*

They were getting shoplifters and the store owners were totally oblivious, even Patrick** who went to business school. Because of my field work in shoplifting, I caught them. So that judge should not have judged me.

That’s how I basically saved the store and taught them about profit margins because I know more then they do. In your face, David.***

XOXO,

Alexis

Footnotes:

*active 2017-TBD. (They wanted me to remove “TBD.” Love the optimism! 😘)

**brother’s boyfriend

*******

“Hi, sweetheart. Patrick said you two had a fight. Are you ok?”

The compassion in Marcy’s voice reverberates through the phone, and David could (re:does) cry.

“You don’t hate me?”

“Don’t be silly! All couples argue.”

“But I was horrible! He must’ve told you……”

“I got his spin on it. The version where he’s right, and completely rational. I’m guessing there’s another side to that story?”

Her knowing amusement disables David’s (admittedly flimsy) filter. “Omigod, he threw a total tantrum!”

“You should have seen him when he wouldn’t go to bed. Although, I doubt you have that problem.”

********

“You’re sure you won’t regret not moving to New York? It’s not quite as exciting here.”

“Being with you is exciting.”

“Thank you, David.”

“Besides, everything’s much more expensive there. Running the store, cost of living, plus we’d have no healthcare-“

“Wait, why wouldn’t we have healthcare?”

“Well, the US doesn’t have universal healthcare-“

“Seriously?! You could’ve led with that!”

“Sorry. When I lived there before, I could afford thousands of dollars on an ambulance.”

“Thousands of dollars?!”

*******

David can’t be having a panic attack. Those aren’t real. They’re something celebrities invented for attention, not a legitimate health condition. David is just overly dramatic, like everyone says, and unrelatedly has a heart condition that’s undetectable on medical tests. It’s probably very rare.

******

Yelp review: Rosebud Motel

The bathroom hot and cold faucets were switched and I burned myself. Some doors had flowers outside but not others which looks weird and I think the motel staff killed someone. They trapped us in the lobby and I saw a coroner wheeling out a body. I thought it was a murder mystery game because a woman wearing a wig made a speech about being a murder suspect but no game happened so I think she killed someone fr. Maybe her wig was a disguise not a costume? Idk why she’d confess?

*******

“Where’s the scuff remover?”

“The what?”

“There are scuff marks on the entryway floor, from when we moved the furniture in.”

“‘We?’”

“Anyway, I need the scuff remover you bought.”

“I don’t think I bought that.”

“Yes you did. It was delivered a few days ago and you got really excited, remember?”

“Was it ‘scuf controller?’”

“Yes!”

“David, a scuf controller is a gaming console handset.”

“Well, that doesn’t help our hardwood floors at all!”

“No it doesn’t, because that’s not its intended purpose.”

“You got me all excited about cleaning products for nothing.”

******

One of Patrick’s most magical experiences as a child was looking up at the night sky on camping trips. So many stars glittered, unobscured by streetlights, the silver-white almost eclipsed the black.

Rules: list eight shows for your followers to get to know you better

Thanks for the tag @tyfinn and @mallpretzles!

In chronological order of when I first watched them:

1) Buffy the Vampire Slayer

2) Arrested Development (aka Schitt’s Creek where they don’t become better people)

3) Sports Night (vintage Peter Krause)

4) 30 Rock

5) Better Call Saul

6) The Good Place

7) Schitt’s Creek

Thank you for tagging me @goodiecornbread!

Have some more of my SC /OFMD AU

*******

“I’m not an expert in this,” David begins tentatively, crouching down beside Patrick, “and by ‘this,’ I mean genuine human emotion, but if you need to talk, you can talk to me. If you like. As I say to my crew, this is a safe space.”

That breaks Patrick out of his inner turmoil, and he feels the corner of his mouth quirk upwards. “A safe space? It’s literally a pirate ship.”

“Ok, I don’t mean a safe space for the ships that we loot and pillage, obviously,” David rolls his eyes, “I mean safe for us. Emotionally, that is. Physical safety is a bit trickier. I had no idea piracy would be so dangerous.”

And Patrick has to tamp down his smile, because David is actually the funniest person he’s ever met in his life, on land or sea. “Imagine that.”

*******

Moira gets an Emmy nomination for the Sunrise Bay reboot.

She doesn’t win.

David and Alexis share a panicked glance when the winner is announced, politely clapping over flashbacks of drunken breakdowns and weeklong closet barricades. Their mother calls awards her “favorite season,” but for them it was a nightmare.

“The winner,” Moira begins at dinner and oh no, here it comes, “hasn’t spoken with her children in over a year. Perhaps I am the victorious one.”

Her smile is genuine, and her children relax. David loosens his death grip on Patrick’s hand.

Thank you for tagging me @tyfinn!

For once, I actually have the last line of a fic written. (It’s the whole middle part I still need to fill in.)

*******

“How was your first day as town councilman?” David asks. “Besides that weirdly ominous rainstorm.”

Patrick frowns. “Disturbing. Bob quit last week and nobody would tell me why. They said the minutes recorded everything, but they were missing. I got suspicious so I tracked down the minutes and made Ronnie read them aloud. Turns out, Bob left because Gwen crashed the meeting and played her sex tape with the pastor in front of everyone. The minutes contained a word-for-word transcript of the sex tape. It was gross and Ronnie hates me even more now and I wish I’d never asked.”

*******

Stevie stares up at the new sign, overwhelmed by foreign feelings of warmth. Safety. Family.

Rosebud Motel

Mr. Rose promised to put in writing that he won’t abandon the business (abandon her), but this is so much better than ink on paper.

Because her name will be spelled correctly in a contract, but here she’s been given a new name, one inextricably attached to the Roses. A name they named her. Like she’s theirs.

A name signifying how she began as a bud, and bloomed into a rose.