Identity Crisis, Be Patient.

Perhaps you found yourself seeking comfort in a warmth that wasn’t there. Hoping there was someone out there that could hear your heartfelt plea. You weren’t sure whether you wanted them to strip these feelings from your body, or exacerbate the already comforting pain you dwelled in as you held your intense desire. A sanctuary, yet also a curse pulling you to the flaming depths of a hellish landscape you were shackled to, unable to escape.

You were simply reaching out with nothing but hopelessness gaped in the hollow pit of your chest. Wavering between your unrequited love, and need for something, anything, to quell these feelings that gnawed at you as nothing but a nuisance.

Oh, but she wasn’t a nuisance. In your eyes she was perfect.

Perfect but never yours. Never needed you the way you needed her. The way that Mizi was your lifeline, your reason to not simply survive, but truly live. The way she loved you back but not as much as you craved her touch against your cold skin, her slender fingers dancing over your chest and flat against the curve of your breast where she could finally see the extent of her divinity to you. How much she had affected you, and how her very essence was carved into your soul ultimately. Where Mizi would remain both in your life, and your death.

And yet, she never needed you the same way. Never held you as dear as you held her.

You’d often let out a soured, breathy laugh upon remembering it. Often without even knowing your voice rang through the empty, soundless clearing. Silence circling you in every vocal aspect within the garden, yet your ears couldn’t ignore the harshly gentle howl of the winds sweeping against the pale ivory of your clothing under minimal light. Nor could they put off the gentle ambiance of the vastly dark sea above you, lowly humming like an easing melody that lulled you to sleep.

Quiet hiccups would frequently follow the abrupt laughter rolling off your newfound sharp tongue in the moment, your noises resembling a wounded animal rather than a human. Though, you couldn’t help but cling to the piercing idea adhering to you every waking moment you thought of her, or perhaps yourself? You were no more than an upright piece of flesh with the misfortune of being conscious. Oh, of course. That’s a contestant worthy of the far fetched divinity of her love.

You didn’t deserve it. Not when her happiness lie with someone else. Her heart borne by another woman who truly shared a mutual devotion, unlike you. Unlike you whose presence meant nothing once you go up on that filth ridden stage only to die, to have yout fate determined in a matter of minutes. And if if you were to survive? You’d have to glare a corpse for a second too long—far too long for your own comfort.

And yet, the prospect of that didn’t sicken you, nor did it make you retch or shrink away as you thought you should. You couldn’t help but tremble at the mere idea that you were fucked in the head altogether, even the thought pinching shivers up the indent of your spine, all the way up to the base of your neck in a way that made your skin crawl in itself. Surely, another reason why you didn’t deserve Mizi’s love. You were only sculpted to observe from afar, stare on without even a glimpse of what happiness would look like if you were the one in her arms instead of Sua for once.

Maybe the worst part of it was the fact that you could never bring yourself to turn away from her smile. Such a beautiful sight for you to lay your eyes upon when your whole world left you blinded, akin to dipping your fingertips into the garden’s cool rivers as the streams rushed across your skin. The soft rush that glided against you being no more than an escape, a satisfactory feeling that caressed you physically, yet spoke to you emotionally in the throes of a comforting embrace.

It would’ve been so much easier if you could just hate her. Both her and Sua. Mark these feelings of yours as ridiculous and childish for you to be pining over the girl whose eyes would lock with yours, who would bring her palm against your cheek so closely you couldn’t help but lean into it. Whose expression shared the same sentimental affection toward you to some degree, only further accentuated by curtains of pink strands loosely framing the sides of her gorgeous face.

But alas, you couldn’t bring yourself to. The teary, choked up smile that graced your lips whenever you saw Mizi’s face light up around the smaller dark haired girl, who in turn embraced her with felicity that you wouldn’t dare to rival. Not even in your wildest dreams. A burning ache in your chest which refused to be quelled would continue to reside, engraved into your heart for eternity.

Every waking moment Mizi spent with you, the genuine smile that graced her lips which you’d in turn mirror as your calloused palms rested along the small of her back through thin, pale fabric loosely hung over her body was the only reason for the quiet, dull warmth spreading low in your chest. You’d frequently hold the other girl close to your chest, caging her in a gentle embrace filled with ardent longing, to which she’d reciprocate with equal enthusiasm.

“What’s with the hug, (Name)? Did you miss me a lot?”

Oh, you wished that was the mere reason you clung to Mizi like a lifeline. Your replies were often brisk, shrouded behind a gentle laugh and crowned with a smile as the only genuine thing you could muster upon seeing her once more. Along with the joy that her presence provided you.

“Mmh. You could say that..I’m just glad to be holding you.”

In reality, you couldn’t necessarily tell whether you wanted to mask your heartbeat by feeling her skin against yours, hiding your burning longing for Mizi, or whether you were essentially screaming your feelings by pressing flush against her. To where Mizi could practically feel the violent thud of your heartbeat hammering against your chest.

