The way I can. not. form. an. opinion. on. Julian. I feel like I'm being manipulated alongside Paul with how much my feelings for him go from love to hate and back again (and I'm only halfway through the book).
One minute I think that we see him colder, more mean and cruel than he actually is because Paul has this fucking tendency to fill in the blanks and assign hidden meaning to everything Julian does. But other scenes really make me hate him, and not because I don't like him but because I see too much of myself in Paul and any perceived mockery or rejection that comes from Julian makes me wanna curl up and stop reading.
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This past month, I have experienced an evil gay situationship which blew up in my face. I wonder if this exactly how Paul felt when Julian left. This is gonna be the thing that pushes me to follow through on my second read.
This is my first fanfic ever, so I hope it came out well. I developed this idea over a few weeks, almost as soon as I finished the book for the first time. I wanted to write Paul really badly because he's my favorite, and he's such a well-written character that I wish I could've written him myself. I hope this accurately depicts him. I've been writing this for a while, almost two months.... After a lot of procrastination, writing blocks, and back and forth on where I wanted this to go, I finally finished it, so I hope whoever reads it finds it to be well worth the effort. I'm open to criticism and requests, so I can work on my writing a little more during the summer. Happy reading!! :3
March 1974
Dear fucking diary,
I've taken to writing in the back of a used notebook to cope with my time here. I've written letters to every address of Julian's I can remember, but he's yet to write back. The one letter he left behind, one of the few things they let me have here, says a lot but nothing at all. I keep the picture in the back of the top drawer of my dresser. I tried to let myself burn it, but my hand wouldn't fucking move it toward the flame, so I may as well keep it where I can't see it. As for the page, I didn't keep it, but I remember it exactly. I don't know if I should bother trying to argue with it.
Paul pulled at the edges of the bandages on his arm in the cool, frankly under-decorated office. In the E.R., they had told him it probably wouldn't scar, not with proper care. The pain was present in the dullest form, the kind that Paul just accepted as part of him. He shut his eyes, breathed in sharply, and tried to think of every question the doctor might ask.
How are you feeling? Who is Julian? What made you burn your arm? Do you have frequent thoughts of hurting yourself? Of hurting others? Did you hurt Julian, did youโ
The door swung open. A man in a grey suit emerged from it with a clipboard in one hand, an off-white mug in the other. He looked a little young for this place. Then again, the doctor might've thought the same of him.
"Fleischer..." he muttered to himself, tracing what Paul assumed to be lines or words with his index finger. He'd pronounced it incorrectly, reading it out as "Flesher" really, but Paul couldn't be bothered to correct him. In the same way he couldn't be bothered to shake the doctor's hand when he held it out. Only after what felt like a decade did he finally sit down. "I've heard a lot about you these last few days, Paul." Paul crossed his arms across his stomach, his face blank. How much did he know? "Heard about that nasty burn on your arm. Wanna tell me how that happened?" Paul looked at the wall behind him. A thin crack ran down the plaster near the light switch. He'd traced it with his eyes for the first thirty minutes of his wait. The doctorโs question barely interested him.
"It was an accident." It was the first time he'd heard his own voice in days. If he hadn't known any better, he would've thought it was too fragile. Too soft. Too empty to be his. The doctor didn't seem satisfied with his answer. Neither was he. "You're a bright kid. You should know lying will only keep you here longer. Everyone who sits in that chair that you're in now has one thing in common." Quiet lingered long enough for Paul to hear the ticking of the clock hanging on the wall behind him. Everyone who sat in the miserable office before him was some genre of crazy. In the few days he'd been in the ward, he watched the patients. Crazy in one form or another. He had nothing in common with them. He couldn't have, even if he tried. "They want to go home. Don't you want to go home, Paul? Live a normal life like boys your age?"
The last question cut him with a familiar burn, undermining, underestimating him in a way he felt he deserved. Paul thought the lack of a response must've been irritating the doctor because he kept talking. "It was an accident," he repeated when the room fell silent. "Don't waste your time. I'm sure you have patients that need your attention much more than I do." The words even carried a pathetic weight leaving his lips. He hated how close it sounded to self pity. "Alright," the doctor complied, dropping the subject for what Paul hoped would be the rest of the session. His eyes were fixed on the crack in the wall again. It seemed longer, thicker than it did minutes ago.
