Identity Crisis, Be Patient.

Had you ever even known how to feel?

Truly, what even was the sense of feeling itself? You couldn’t quite grasp such a foreign concept definitively, scrambling forth along the hollows of endless gleaming stars to find an answer that was supposed to be innately carved into humanity. What was supposed to be simply something your palms could feel along had dissolved into a spiraling perplexion, driving you utterly mad the longer you dwelled on it.

Something you knew the answer to—it was so obvious, yet shrouded in a fog you couldn’t seem to uncover.

Curling your fingertips to sense that you truly were alive, eyes raking along the indents of faint lines etched across your arm whenever you tensed up…everything about you seemed foreign under the scrutiny of the grotesque figures circling about and looming over your back. Even away from them huddled in the comfort of your own skin, you could feel every little inch racing up from your back, down to your ankles.

A disdainful crawling sensation that ate away at you from the inside out as it gnawed away at the confines of your skull from within. Warping the hellish landscape that was in fact your sense of self, leaving nothing but an empty husk of who you once were—well, if you were anything to begin with. Peace was but a stranger to you and anyone around you, for captivity was the only ‘comfort’ you had familiarized yourself with upon hiding away from what was considerably your rationality itself.

Though, at times you wondered if peace was truly such a stranger to you. Atleast in the way you thought.

Around her, you could slumber into the comfort of your instincts, rather than the artificial comfort of a world that wasn’t even your own. Rather than an inherent inferiority you were forced to bask in, there were flickers of gleaming light that spilled into your eyes, blinded you with the heavenly kiss of your desires piecing together, as if it was something that was dislodged from you long ago. Something that made you complete.

It was as if those striking, silver eyes melted your distress away like molten steel that flowed with impurity, yet beheld a beauty in being forged alone without hammering it out. You had never been able to truly comprehend the maelstrom of unfathomable, blurry emotions that plagued you, yet for some strange reason…

Hyuna’s presence alone quelled the ache that tore away at you since you were old enough to comprehend your existence. Her voice alone a remedy to the barren silence stirred up within you, whether it was brash and loud upon calling out to you, or soothing and resonant whenever her slender arm draped over your waist. Nose huddled into the heat radiating from the crook of your neck, and her breath carefully fanning against the dusted rose tinge dancing across your throat as she held you flush against her.

Around her, you could faintly grasp what it meant to ‘feel.’ The instincts you felt, the drive to act a particular way you had never seen, it was perhaps what it meant to be human. Those quiet sighs humming out against her chest with the steady rhythm of her heartbeat that was your very own music. A patter that pushed against her chest and graced your ear with something so raw and beautiful in itself, for it was as enticing as her singing voice upon gracing your ears.

Often times, you couldn’t tell what exactly about Hyuna it was that comforted you so. It was hard to grasp why she meant as much as she did to you, why the drum of her fingertips tracing along the protruding lines of your ribcage instantly let you soften between her arms hemming you tightly between them. Cheek pressed to the metallic bite of silver kissing your jaw as you came into contact with her name—etched on her chest as the brand of each silver letter sunk into her coffee skin.

Of course, you couldn’t deny your place in the rebellion as a home. Away from your infinite chase to understand yourself as you had never been taught, nor had anyone you knew personally. And more-so a life that alienated you further from well…literal aliens themselves. The gaping hole in your chest never seemed to disappear, only stretching wider the further you carried on, a missing piece lost in the sands of god knows what. If there even was a divine intervention above to poke at your thoughts, yet it wasn’t like you even understood truly what your thoughts beheld. Only the gesture of gears grinding against one another in your head, unsure of all that circled you in heaps of thick fog.

However, Hyuna truly made you feel complete. As if that void in your chest had been stitched up piece by piece with sharp precision. Your pure heart entrusted in the palm of Hyuna’s hands as you would allow, a crystalline heart fragile to the touch, threatening to shatter if it so much as dared to slip away from the bond you had clung onto with her. The one which allowed you to succumb to your instinct for once the moment her touch rested upon the heat of your body, a longing you had craved. A desire you could truly bask in, rather than fabricate a falsehood of understanding.

For she had truly freed you from your own shackles. Gave reason for every fiber coursing through your body, and every drop of blood in your veins.

—

Nothing disturbed the presence of gentle, gold glows paled through the murky windows in the atmosphere weighed by nothing but quiet breaths. Accompanied by the soft hum of a bleak fan as you huddled shoulder to shoulder with Hyuna in silence, eyes devoid of a single gleam borne within them as the two of you relished in the scratch of the blanket wrapped over your lower half.