Your breath would hitch whenever you grappled with the mere realization that you were deceiving her with your antics. Searing love and desire for one person, no matter how seemingly pure it may be, still harbored a speck of selfish impurity. Driven by every possible emotion that screamed in the face of your imperfect humanity. You loved everything about Mizi, which is why your feelings for her were but a part of yourself you despised.

You wanted to let it it go. So badly. The lurch in your chest would be an impossibility she would never reciprocate. She loves you..not in the hopelessly devoted, graced manner you loved her.

No. You were happy to see her.

…

You were vile.

The most vile woman to roam the human race.

Sometimes, you believed it would’ve been better if the segyein had put you down instead of selling you as some pet to keep or even think to adore at all. You were disgusted with yourself at the prospect alone of wanting Mizi. How infatuated with her you were. It truly was silly, wasn’t it?

Cruelty came in different forms. Some of which plagued you for a profound warmth that was supposed to be truly beautiful. Giving you someone whom you were held dear to, yet not close enough to reside in the deep crevices of her heart.

The solution was simple, was it not?

You’d love her through and through, devoted enough to make sure nothing became of her, nor her own lover. It was no secret how you’d often reside around Mizi and Sua when they were together. Eyes fixated across the garden’s gentle glow, gazing across at the two together, while the feeling that ran rampant within your head remained unclear. Vision blurred together within the flurry of longing and contentment, obscured by the same uncertain, dreary ache.

It was alright. Your pain was nothing. Especially if you got to see her happy.

—

Soft hums of the sunset’s ambiance reverberated in quiet swirls of wind crowding the heavy air circling you two. Bright pink strands curtained down to mask Mizi’s stilled, hollow expression while she curled in on herself to further hide her face away from even the smallest glint of sunlight peeking through. In turn, you clicked your tongue pensively, gaze fixed on your friend bundled up at your feet, knees hugged to her chest.

Her shallow breathing rang in your ears, soft exhales gently expelled past her lips. Yet the hitch in her breath didn’t go unnoticed by you, uneven slips of air hiccuping in her throat in a motion so quiet—you were amazed at the fact that she had shrouded her distress so well.

“…I can see you hiding, you know.”

It was hard to tell whether Mizi was ignoring you, or if your snarky comment wasn’t worth replying to. Either way, you struggled to swallow back the sudddn nervous lump sitting in your throat as your jaw tightened, fingertips pinching at the fabric of your pale gown. Evidently so, you couldn’t stand the idea of Mizi being upset with you in the slightest capacity. So, you proceeded to dip your head lower, leveling your cheek with that of hers as your gaze flickered through the gaps in her silky hair strands covering her expression.

Letting out a low huff, you settled on the faux grass cushioning your legs as you lowered down onto the blades flattening beneath your weight. You sat curled up to your chest in turn as your head tipped over your huddled knees, arms haphazardly thrown around the curve of your legs held lazily against yourself. A soft breath pushed past your chapped lips, coolly fanning against the rough flesh as you took in her clearly distressed form, shutting herself away from the terrors of the world. Away from all the harm that threatened to inch closer to her even when she had caved in on herself in agony.

Although, the closer you observed Mizi, the longer you basked in her silence with each waking moment stretching through the wordless air in her sorrows…you took in each small mannerism of hers as the faint tick of a clock bellowed in your mental landscape. The faint quiver of her lip caught your eye, even if it was for a brief moment as she dragged her lip between her fangs, skin flushing red in her grasp from the sheer force she was exerting into herself. You were surprised she hadn’t drawn blood from how hard she was biting.

“Mizi..?” you called her name once more, voice slightly softer as you attempted once more to catch a glimpse of her face past the spills of her hair deliberately covering her face.

Finally, the other girl mustered the courage to raise her chin from her arms shielding her periphery, chest heaving in uneven stutters as she glanced up at you.

Oh, my love..what have they done to you?

Her face now stood out in full view to you, no longer hidden under the mask of her hair, nor her joyous facade. It was utterly raw, vulnerable, almost animalistic as Mizi’s shaky breaths trembled in the crowding quietude surrounding you two. Her pale skin, once as divine as lunar gleam kissing the landscape below it—now was tainted with the reddish, swollen bite of someone’s malicious handiwork cracking her carefully crafted facade. Both with physical force, and the bitter sting of one’s words cutting through any attempt to remain calm.

Tear cracks were barely strung down her cheeks. Hastily wiped away, yet still residing in flushed streaked along her face. And her eyes? The once warm, gleaming pools of chartreuse heat you swore you could swim in, the same ones that sucked you in and welled such adoration and joy within you, were now dulled with utter nothingness blank in her pupils. Her irises appeared a dim gold below the orange hues of the sky, casting a harsh sliver of pale golden light onto her swollen cheek.

Even in her misery, she was still ethereal to you. Not by appearance merely, but even in the raw vulnerability of her emotion that shone through, it was beautiful.

Your gaze softened as it landed on Mizi’s dimmed light staring back at you, her breath hitching as she took her time taking in your every feature as well. Twisted satisfaction momentarily crowded your mind as you gazed upon her, yet you immediately shut it down. You knew you were awful..but you never considered yourself to be insane to the point of enjoying the idea of Mizi being able to be vulnerable around you? Were you truly mad? So far gone that even your head had warped into the mere idea of being of use to her?