"I spoke with your mother briefly when she admitted you." A tired yawn followed as he flipped through the sheets attached to his clipboard. "You had a friend. Julian." His name in the mouth of a stranger felt wrong. The sheer fact that his mother thought she had the right to mention him to someone who couldn't possibly understand him the way that he did only irritated him further. "She said you two spent a great deal of time together. That he may not have been the best influence on you." "My mother doesn't know what she's talking about. He's not what you're thinking." He forced himself to take a breath. "Julian is a good person." Paul wanted to believe it. It was the only way he could justify their relationship.
For the rest of the session, Paul remained silent. His pressing questions about Julian and their friendship only helped him keep his mouth shut. The ticking of the clock kept the time for him. His sessions with the doctor, like every patient, were limited to an hour each. The hour hadn't yet met its end when the good doctor closed the session. Thirty-two minutes.
His room was the sixth one down a sterile, highly maintained hall. A nurse had been burdened with leading him back to his room. He figured the doctor only asked her because he was worried Paul would get "lost." An orderly jogged past them, chasing after a patient who'd stolen his clipboard during checks. Paul didn't look down on the mentally troubled, but he didn't consider himself part of them either. His roommate was thankfully quiet but clearly troubled. The bandages wrapped around his arms, wrists to elbows, told Paul everything he needed to know. About his roommate and what the doctors determined about him.
When the door closed, Paul sat on the edge of his bed. It was bare; one pillow and a thin blanket that was hardly long enough to fit the bed. His fingers itched for a pen. The sentences started to form in his head.
"Everyone's trying to convince me you're a lying monster. I know you didn't mean to leave. We're still in this together. I need you. Do you still need me? Do you still want me?"
Paul stood and took a step to the dresser. His hand fumbled through the top drawer until he felt the familiar piece of small but thick film. He braced himself, fingers tightening around the edges. Immediately, his eyes landed on Julian. He traced the features of his face with the tip of his thumb. Then he looked at himself. Paul could tell it was him, but there wasn't anything that he recognized about himself. The thing that hurt most of all was the fact that they were smiling. It looked real. He tore the photo into an even four pieces before shoving it back under the folded clothes. Still, he could see it every time he blinked. Paul kept his eyes closed as he closed the top drawer and opened another one with a lower placement in the dresser. He slipped his bandaged arm into it, holding his breath once his fingertips touched the bottom. Then he slammed. Over, and over, and over again until his arm went numb.
Hello fellow DATVD enthusiast! I would like to ask some curious questions if you donโt mind! First of all, what is your mbti? Second, what do you find most interesting about both Paul and Julian (as individuals & together)? Third, what type of movies would you like to direct in the future? Thanks! :D
Hi!! I haven't taken the mbti test in a really long time, but last I remember, I grew from an infp to an enfp. I'm not sure what I am now but I don't know if I've change that much in the last few years personality wise.
Your second question is a bit difficult to answer, so this might be a bit lengthy. I'm just going to live feed my thoughts. Together, I think the most interesting thing about Paul and Julian is how their relationship operates. Paul is obviously a disturbed person, but it doesn't scare Julian. I would say that he's drawn to it. They never had to really sit down and have a conversation in order to understand eachother, I feel like they do so naturally.
Julian, on his own, the most interesting thing about him to me is how well he masks. After the murder, you see him mask less and less effectively, but it's mainly Paul who notices the little things, as you would expect him to, but he still doesn't fully see the effect that killing someone and hiding it has on Julian. That can be credited to the fact that Paul struggles to see anything beyond his self-loathing and his desire to become someone else, but I think a good part of it also has to do with how good Julian is at putting up a performance. The scene where Julian says, "I can't be him right now," really got me when I first read it. Masking that well all the time comes with exhaustion, and sometimes I wonder how he dealt with it when he was alone, when Paul couldn't see. This isn't really a profound realization, but sometimes I also think about the fact that it's not really a story about Paul and Julian but about Paul and how he sees Julian. Maybe that's not Julian-specific specific but it is something I find interesting.