Your lips remained tightly pursed, cold gaze averted into a darkened void that wasn’t there, or anything to avoid Hyuna’s eyes. For you truly didn’t deserve to meet the faint gleam of her periphery in all its beauty, even a blink beholding the light of a kiss upon your lips the longer they wavered on you. It wasn’t so much as you couldn’t understand why you refused to meet her face to face, no matter how much the other woman prodded at your shoulder, calloused fingertips grazing the frigid touch of your bare skin. A jarring contrast to the way her hands were always warm, no matter what conditions the two of you resided in.

“Come on. You haven’t talked to me all day, what’s the matter?”

Silence merely followed the inquiry, no matter how enticing her voice was to respond to. Or your unfathomable urge to keep a touch of some sort flush against her lingered like a haunting breeze, flickering in and out of sight behind you as you were cast into the throes of uncertainty. It seemed as if the world around you had ceased its endless motion forward simply for the likes of you, halted as everything around you had stilled in its tracks.

Utterly every little thing. From Hyuna’s worried eyes stuck searching the side of your face turned away, jaw tightened as your hair fell past your cheeks like a curtain shielding you from the cruelty of the world…all the way to the sun spilling through the windows, its light unwavering and empty.

All of a sudden, you nearly flinched away from an abrupt infringement on the fantastical loathing you had plunged yourself into. As if you had been pulled out of an ice cold body of water slowly drowning you, consuming you whole to feed the curses you placed on your own curiosity. That intrusion was none other than the rigid warmth of Hyuna’s hand resting atop yours, flesh against flesh.

Something as foreign as emotion, yet so common you’d grown accustomed as to not question it. The gesture itself was an oddity that had grown on you in life over time ever since you met Hyuna, for it was in your nature to glare upon something you could not comprehend before questioning it almost instantly like second nature. Perhaps this was what alienated you from others in a cruel, twisted universe where even the most intact with who they were broken shells of who they once were. For laying in your own blood was your punishment for being human. A vile, monstrous creature that only regarded its own interest in life. Or atleast, that’s what you thought.

Something about Hyuna may have made you rethink such a sentiment, though. An ounce of the loathing qualities for humans wasn’t bearable for you to see in her. Everything down to how you longed for your soul to intertwine with her, from the inside out even in an intangible sense was far too much to bear in itself. The way you craved to hold her heart in your twitching, tense hands the same way she carefully caressed yours with utmost care, knowing full well you didn’t deserve to come within an inch of touching the veins of her pulsing heart.

However, you couldn’t deny what she wanted. And all Hyuna wanted..was you. She wanted you to keep such a vulnerable piece of her cradled within your grasp, to attempt something out of your nature for the sake of your devotion to her. She loved you furiously like no other, her walls crumbling in your presence alone, alike to how she comforted you without a word being exchanged between you two.

“…I can’t say it.” you finally murmured in response, voice broken and cracking as you hugged your knees to your chest, the blanket once draped over the two of you now spilling past your knees to pool around your ankles.

Hyuna cocked an eyebrow, yet not so much in a snarky send that couldn’t make sense of what you were saying. Rather it was gentle, unlike what she displayed outside of when it was just the two of you huddled together in the cool embrace of a sullen room, littered with discomfort and stings of air you couldn’t shrink away from. Yet comfortable enough to bask in one another’s presence, as that was in fact what threaded your sanity together by a single string of longing.

“How come? I don’t get why you—“

“No. It’s not that I don’t want to..I can’t.”

You dragged your quivering lower lip between your teeth, peripheral vision blurred as your gaze was devoid of any sense of humanity, nor reality held within them.

“…I don’t understand. All I do understand is I want you to stay with me, and I don’t even know why.”

“You don’t have to know why to want it.”

You blinked over at her, as if Hyuna had uttered something so outlandish it had struck you.

“What?”

“Can I not want you because you’re everything to me? Or do I need a reason for it? That’s just how I feel.” she replied, now being the one to no longer meet your eyes.

You’d be ashamed to understand you couldn’t fathom this either. No matter how much someone explained it to you, or the fact that it quite literally couldn’t go any deeper.