How foolish of you.

That flash of satisfaction had quickly morphed into deep concern for your friend as she was actively succumbing to her distress, eyes still wide and transfixed on you, as if your own gaze beheld all the answers she sought. You were able to muster up the courage to inquire her after those moments of selfishly berating yourself due to your own thoughts, hand reaching out cautiously to settle on Mizi’s shoulder.

“What happened..?”

Mizi didn’t reply for a moment. Her shoulder twitching in response to your fingertips gliding across her own gown as the only thing that seperated your skin from hers. The only thing that walled you away from her vulnerability that could sink into your chest as a deceptive stab once you found out as well.

“(Name)..? Why do you like me? What do I have that makes you stay as my friend?” she breathed out, voice small and shrunken down as her light prominently faded in the face of your supposed scrutiny.

“What? Can I not just like you because you’re you?”

“That’s not—“

“Then what?” you mused, your eyes drilling into her as you prodded further for what she could possibly be thinking. How wrong she was when assuming you didn’t adore every inch of her whenever she stood under your gaze.

“Is it because I’m pretty?”

Well, that question had made your brows furrow. You squinted at Mizi as if she was the alien herself, blinking rapidly to register the absurdity of her question. Of course it’s not because of her appearance, why would it ever be for something as trivial as that? Your devotion to her knew no bounds. Every waking emotion of hers that could’ve swirled in a clouded mess within her mind, every possible thought that ran amok within her skull, beautiful or ugly, you cherished it like it was your reason to live. You would be foolish to regard her appearance, as beautiful as it was, to be your reason for loving her.

“Is this a trick question? Everything about you means…well— everything to me.”

Your voice dropped to a whisper as you leaned in, the hand on her shoulder now tracing up the dip of her collarbone, and gliding your roughed up hands along the smooth heat of her skin drawing you in. Hand resting on the ivory metal of her collar, you proceeded to slip your fingers beneath the tightly fastened cuff to the best of your ability, squeezing yourself beneath the pressure of her collar as the light was still gleaming red. You stilled at the point on her throat where you could feel her pulse, gentle beats twitching against your touch. It was hot. Alive. Burning with her intense emotions all splayed out for you to touch.

“Mizi..do you know how much I love you?” you blurt out, catching the way her eyes widened, and her brows raised in surprised the longer you touched her. You weren’t thinking nor holding back what you said anymore, only leaning into her, to which Mizi surprisingly reciprocated. Leaning into you in turn as if she sought comfort from the warmth of your own touch you had deemed invasive to even lay upon her.

She didn’t seem disgusted, nor did she pull away. In fact, she seemed to relish in your upfront feelings that swallowed her whole. You had half expected her to pull away, knowing full well that her heart belonged to Sua entirely, or worst case to strike you in turn where your face matched hers in bright red. However, there was something quite precious about the fact that you’d unlocked yourself to her. Open and vulnerable the same way she was as you nuzzled against her with genuine love and adoration. Nothing like the false and superficial comfort bestowed upon her from the boys who had liked her merely for the pretty face she was.

Instead, it was her close friend who layed herself bare for Mizi to feast her eyes upon. To take in her emotions and entrust her with yours as well, like clawing your chest wide open into a gaping hole to pry your heart out of, and trust her to cradle the still beating muscle with such tender care the same way you had done for her. Sliding your fingers out from beneath her collar, you raised them up to rest against the swell of her bruised cheek where she had been struck, eyes darkening at the mere sight of her physical pain.

“I don’t..need..”

“Mizi.” you cut her off firmly. You weren’t about to let her shoulder it herself.

“I don’t even want to think about it. The idea of mating with a male..”

“I know. It’s grotesque in its own way, isn’t it?”

She nods, almost shameful for thinking of something that shattered their image of her.

“Do any of them even like me for me?” Her voice quavered. The idea alone seeming to sicken her to her stomach as she clutched at her own arm.

You continued to idly stroke your thumb along her cheek, unconsciously drifting it over to the corner of her lip as you eyed the points of her fangs each time. Hm. The thought of Sua being the one to satisfy Mizi’s hunger was a brief thought that crossed your mind, but now that you were open with her with far too much room to think, you suddenly dwelled on that thought for a moment too long. A pang striking you in the haze of both your vulnerability intermingling with hers.

“Men are simple creatures.” you reply, now keeping yourself against her bottom lip as the pad of your thumb pressed down.

“Hell, even Till has that same..stupid reasoning.”

You bristled at that. You hated anyone who would seek to bask in Mizi’s comfort for such shallow reasons, Till included.

“Till’s a fucking idiot.” you spat, words sharp with disdain. Not toward the boy himself..just the idea that he played into in regards to whom you loved. Even Mizi seemed surprised at your voice that dripped with venom when addressing the subject, as if you were upset for her.

“Isn’t that a little too-?”

“No.”

“So. You don’t like me just because of that?”

“You could look as horrendous as the segyein, and I’d love you just as much.”

Your voice shook with each word punched out of you, grip subconsciously tightening against her.