Paul, my love and my light, I find every aspect of his character interesting. Though I love them both a lot, he's my favorite of the two; I've spent the better part of the last few months thinking mostly about Paul, drawing Paul, writing Paul (I need to finish that fic...), but the thing I find the most interesting about him is the capacity he had for murder. Starting the book, you would never imagine that this awkward guy is a murderer or would ever be capable of planning a murder to the point he has like three fully fleshed out backup plans. I also find the way he views the world interesting, and I think it goes hand in hand with the fact that he was able to plan it and do it. I think I love him as much as I do because we see the world the same way, but I think he has a more pessimistic outlook than I do. I talk a lot about Paul on this blog, so I'll just leave it at that!
And your third question!! In the future, my biggest goal is to direct films that are based on the stories and characters that I've been building since I was twelve. Genre-wise, I'd say fantasy, horror (psychological, jumpscare, etc!), maybe a little bit of action. I want to make films that move people emotionally and leave them with a lot to think about. I feel like people say that, but they never really mean it. Outside of my own stories, I'd like to work in horror production. I've always loved horror movies and writing things that are meant to make people uncomfortable. This wasn't part of your question, but while on the topic of horror and film, my favorite horror franchises are Chucky/Child's Play and Terrifier. One of my dreams is to meet Damien Leone and have a nice chat with him because he started from basically nothing. He had an SFX kit and a dream. There's a lot to learn from someone like that, and I really would like to. Another dream of mine is to be part of a film production of TVD. Over the summer, I want to put my ideas down on paper so I can take the time during my college career to flesh them out while finding stability in my life. If I'm lucky, by some miracle, maybe I can send Micah a copy of a loose manuscript, get together some great people, and make something out of it. Not sure how it works yet, but I think it'd be great.
I hope these are decent answers! I really enjoyed answering all of these. Thank you! :)
I've been putting off my reread and my writing of tvd cause every time I go back and read excerpts that I took pictures of, it makes me feel so sick. I hate Paul Fleischer, I hate Julian Fromme, I hate these violent delights. It is genuinely sickening how much Paul hates himself, it is sickening how much Julian loves him despite it.
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Honestly I haven't touched it in like a week but that's because I've been ridiculously busy between preparing for graduation and maintaining my social life. I also rp so I'm always doing writing for someone else and I don't let myself write for the fic if that's not done and I'm always pushing back my rp responses because I am the worst procrastinator.
But outside of that! It's going really well. I like writing Paul, the misery he's in makes him easy for me to write because my ocs are miserable people, I'm always writing depressing stuff so Paul fits right in with my style. What I am finding a little challenging is keeping direction with it because I went into this with a very surface level idea and when I started writing I was like "I'll figure it out as I go along." Deciding where to stop also is a really hard thing for me, deciding if I want to turn it into chapters, maybe have it just be a series of TVD fics with no exact purpose behind them other than to write the characters and get better at writing. I am trying to match Nemerever's style since I really like the way he writes and I wanna develop my own version of it to apply to my own stories, so hopefully I'm getting it down well enough.
Here's a paragraph I stole off my draft, it's probably my favorite one in the piece right now. It's still a work in progress, but I hope to be done with it before the month ends so I take no unfinished projects with me into next month!
My favorite DC character is The Joker. This all started about 5 years ago when I watched Joker (2019) and I did a deep dive into his character and how it was portrayed across the decades. I resonate a little with Arthur Fleck and that version of the Joker is definitely a favorite of mine, like Paul, his character gives me a lot to think about. But I've liked essentially every version of the Joker except the design in The Batman (2004). He just looks more like a traveling circus version of the Joker rather than the ironically put together design he usually has. His design is what made me stop watching that show actually because I hated it so much. I recently got a collection of the Arkam Games because of Joker, and I'm having a lot of fun playing them even though I haven't played very much as of late. I do have a large collection of things Joker and this one I can show!