A low hum reverbated against Hyuna’s throat within the unnervingly calm quietude circling you two, the air thick with a tension clawing at you two from the inside out. Such a shame, for Hyuna had been hopelessly in love with a woman who couldn’t love without purpose, or so she thought. While you loved without purpose, all while you focused on understanding why rather than embracing your everlasting desire to cling onto the fabric of her shirt, to watch as your fingertips glided down her back in a taut crease as it folded beneath each drag of your fingers.

You truly did love her, yet being unable to put your finger on why broke you down bit by bit. Nonexistent sanity somehow slipping away from your grasp even further the longer you dwelled on your mishaps and confusions that conjured such an unpleasant storm that burrowed itself in your head.

Finally, your mouth was able to open and speak after what seemed like an eternity of awkward silence, heavy breaths audible in your gasped out words suppressing your unexplained tears.

“Stay with me. Please, Hyuna.” You repeated, words falling from your lips in a breathy, desperate attempt to cling onto your only source of warmth.

Hyuna breathed out a quiet sigh, thick brows furrowed as she leaned into your side. It was plainly obvious, despite the lack of words conveyed..she was at peace, even if it was for a brief moment. That fleeting pause with you was all she needed. Away from her troubles that constantly played in her head like a broken record, no matter how had she tried to clear it. Away from the everlasting burn that throbbed in her chest from a moment’s notice.

She just prayed. Prayed to nothing that you weren’t a bloodstained illusion, or a false hope bestowed to crush her further. She couldn’t handle any more.

“I’ll stay, (Name).”

She repeated your name with such devotion, an adoration she harbored from the very depths of her heart to the palm of her hand, still resting on your knuckles. Her responses were low, brisk. Unlike the usual energetic laugh she’d bark out, or her hands combing through her hair with a grin. Only slow and soft, as to what she desired.

Nothing else. Just you. Not anything about you. Just…the fact that it was you.

“I love you.”

Hyuna whispered, eyes fluttering shut as she leaned into you further, face burrowed into your hair with an arm slung over your shoulder and pulling you closer.

You didn’t say it back. You couldn’t.

—

Shallow gasps and whines crowded the humid air harbored within the walls of the dimly lit room, the dusted, greyish sheets creased and rumpled below you as Hyuna’s fists closed around the cloth bunched up below her nude body. Your own vision blurred hopelessly the quicker your hips rocked forward against the enticing heat of the woman splayed out beneath you, her low, drawn out moans spurring you on further.

Nothing dared to interrupt the carnal burn of the moment enclosed within the walls circling you, erected tall and shielding away from the toils of everything outside of this very room. Merely you with your paradise, confined to the desire entrapped within the warmth of this very room under golden light. The way the muted, tranquil light illuminated the toned arch of her stomach pressing upward whenever your clit grazed hers, both of your bodies drenched in sweat.

You weren’t even sure what exactly you were doing, and you assumed neither did Hyuna. All you knew was you wanted her as you were consumed by the clawing need that clutched at your chest, driving you to collapse to your knees from the sheer overflowing affection you felt for Hyuna. Was it affection alone? Perhaps not. But that was merely the excuse you could put on it, and the only feasible explanation as to why you were hovering over her all teary eyed, nipping and sucking at the flesh of her throat for the sole purpose of hearing her tempting voice lulling you into a state of bliss.

It made no sense. Absolutely none. You just didn’t get why you wanted to make her feel good, why you wanted her so bad to the point where it physically hurt. It pained you to be away from her for a moment, all while you relished in the moment of grinding your hips forward against hers, fingers planted into her hips to ground yourself as your cunt slipped along hers seamlessly with each uncontrolled movement.

Was it but another pitiless reminder of what had been stripped from you emotionally? This coarse, erotic need that tightened the coil in your lower belly as something foreign to you the more your own moans fell shamelessly past your feverish lips, harmonizing in a melody of sensuality that mirrored the same noises Hyuna sobbed out.

You swallowed back the nervous lump in your throat as your gaze raked over Hyuna’s bare stature, pupil’s momentarily dilating at her sharp jaw exposed from her face tipped to the side, her dark hair spilling behind her and over her tanned shoulders as they barely veiled over the curve of her firm breasts outlined by the beads of sweat rolling down her body. And not to mention the flesh of her right leg brushing against your skin oh so alluringly, all in accordance with her ravishing expression twisted in pleasure.