“For the record, you have no obligation to mate with any man. You’re in love with Sua, no?”

Those words themselves tasted bitter on your tongue as you uttered them.

Mizi huffed, her lips quirking up for the first time today in the comfort of your grasp. Her muscles relaxed in your hold as your other arm snaked over her shoulders, holding her flush to your chest as you tipped your cheek to press against the side of her head. As if you hadn’t needed another word, your hand cradling her face harshly spun her over to face you, your eyes glassy as you pressed your forehead to Mizi in pure desperation.

“I love you so much..”

Your voice came out as a hiccup, pouring out every emotion you had pent up toward her. Mizi quirked an eyebrow, yet you swore her eyes flickered to your lips briefly.

“(Name). You said it yourself. You know the person I love most is Sua.”

“I know.”

“So..?”

You bit your lip, breath catching in your throat as you averted your gaze from Mizi’s in shame. How could you be so stupid? Of course she loves Sua.

“I didn’t mean it that way, Mizi. You know what I meant. I just really care about you.”

“Ah. In that case I love you too.”

Without thinking, your thumb dipped into her mouth, pushing between her pursed lips as you took the liberty to glide the pad along her teeth. Until your skin caught against the razor sharp point of one of her fangs. Savoring the way it broke through your feeble human flesh, and drew drops of deep crimson dribbling from your cut thumb. You pulled back, examining the way your thumb dripped with blood before hushing Mizi’s oncoming worry.

“Can you say it to me again?”

You whispered. You were aware she wasn’t stupid. Mizi probably saw right through your cover upon playing off your confession as platonic love. She knew that you adored her to the ends of time, were hopelessly devoted to ever fiber of her being as long as she lived. And perhaps even in death. Yet she did care about you. More than enough to indulge in your pathetic antics.

“I love you, (Name).” she murmured, holding you against her tight as you both were engulfed by the cocoon of each other’s embrace. Time stilled in the swallowing sea of fervent affection, and you had wished you could stay like this forever. Just bundled up in Mizi caressing you, and wallowing in the delusion that maybe she loved you as much as you loved her.

But you knew you couldn’t do that. Her heart belonged to Sua…and solely Sua.

To truly convey your love..you had to let her go.

Let her go to the one she loves.

So you pulled back, a solemn smile crowning your lips as Mizi looked back at you, perplexed.

“Go to her.”

“(Name)?”

“Go to Sua. Please.” you whisper, suppressing the sob that threatened to crawl out of your throat.

Mizi had very clearly picked up on the pain stirring deep within you, tearing apart the fragility of your heart bit by bit. The way she tugged at your heartstrings every time had finally sunken each thin, silk thread deep into the muscle which pumped your blood, garroting and cutting at your sensitivity for all it was worth with each flash of her in your weary vision as she drifted away. Glancing back at you with saddened eyes as her feet raced against the false grass to be with her lover.

And you? You simply lie there. Knelt in the same position you were in, arms now limp at your sides as you stared at nothing. Broken down to your most vulnerable state, and now remaining left in the dust as a small, fragile girl caving in on herself. As her unrequited love had ripped her heart out from the inside out. Drowned in the prospect of her selfishness as she hated the idea that she was anything but happy for the woman she loved having someone special.

No matter. She deserved everything. Even if it meant your beating heart was torn out of your chest.

It was as if you were knelt at an altar once more, eyes wide and hollow as your life force was drained from you, and your fingertips rested on your lap, curled inward while they lie decorated with specks of bright red dripping from the hole in your chest. The one where your heart used to be.

Yet if anything..? Mizi was the only one you trusted with your heart. No matter what she did with it, you’d be satisfied.

—

This outcome truly never would have even crossed your mind.

Not even in your fantasies or hopes, and even then you’d think yourself a vile pervert for even fantasizing about such a scenario. Even in the throes of your disgust, you would’ve harbored atleast a hint of pleasure at the opportunity to let Mizi feed on you, or to even feel your skin against hers, bare for the first time.

But not like this.

Not when she was curled up in her respective room, violent sobs racking her body every time you passed by the thick wooden door obstructing you from seeing her or comforting her in her misery. Whenever you’d creak open the slab of wood to peer at your friend, her hands were tangled into her hair, shivering violently as if she had been struck by the cold as she fisted bundles of pink in her grasp. Streams of her hair, fading a gentle blue at the tips veiled Mizi in a shell away from everyone and everything. Allowing her to soak in her grief…and her own blood as she muttered hopeless nothings to herself amidst her anguish.

You had suspected Sua would die. You had suspected Mizi had known of Sua’s idea to essentially sacrifice herself for her. Yet the outcome remained all the more painful to see, no matter how well you knew of this said plan.

The sight in itself was dreadful to gaze upon. Sua’s voice being abruptly cut off amidst the two women’s tender duet as crimson sprayed from the wound on her neck, splattering across Mizi’s face as you barely registered Sua choking on her own blood. Only followed by Mizi falling to her knees to stare at her lover’s corpse in pure shock. Eyes void of any emotion as the newly clasped collar on her throat glowed vermillion on the tiny indication dot.

