Burning Black and White

Denial is simply refusing to acknowledge that an event has occurred. The person affected simply acts as if nothing has happened, behaving in ways that others may see as bizarre.

In its full form, it is totally subconscious, and sufferers may be as mystified by the behavior of people around them as those people are by the behavior of the sufferers. It may also have a significant conscious element, where the sufferer is simply 'turning a blind eye' to an uncomfortable situation.

Denial is a form of repression, where stressful thoughts are banned from memory. If I do not think about it, then I do not suffer the associated stress have to deal with it. However, people engaging in Denial can pay a high cost in terms of the psychic energy needed to maintain the denial state.

Repression and Denial are two primary defense mechanisms which everybody uses.

Children find denial easier, as with age, the ego matures and understands more about the "objective reality" it must operate within.

http://changingminds.org/explanations/behaviors/coping/denial.htm

One way we can work on healing from childhood abuse and neglect is to imagine our childhood self and say the things to ourselves that our caregivers SHOULD have expressed to us and didn’t. Imagine your self at each of these ages. Imagine holding that child-self lovingly in your arms or on your lap, and say these things to the child-you that is still inside you.

[Taken from The Tao of Fully Feeling by Pete Walker]

Infant

Welcome to the world.

I am so glad you were born.

You are absolutely perfect just as you are.

I am glad you are a boy/girl/nb/etc.

You are a delight to behold.

You are a gift to the world.

I love who you are.

Toddler

All of your feelings are okay with me.

You can be interested in everything.

I love to watch you explore. 

I am always glad to see you.

You can do things as many times as you like.

You can like what you like and want what you want.

I like it when you say no.

I like it when you let me know if I hurt your feelings.

You can go off on your own or be with me as much as you like.

It’s okay for you to be angry, and I won’t let you hurt yourself or others when you are.

I love who you are.

Pre-schooler

I love how you speak and I love to listen to you.

I love how you sing and dance.

I like how you think for yourself.

You can think and feel at the same time.

You can make mistakes–they are your teachers.

You can know what you need and ask for help.

You can ask as many questions as you like.

You can have your own preferences and tastes.

You are a delight to my eyes.

I love who you are.

School child

It is always a joy to see you and be with you.

It is wonderful to converse with you.

You can trust your intuition to help you make choices.

I love how you have your own ideas and opinions.

You can choose your own values.

I love how you ask for what you want and need.

You can pick your own friends, and you don’t have to like everyone.

You can learn when and how to disagree.

You can be fair with yourself and others.

You can sometimes feel confused and ambivalent and not know all the answers.

I am very proud of you.