Cold steel rested in your grasp, your teary gaze flicking up to Hyuna’s as her forearm was thrown over her forehead. Arm hooked around her prosthetic leg, your eyes squeezed shut for a moment as your nails grated against the metal held over your shoulder, lips meeting the frigid, faux limb over and over up to her innermost thigh before gaining the courage to look into her eyes once more.

“Can I keep going..?” you breathed out, subtly pushing the sweat slicked heat of your hips forward into her twitching cunt as Hyuna grit her teeth together, suppressing the sudden whimper that threatened to crawl up her throat.

Drawing in an inhale from her nose, the rebellion leader swiftly composed herself, with a nod, still trembling as she aimlessly sought to grasp your leg resting on the left side of her body while her prosthetic was held firmly over your shoulder. Scrambling for some sort of stability, a ground that was utterly hers. A sanctuary rooting her in reality to assure her that the woman she loved was right there with her, assuming such a fate so adoring and brimmed with desire that she wanted to have sex with her, despite being unable to touch upon the prospect of why.

A sharp moan wrenched out of Hyuna’s throat the moment your cunt dragged along hers at such a drawn out, leisurely pace. Slowly thrusting your hips back and forth as you hopelessly grinded against her, your own head falling back in bliss. The world had completely closed in around you two, time itself once more stopping how it usually did for you two simply to accommodate you both. However, it seemed different this time. Rather than despair, you were filled with a sort of veneration toward Hyuna, your love could never be put into words, only into the feeling of your pulse squeezed so tight within the confines of your body.

Every drop of rushing blood in your body screamed her name, savored her every breath, every sound and knowledge of her descent into the heat filled pleasure scorching between you two among heat laden sighs.

Once you were able to regain yourself, you managed to lean forward into her once again while fucking against her with your own ardor mingling with hers, akin to the way your breaths fanned against each others’ soaked skin. Free hand flying up to cup the underside of her breast as your fingertips dug into her skin with bruising force, anchored into the supple flesh which was then followed by a series of low pitched moans, all gradually heightening in volume beneath your touch.

“(Name)..”

“I’m sorry. I won’t do that again.”

You whispered against her breast, lips hovering over the warm brownish hue of her chest, further illuminated by the golden rays of heaven dimly shining over her from above. Before pressing your lips against her chest reverently, worshipping Hyuna with each little touch that resided a bit longer where your lips walked, whether it was in a trail of fire or death incarnate. Your mark on her was unmistakeable, one of which she savored for as long as her life would allow her to. That the embers of her existence, in this universe or cast away, would always harbor and imprint on you as well for as long as time would allow.

“Ah..”

Your teeth grazing her chest wasn’t that of selfish penetration of her carefully constructed barriers that locked away her vulnerability, nor was it a pure form of devotion that gave yourself up. Truth was, Hyuna didn’t know what your intention was for decorating her skin with a gentle flush of bright red marks that bruised over her. Yet one thing was clear. It was an act of gentle reverence, along with your ardent desire to keep her all to yourself, and it was all visibly evident in the way the rhythm of your hips faltered against hers.

Your grasp had practically clawed into the metal of her thigh as you felt Hyuna’s orgasm crash over her, hips seizing up viscously against your own as they flicked upwards against your cunt in a rush of hot white. Her juices painted beneath the grey sheets as they stained over you quite a bit. Your own following up not too long after as each painted, clear slick washed between your bodies in a thin string barely connecting you together in the maelstrom of overwhelming desire curdling to a halt.

Hyuna threw her arms around the base of your neck, resting atop your shoulders before her hands clasped together behind your nape, heartbeat flaring wildly chest to chest—so rapid and accelerated in trembling pulses you could feel it against you. Overwhelming as it thudded in tandem with your own, slamming against your exposed chest in a display of fondness sinking behind dusk.

The act wasn’t as lustful as your actions had deemed it to be, rather more of an anchor of how much you needed one another. A tender vow spoken in silent darkness among you two savoring the gentle warmth that still resides above and against you.

You gazed down at her, Hyuna’s head dropped low as her forehead pressed against yours. Hard. Like she would lose you at any moment if she even dared to release the grasp she held so tightly around you. It wasn’t enough to express it, you could only flicker your gaze to meet her fuzzy, silver eyes the longer her quiet breaths heaved out. There was no space between you two. Skin to skin. As close as possible.

As close as you wanted to be to her. So close that it would be impossible to even glance away from drowning in her eyes.

“I love you…(Name)…” Hyuna exhaled, voice trembling and hushed as she shivered against you, still hugging you tight against her.