Since that moment, the past few days consisted of Mizi remaining out of the public—or well, anyone’s sight. She refused anyone’s calls or even refused to respond to anyone knocking at her door where she resided. Instead either replying back with her screams and sobs, or meeting the guest with complete silence that rendered them deaf and insane to stay any longer. Said sobs you had come across were heartbreaking, making tears prick at the corner of your own eyes to see Mizi in this much pain, and knowing there was nothing you could do about it.

You felt worthless for being too weak to even help her while she was submerged in her misery, twitching and refusing to even reply to your voice gently murmuring her name. Or shouldered away your attempts to touch her, that is if you were able to come far enough to even lay a hand on her.

That fateful day you stumbled upon her crying again, clawing at her own arms as her bottom lip shook, you finally zeroed in on Mizi’s repeated behavior over the course of the past few days you hadn’t thought to mention. That is..until now. Her hand constantly resting on her throat while she gasped for air, as if it hurt to swallow, or as if the dryness had overtook her airways in a way that rendered her unable to properly breathe.

Your blood ran cold.

Was she..starving herself?

No doubt, the lack of blood in her system had left her throat dry and stomach empty. You learned to pick up on her small behaviors whenever Mizi was hungry, it would’ve been hard not to from the way you constantly observed her little mannerisms. One of them being her holding her hand to her neck as if she was struggling for air.

—

“Mizi..? It’s me.”

Your knuckles rapped against the door once more, praying for a response from her. Even if it were to scream at you to leave her be. Though, for once, you didn’t expect the differed response compared to her usual lash outs toward anyone who dared to come near her for the past few days. This time, her voice was hoarse, softer. As if she had been worn out and she was struggling to ever string two sentences together.

“Go away, (Name).

Mizi attempted to keep her voice firm, but all that came out was a weak whimper from the other woman.

“How can I..? Please, let me in..”

She shook her head, albeit being unavailable to your periphery. However, her voice spoke a completely different story.

“…I don’t deserve to live.”

Carefully, you pushed open the door. Thankfully being met with virtually no resistance this time around as you trudged forward to her curled up in her bed. The satin sheets were messily draped over her body, the fabric bearing countless messy ruffles and creases beneath the weight of Mizi’s form splayed out on the bed. She was completely bare beneath the cool air that continued to attack her parched throat, making the pain all the more unbearable considering how sensitive her skin was in the moment.

Your eyelids lowered as you took in the pitiful scene before you, chest lurching with an unfathomable pang that compelled you to rush over and embrace Mizi tightly. Hand resting on the edge of her mattress, you propped yourself up beside her, inching yourself closer and closer to her hand out in the open, illuminated beneath the soft light overtaking the dull, lifeless room that swarmed you two. She barely managed the strength or willpower to even look over at you, yet you could make out the lackluster gentleness in her newfound gaze. The prominent ache in her bones screaming Sua’s name, who now lay deceased and reduced to ash.

Grasping her hand gingerly, you kept your eyes on her as you brought her knuckles to your lips. Her skin was also as dull and thinned out, almost rough as she hadn’t moved an inch in days. You had noticed pools of water seeping along the cool tiles of her bathroom through the door left slightly ajar, all while the bathtub was filled to the brim and leaking out past the porcelain bowl. Only then did you catch a glimpse of her body streaked and shiny under the pale light, small droplets of water clinging to her skin and soaking the sheets below her as she did nothing but stare aimlessly at the ceiling erected tall above her.

So, she’d crawled into the tub to forget her struggles. Or perhaps to relive some kind of memory she had with Sua? You couldn’t quite pinpoint what it could’ve been.

“You have to go up on stage again.” you inform her. It hurt to even tell her. You didn’t want to be the one to remind her she had to walk back up onto that dreaded stage where she lost her lover. All you wanted to was hem her in between your arms and hold her tight.

No response.

“Please.”

The resignation in your voice might have just broke something in Mizi. To her, she had already lost Sua..what would she do if she lost you? In the depths of her already destroyed emotional state, Mizi was unable to bear even the most distant hypotheticals that plagued her from afar, tears welling up in her eyes from the mere idea of seeing your corpse in the same limp posture on the ground as Sua’s.

“Please..what?”

Mizi forced out, swallowing to in hopes quench her stinging thirst inflicted upon herself. Her now frail, untouched arms unable to gather the strength to sit up or raise an arm to match the grip you had on her palm. Only being able to flick over her dimmed gaze to settle on your saddened expression, clouded with that same adoration you held deep in your chest for her as children back in ANAKT.

“(Name).”

Her voice was firmer. Attempting to grasp your attention and snap you out of any possible sorrow that mirrored hers. And it sure worked. You instantly perked up, on level with her as she managed to cradle your cheek with a feeble grip quite telling of her weakness and fading lifeforce. Yet you were filled with a flicker of hope for the woman laid out before you, now fully immersed and attentive to Mizi’s every word that lingered on her tongue.

“Yes..? What is it, my precious Mizi?”

