my life

Fighting over within myself is the most difficult challenge in life..

Struggling over what you believe in and what your heart desire is the supreme trial to take in

Battling over what is good and right.

It’s been 1 year and 2 weeks and I still can’t get through this challenge of myself.

If love is a choice what good is a choice?  If I can’t fight the person I love the most over Almighty God

  I don’t want to drag her to a temporarily insanity.

Yes, you are accurate the relationship is not right and pleasing to his eyes; but it felt like she, my feelings, her feelings is right but NOT.. It felt good but not right..

I let her go and turned my back, broke my promises to her and shattered her heart..

I stayed away from her so God could wipe out all her sins to become pure again..

I loved her so much for I can’t bear to see her not being with the person whose right for her with blessing from above.

 But why until now I am still unhappy, sadness still lurking inside my heart even if I did the right thing

Yearning keeps growing because the longer I hide my feelings for her the more I fall for her. But I can’t make a move for I know if I return to her it will only goes back from where it started.

I thought it will be easy when I discontinued my relationship to her but it was not..

I stopped going to church because I am still guilty that I am sinner

Yes! It’s true that heart is temporary and I wish I had a push button to change my craziness

I wish I can switch off my heart but not..  I brush it off all the time but then it keeps coming back.

It’s been a year and still I can feel the pain.. 

Love never asks why since it speaks from the deepest heart of me and never explains.. it doesn't think twice and it comes at once. it has to be strong.. yes, my love stays strong when your in my arms and more stronger even more now.. you thought na unfair ako na iniwan kita, mali ka dun mas totoo ung naramdaman ko na  nagkaroon ako ng courage na iwan ka kasi alam ko na may taong karapat-dapt para sau.. masakit na iniwan kita, hindi ko kinaya ung nararamdam ko, isang bagay na hanggang ngaun tinatanung ko pa rin na tama ba ako sumunod ako na ibigay sau ang kalayaan na para sau o mahalin ka ng wala kang kalayaan na matagpuan ang taong karapat dapt para sau.. UU! duwag ako na na itali ka ng habang buhay sa piling ko, kasi takot ako na mahalin mo ako kasi maling tao ako, takot ako na patuloy ka na magkasala sa mata ng nasa taas kasi maling AKO, ANG PAGKATAO KO PARA SAU.. minsan na icip ko, sana tama lang ang pagkatao ko para mapatunayan ko sau na ikaw lng at nag iisang ikaw lng ang gusto ko makasama habang buhay peo mali e.. hindi ko kayang baguhin.. gusto ko man ipagpatuloy na sana tau lague kaso ung pakiramadam na inuusig ka ng nasa itaas at itatak sa puso ko paano mo sasabhin na mahal mo cia kung hindi KO  nmn  kaya ibigay ang tamang para sa knya.  ang saklap na isasampal sa mukha mo at pakiramdam na ipinagdadamot ko pala ang pagmamahal at kalayaan mo.. ang hirap icipin, ang bigat sa pakiramdam na bitawan ka.. sobrang sakit na ile-let go ang pinaka importanteng tao sa buhay ko.. peo wala ako magawa.. hindi ko kaya patagalin na patuloy ka magksala.. 

ang daming kung tanung sa taas.. masaya ako na ibinigay ka nia sa akin na iparamdam na may nagmamahal sa akin ng totoo peo ikaw rin pala ang naging paraan para kunin ka nia sa akin at baguhin ang pananaw ko sa buhay.. ang tanging hiling ko lng sa nasa itaas e ung wag nmn nia kunin pati memories mo para sa akin, un na lng ang pinanghahawakan ko sau.. 

pilitin ko man sagutin ang mga katanungan ko peo wala rin solution dun.. hindi maari maresolve at palitan ang tamang scripture.

its been ages ng hindi ako nakakasulat dito ah.. tagal na.. 1 year and 3 days.. now lng ulit ako nagkalakas loob buksan..

1 year and 3 days dami ko na realized.

ahm... official na toh... kausap kita sa skype.. i asked you one more time if magbabago pa icip..

ang tanga ko lng talga na d ko pa naintindihan na 100 percent na decided na k NA..

grAbe mabaliw baliw na ako... wala ako kausap kundi sarili ko.. ang maliit na higaan at ilang unan ang tanging kasama ko... wala ako masabihan at makausap.. akalain mo na ako lng talaga gagawa ng way para mawala ung nararamdaman ko.. mas pinakamahirap na toh.. wala ako comfort zone ko super lau ko.. wala pamilya ko.. kya ako lng.. hirap ng nasa malayong lugar ka tapos eto ang mraramdaman mo.. nag iisa.. 

mahirap ngaun at bukas at sa isang bukas.. sa darating na bukas..

peo panigurado mawawala at mabubura lahat ng nararamdaman ko...

start: 2:30

i don't know how to begin again..

i am so frustrated...

i am so alone...

this is so hard...

i am so vulnerable...

i am unlucky... 

i am so unworthy...

i cannot carry my heart... my feelings.. my emotions..

i don't know whom to talk to...

i will carry my burden alone...

i asked for it so i have to suffer the consequences..

i can't drink till i'm drunk... till i fall over..

i want to sleep to death...

i want to stay away from where i am now...

i want to pull my heart out and put it back when the rain is over...

my heart beats triple and i want it to stop...

my eyes is crying vigorously and i want my lacrimal duct to stops..

i want to block my thalamus..

i want to my neurons to stop functioning...

But then ....

i don't want to forget you..

i don't want to stay away from you..

i don't want to erase you from my memories..

i don't want to forget the feelings that we used to share..

i don't want to stop from crying because it reminds me of you...

i don't want to fall over and stumble and be gone...

you will always...

you will always stays in my heart...

you will always my 'ya...

you will always be a part of me...

you will always complete me...

you will always be the person i want to grow old with...

Start: 2:00 am

i am so thorn...

i am loser...

i am damned...

i am nobody...

i am so out of the blue...

Dear You,

i don't know how to put this in to words.. but definitely a lot of things change...

we seldom talked, yeah! you and i are both busy.time between us are taking at stake

i don't want to be the disturbance to you nor interrupt your way of life..

we never fought at all even small things, you don't want any arguments..

i wanted to put a spice on it but eventually i back down for i might intrude ur thinking

Silly it may sounds, self-centered. Yeah! i guess so.. 

pondering............, thinking.............., wondering...............

what kind of life is really ahead of us??? 

From,

I often find myself depressed and start analyzing...why am I depressed? I talk with other people about similar feelings...."blue" days....

I'm coming to the realization that I'm just really, really, really bored. And I have thought about this for a long time....what would make me happy?....what could I be doing that would make me feel better?

Im in a state of unbearable feeling of sadness. It's heavy. It hurts. It's almost tangible. I feel down...

do we nid to get wat we want or stop wanting? we ol, from tym to tym become

slaves to our desires... we imagine we'l feel wonderful wen we finally achieve our

goals.. sometimes its a big let down... we dont feel anything like wat we had

expected.. y is dat? if our goals and priorities cause us to struggle.. do we stick

with them or stop chasing the same old rainbow?.. i have learned if you fight hard

and long enough you can accomplish almost anything.. it often seems one road we

choose will lead to a destination worth reaching.. however the other road may lead

to a hollow victory... one road is usually a little easier to follow and therefore holds

the allure of accomplishments... that is where that hollow victory feeling comes in..

if we stick to the narrow path it usually takes more effort but then the personal

rewards seem so much more satisfying... i feel it for myself.. i want them to be

attainable.. jaz like the goals i set for my kids at KV.. i want my goal to be

something i can strive for with confidence.. yet know in my heart it will take effort