You opened your mouth..and yet, you still couldn’t say it back.

—

You should’ve known.

Nothing would ever last.

It never does.

Atleast not as long as you hope it does.

You wonder whether you universe favored you or despised you. It’s cruelty on you was unmistakable, yet its blessings were more than enough for you to cherish. The curse you believed was so powerful that it obstructed your humanity wasn’t a curse at all, but rather the paradox you had been cursed with. Cursed with believing in you curse. A realization crowned by the unwashed blood coating your cut hands, a thin sheen of crimson gliding down your fingers past each crevice you tried to squeeze shut.

You brought this curse upon yourself. Why couldn’t you have just chosen to ignore that insatiable need to justify everything, or a reason or an answer or anything that drove your head into a downward spiral?

Never once were you drowning. Yet you never realized that soon enough with her. You had already been a part of her, heart, mind, and soul. From so much as your fingers interlocking with each other on cold, dreary nights threatening to consume your sanity. All the way to warmth that kisses the top of your hand in the rebellion hideout whenever she was around.

Now, you had lost it all. Everything dissipated in an instant beneath your feet on the cool stone your boots shuffled against, crowded around by sticky, vermillion pools that oozed out of the familiar body limply draped beneath your feet. Your misty gaze narrowed with disdain between two people, unsure of which to pin the dreadful fault onto. One of which locked onto the cream haired man—Luka, shivering like a leaf as his face was splattered with Hyuna’s blood. The shock in his eyes refused to process the pain currently coursing through him, clouded in utter confusion.

You couldn’t blame this onto someone else. Your agony was all caused by your own ignorance. The fabrication of an idea that you had enough time in a hopeless, desperate world that died in your view the moment you had been born into it. A word hadn’t dared to leave you as you knelt down cautiously, taking Hyuna’s deceased body in your arms, carefully cradled to brush your thumb against her waning pulse as you propped her up onto your knee. Stains of blood streaked over your arms the longer you held her, tears falling freely down your face as you tensed each time a faint, fading breath was heard from her.

What right was there to complain for someone as moronic as you?

“…I love you too, Hyuna.”

That silent sob, your profession of love, it wasn’t a response to the corpse. It was a response to the living, breathing Hyuna ingrained in your memory. The one who had said it so many times, yet you never said it back. A reciprocation you had clutched tight within you, yet never spoke out loud. You were finally able to say it. There was no reason to love someone, nor a deeper purpose behind it. Just..love itself.

Fingers threading through her dark brown hair, your eyes fixed on hers once more. The silver once brimming with life, now dull and faded, devoid of any ability to feel love for you again. What a fool you had been, so much so that being dead would serve more purpose than where you were now.

The only company you had now was your thoughts, silently hissing at you in reverence of Hyuna’s corpse, still staining every bit of your clothing crimson the longer you clutched her body to your chest. Your grip not even thinking to grow any looser with the passing moments your gut wrenching, agonized cries muffled against her hair.

‘I thought my emotions had purpose. That I couldn’t explain my love for you because it wasn’t real..or maybe because it was so strong, and I should keep it to myself.’

‘Perhaps I thought my devotion to you would be framed by a reward..helping me find my own purpose. I got greedy. All I got was my love, crowned in your blood, returned to me.’

With a final, quivering sigh, your tightened grip on Hyuna relaxed, yet refused to release her corpse. Squeezing the other woman tightly against you while your head hung low, tense muscles relaxing. The rustic scent of blood stung your nostrils, while metal lightly decorated your lips when you pressed your lips to her wound momentarily, a sickening warmth you shouldn’t keep to yourself, but you wanted to. Just a little longer.

An embrace you truly couldn’t escape this time. You were as close to her as possible like you had always wanted. And you’d melt into her, even in death. For it wasn’t strong enough to pry you off of th one you loved. With a final press of your nose to her frozen cheek, you choked out a repeated whisper, hoping wherever Hyuna was, she heard you.

“I love you.”

A/N: hi yes u can come out of hiding now ur dinner is ready now pay your tribute to the shogun.

but god this was so fun to write I’m sorry if she’s ooc I literally got into alnst super late like in January LMAO but fuh yeah im addicted in a way and it’s highkey peak so yay!!

OH MY GOD ITS 5 IN THE MORNING IVE BEEN LOCKED IN FOR THIS TOO I DUDNT GET DISTRACTED WTF