Her breath caught at the sudden affectionate title, her fangs now peering past her mouth as she gnawed on her lower lip. She felt ill for finding comfort in the title the way she just did, wrenching at her gut and screaming at her as if she were a heinous traitor who deserved to burn and rot in erupting flames.

“Remember when you said you loved me?”

You froze. What..?

“Y-Yeah..? What of it?”

Raising herself by her elbows, Mizi grunted as she exerted her all her strength to perform an an action as simple as sitting up. Before her bare thigh swung over your waist pushing you flat against the cloud like pillows and blankets engulfing you in soft comfort as she straddled you. You could feel the droplets of water that still stuck to her bare thighs, soaking through your clothing as she caged you between her grasp by squeezing them together, expression desperate and…empty.

Your eyes raked over her nude body towering over you, dead stare void of anything but hurt and longing as she leered down at your neck. Oh, how she craved the metallic taste of blood once more, especially one of someone she loved. She refused to feed on anyone or anything, not even supplement bags that had cooled to optimal temperature to consume ready for her to just guzzle down. Yet, she couldn’t bring herself to even bat an eye at a red drop in her direction. She didn’t deserve the luxury of having anyone else’s filthy blood on her tongue. All she craved was the saccharine succor of Sua’s blood filling her mouth.

But when she looked at you, the word filthy faded away all in itself. Burnt into a memory as she eyed your neck in such a predatory way that she would’ve slapped herself silly if she were in the right state of mind for even thinking to feast on her friend in such a lecherous manner.

“I don’t want to go onto that stage again. I’d rather die..” Mizi whimpered, burying her face in the crook of your neck with a pained voice. She was now seeking comfort in you, water now soaking through your clothing and wetting your own skin.

She swallowed, before continuing.

“Do you know how much I miss her?” She muttered, withdrawing herself from the junction of your collarbone as she rose back to her full sitting height atop you. Voice almost soured as she recalled the details of Sua’s face, and guilt eating her alive the longer her heart beat. The longer she remained alive in this worthless life of hers.

Being unable to even reply, you winced upon feeling the deep crease of crescent like marks being indented into your waist. Deep enough to outline deep into your hips, yet not hard enough to draw your blood. Though, judging from the way Mizi fought to keep her grip steady, you could only infer she was aching to draw your blood.

“I still do love you. A lot.”

You bit your cheek in turn, feeling an awful pit in your stomach at the words.

“…though it wouldn’t be appropriate for me to say to you now. Given the circumstances.” you clarified. Half expecting her to feel comforted, you were caught off guard by the way her eyes narrowed in familiar rage. It was unclear toward what though…not even Mizi could tell. Herself? You? The situation you two found yourself in?

“I love you too.”

…huh?

You blinked in surprise, taking in the sight of her completely naked and keeping you down with her weight in the daze of her exhaustion. Potentially not even thinking straight. Her body swayed in an attempt to stay upright and keep herself on you, breaths short and punched out as if oxygen was an intrusion to her body. It was quite difficult to fathom, really. The woman you love above you, keeping you down as she was completely bare, each dip and curve of her body on blatant display before your eyes. Not hiding a single inch of herself as the way she perched above you would’ve been enough to send anyone spiraling into erotic madness within their heads.

However, you were just confused. She had assumed such a position, left herself on display solely for your eyes in the confines of the small room you two were walled in..yet you don’t feel anything particularly arousing as you thought you should. Nothing she did, no matter how overtly sexual it could’ve been interpreted as, riled a hint of arousal within you. The heat pooling in your lower stomach on particular nights you’d shamefully thought of Mizi was nowhere to be found in the time you were vulnerable and naked with her.

Perhaps it was pity? Or your inability to feel any of your typical romantic states due to Mizi’s unstable state of mind practically overtaking her whole now. You didn’t want to buck your hips up or chase anything to quell this now nonexistent arousal. Instead, all you wanted to do was cry. Bury your face in her hair, nuzzle up against her hand with teary eyes and hiccup broken apologies for a loss that doesn’t involve you at all.

Holding her limp palm to your face, you looked up at Mizi, eyes glossed over like hers. But yours was moreso out of the sheer pain that came with seeing whoever took up your heart had now crumbled, while hers was out of a deep, searing ache that was born out of losing someone she loved. Now conflicted upon seeing one more woman she loved, yet could never take Sua’s place.

Mizi leaned down, breath fanning over your ear as her voice came our more desperate than she intended. Cracking and hiccuping between words as she inhaled to catch her breath each time.

“If you love me..please..let me have you..let me feed off you.”

You opened your mouth, more than willing to agree. Of course. You had been offering Mizi your blood since you were kids, all while she always declined. Unable to drink from anyone but Sua. It was alright, but now you knew she needed you. But you immediately shut your mouth, hearing her complete her thought.

“Let me pretend she’s not gone..” she whispered sweetly. As if she was trying to coax you into agreeing to this absolutely ludicrous, disrespectful thought.

Oh..oh.

A bitter taste crept into your mouth, and your stomach dropped at the proposal. The prospect of having who you were stripped from you made you ill in a way you couldn’t begin to describe, the void in your chest only deepening into a meaningless, dreadful cavity. Consuming you whole into a husk of your former self as agony arched over you.

Maybe this was your punishment for loving her. That was it. Your impure feelings deserved some form of retribution.

The look in her eyes made it impossible for you to refuse her request. The desperate, broken down shores of her existence now disclosed to the open, entrusted to you to carry her pain you promised to shoulder alongside her. As if it wasn’t awful enough, Mizi’s voice came through in a quieter, pleading tone once more, demolishing any resolve you could’ve had against this as she leaned forward.

“I’m sorry, (Name). I know it’s you..just let me..”

She cut off, fangs brushing over your exposed shoulder in a way that made your pulse quicken. Though, you could now discern this wasn’t some fantasy or happy ending for you as your body buzzed with excitement at the idea of Mizi feeding off you. With a teary smile, you threaded your fingers through her pink locks, pressing the back of her head flush against your exposed shoulder as your composure died upon feeling her against you. Your beloved Mizi.

She needed you, and your life meant nothing. What better way to fulfill yourself and her by being there when she needed you. Someone this worthless wasn’t in a position to complain..and if anything, you were overjoyed that you were who she needed, even it came at the cost of your longing.

“Oh..Mizi.”

You pressed a soft kiss to the side of her neck, swallowing up the way her uneven breaths reflected in her the way her throat bobbed. You could feel it..every touch. You were hers for tonight, even if she didn’t see you.

“Take what you want from me. I’m all yours.”

—

“You’re so beautiful like this, Sua.”

Mizi hummed above you, voice a sultry purr as she towered over you, still undressed. Your own nude body was outstretched beneath her, head tilted to the side as you allowed her to savor the view of your enticing throat. Ready for her to sink her teeth into. The pain would subside, or perhaps intermingle with your satisfaction that you meant enough for her to think to do this with. Even if it wasn’t your name she called. Her calmed expression was enough for you. A heavy contrast to her previously agonized distress that came close to killing her. Anything. Your dignity was no exception to her desires.

Planting a soft kiss to your bare chest, Mizi ran the length of her slender fingers down your stomach, savoring every inch of you framed in her vision. Willing to do this with her. She’d be lying if she said her guilt wasn’t rotting away at her from the inside..but she would rather not spoil the moment. Not when you’d been such a sweetheart to accept her outrageous desires, and the way you were so compliantly gasping for air when her grasp cupped below the soft mounds of your breasts. She loved every part of you. While you turned your head away, wanting to meet her hungry gaze..yet you couldn’t.

Was there even anything about you that actually reminded her of Sua? Or was she that far gone?

The faint outline of your silhouette was visible in the dim, almost nonexistent glow beneath the dying lamp. Flickering in and out of consciousness with its own light as your vulnerability was being fed on beneath the misery of another vulnerable woman. One which you’d die for, and do things you can’t fathom to do for anyone else. The smoke in your head fogged any rational thought as you took in the heavenly sight above you, trembling as you committed each heavenly feature of Mizi’s to memory. From the way her face perfectly framed the lowered gentleness present in her eyes right now, down to her supple lips and bared fangs curved into a smile.

She seemed so happy. And through your tears, you were glad you could make her happy.

Cascades of pink hair curtained down around the two of you, creating a beautiful veil of privacy that kept you away from the outside world. Savoring the warm intimacy harbored between you two as the dread enveloped you whole. The muted shadows of her body cast a shroud of momentary comfort in under Mizi’s warmth, her chartreuse eyes boring into yours with pure adoration. As if you were a precious soul she clings to like her lifeline. Mizi couldn’t help herself then, and leaned down to kiss your temple. A gesture that surely thawed the doubt in your heart, even in the given circumstances.

You mentally recall the lyrics of one of the songs you were set up to sing soon. Something that would calm your frayed nerves trembling with uncertainty in a moment as close as this.

혈관 속, memory.

Where you are right now, Mizi. Deep in my bloodstream. Where I want you.

“Oh, Sua. I missed you so much.”

Your eyes stung at her addressing you by the name of another woman. A biting, harsh reminder that you’d never be the one to rest in her heart. Not in this life, not in another. Her heart would always belong to Sua, never once even catching a glimpse of you from afar. But it was better this way. You didn’t want to be the one to bestow your everlasting love and devotion unto her. Not if it meant she wouldn’t be happy.

But right now with you, she seemed so happy. The curtain of allure masking you two as she nuzzled into your neck with a deep, contented sigh was enough. Even when your emotions blurred and conflicted, the only thing on her mind was your scent drawing her in. Tongue dragging along the side of your throat to soothe you before she inevitably consumed your blood.

Drowning in infinity was where you were always meant to be. Suppressing the sobs threatening to spill out of you whenever she called you by Sua’s name. Mizi had caged you in her warmth, thighs locking you in on either side of your waist, head lowered as her eyes fixed on the prominent pulse point near your throat. Exactly where you had felt here when you were younger.

You were distinctively soft under her touch. Even if you weren’t Sua, you weren’t someone to be discarded, no. She treasured you like you meant the world to her, clung to you and positioned her body to entrap you atop the mattress. Shielding you with herself to keep you safe. Oh, Mizi did love you. But her devotion wavered when it came to your presence.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity under the gentle howl and rustle of nonexistent winds sweeping over your bodies, Mizi dipped her head down to brush her fangs against your neck. Taking note of the quiet shivers and hiccups that racked your body whenever the sharp point threatened to break your skin.

“Shh. It’s okay. I won’t let anything happen to you.”

Strangely enough…her reassurance was far more soothing than anything else she had spoken during the course of her closely intimate feeding. Words that made your tense muscles relax and the fumes beneath your bones extinguish. Maybe because she cherished you and your safety, not who she wanted you to be. Her hands glided up your sides to feel up the protruding hardness of your ribs situated snugly below your skin, nails experimentally clawing at the preexisting ache that throbbed in your sides. And quite frankly, thrummed across your entire body.

Mizi’s fangs burrowed into your throat at last, puncturing your flesh with a bellowing crunch as low moan form her vibrated against your neck where she latched. Your eyes rolled back into your head at the intoxicating bliss overtaking every sense that existed within you, the room above you now bleary as the lightheaded heat crept into every crevice of your body. Swallowed every bit as your entire body chanted Mizi’s name like a mantra, until your senses were clouded with nothing but Mizi’s presence engraved into their very function.

In turn, Mizi’s eyes were screwed shut as she sucked in the streams of blood rushing into her mouth like heaven after starving herself. Your blood harboring the similar, sweet saccharine that her tongue welcomed the longer you spilled into her. The familar metallic hint also mixing in to balance out the sugary bliss she swallowed as you fought back the urge to thrash against her. A small whimper escaped you, and you couldn’t hold back the tears that began to slip down your face. But you couldn’t discern whether it was from physical pain, or the emotional distress of having Sua’s name slapped over you within the storming realization that Mizi would never…

You didn’t even want to finish that thought right now.

Now when you were so vulnerable, with blood drenched over the valley between your breasts as it messily spilled down from the two holes in your neck she was still lodged into.

After several minutes of draining your blood, Mizi threw her head back with a groan, chest heaving and body far more active than it was not too long ago. You looked up her, eyes still pricked with unshed tears that remained as your head spun, instinctively drawing yourself to lean into Mizi to seek her comfort. And finally, she looks at you, really looks at you as you note the telltale hitch in her breath at you being the one below her. Not her raven haired lover. (Name). The girl she had used to satiate her hunger. And her needs. Mizi couldn’t even begin to put into words the dismaying nausea she felt for the pain she had inflicted unto you.

Her dearest friend.

Maybe..she could have loved you the way you loved her. But her hands still aimlessly clamored toward nothing. She still clung to Sua’s memory sitting in her head, caressing her with such tenderness that tore her between two roads. Tying her between her love, and her selfish satiation. Mizi couldn’t bear to see you cry, so with all the courage she could gather to look you in the eye, she leaned down. Kissing your neck where your blood still oozed out as she drew in a gasping breath. An apology.

“I love you..I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, (Name).”

The dam burst from behind your eyes, your cries finally manifesting in messy, wet sobs that spilled down your cheeks as you leaned into Mizi’s touch. She rested her head onto your chest, tracing little circles against your bare breast as her naked body intertwined with yours.

She was trying to comfort you.

But deep down, you knew she didn’t mean it. She just felt horrible for stripping away your dignity. And it just kicked in.

You knew she cared..but she wasn’t as in love with you. Not in the way she was with Sua.

“Thank you. My universe. My..precious..(Name).”

She tried out the same title for her on you. It didn’t bring you that same quickening pace in your heartbeat. It didn’t make your chest flutter. You just felt..empty.

And yet, you foolishly clung to her like you would die if you didn’t breathe the same air as Mizi. Seeking all of her as she cradled you softly in her grasp under the guise of false pretenses.

“My universe.” Mizi repeated, resting her cheek to your chest.

But you knew you weren’t.

All you could do, was stand by with the fact that Mizi’s heart didn’t belong to you. Everlasting devotion now shrouded in thorns crawling over the once bright flowers of your heart, as each petal of the flower crown you crafted in your head wilted off. Stuck to someone you loved, yet didn’t love you back.

You weren’t her universe, and you would never be. Even when she snugly praised you with the idea crammed in your head that you were hers..your dream had died in distant memories. Drowning the purity of your devotion into foolish longing.

You weren’t her universe. But she surely was yours.

A/N II: OKAYYY SO FORGIVE THE INSANE INCONSISTENCY IN MY WRITING AS WELL AS THE REDUNDANCY because I wrote part of this last month and forgot my concept..and plus my motivation was all over the place. I’m on vacation and I HATEEEE being here let me out let me go back home and be a chud in my bed plz keep me away from the gynecologist too

But yeah!! Hi guys I’m alive ts so silly lmfaoooo im gonna cry why am I allergic to happiness..toxic yuri mmmmm. The recent influx of zomst content is making me really sad so that probably bled into my work

Good ending Sua lives and Mizisua and reader get into a polyamorous relationship and they’re happy yayyyy