And then Marvel! My favorite Marvel character is just flat out Deadpool, he's really the only part of Marvel that I care a lot about. I'm the biggest Deadpool loser that I know. I just really enjoy his character, I find a lot of comfort in him and we have similar humor, mine is just more filtered according to who I'm hanging out with. I like that he doesn't filter himself. I like the fact that he's an antihero rather than a superhero because I'd probably be really annoyed if he was a super hero. I am the consumerism final boss when it comes to Deadpool, there was a point in time where any time I would leave the house I would inevitably come back with something Deadpool related. I am gonna show what I have on my shelves and walls but what's not displayed there is a blanket that I sleep with nightly, boxers, about three shirts, a mug that I make hot chocolate in, two necklaces and a plush that I stuck onto my backyard door downstairs for absolutely no reason. And he's on my grad cap! I'm graduating highschool tommorow, he's not done but the picture below is what he looks like now. He'll look better at the end of the night, trust....
I recently finished the Deadpool game. Every time I talk to someone about it, I take them through the history of it not doing well compared to the amount of money spent on it. Multi-million dollar game sold only around an estimated one million copies. It's really depressing. It's a good game though, in my opinion. While I enjoyed the portrayal of Deadpool in the game, it is also my least favorite portrayal of him. I think that might be one of the problems people had with it when it released. I spent 18 hours playing it over the course of two days. I also was not a fan of how it ended, it felt like such little reward for the long ass journey we took to get there but hey! It's whatever! Overall, I enjoyed it and I heart Deadpool real bad.
At the moment, my top three artists are Ghost, Ethel Cain and The Weeknd. Interesting combination I've got going for myself right now but it works. I haven't been listening to a lot of music recently for whatever reason but sure whatever.
This wasnt part of the question but my favorites of all TIME are Chase Atlantic, Ghost and MCR. And Ariana Grande as the runner up cause she's just always been apart of my life. Though currently I haven't been able to listen to Chase Atlantic cause I just get so mad every time I remember that they played Bludfest with a new song and I wasn't there. I also really enjoy Yungblud, more so as a person rather than musically but I did see him two years ago and I might see him at the end of this summer, so knowing two of my favorite artists/bands were at the same place, one of them played a new song which references my fav album by them and fav song by them, and they also PLAYED disconnected.... it's been very rough. I had an insane crash out when I found out they were even playing Bludfest, but it doubled back ten times worse when I found out about the new song. But whatever!! I don't care!
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I saw you also ask about ptv so I'm gonna answer both of them in this one.
Big fan of MCR! I run a fanpage for them (it was just MCR at one point, now it's just mostly MCR and some other bands), it's medicatemynerves on insta if you're interested. My fav band member is Mikey Way cause I just feel like I connect with him better than anyone else and he's honestly my transition goal, I just need to be him. My favorite song from them is I Never Told You What I Did For A Living. I do have a good amount of MCR stuff in my room. I have all their albums on CD (yes, even bullets! was a little pricey but worth it imo!!), one poster, one vinyl and a countless amount of shirts and bracelets and stickers. If I had them properly displayed I'd show them but I don't unfortunately ๐ญ And I might be seeing them this August so score!!
As for ptv! I'm a surface level fan of them, I know the entirety of Collide with the Sky and Misadventures but other than that, I just pull songs to listen to off their discography. I don't feel very strongly about the band members but that's okay! I listen to every new release and I enjoy their older stuff, I just don't consistently listen to it. I don't even own a ptv shirt but I would love to see them in concert someday!
on a scale of one to ten how much depression has tvd given you
totally ten, they plague me all the time and I could never stop thinking about them. but honestly, despite how tragic it is, I feel I read it at the best time because I was in a slump and having something to fixate on definitely helped me out of it. It did a lot for me when it came to being creative because since reading it, I've regained my passion for art and writing and music because I wanted to make things dedicated to them and it's also encouraged me to pay closer attention in my own writing and fix issues with my own ocs. I only talk about TVD on my blog but I would love for someday to add my ocs to that collection or start a separate one for my ocs.
This is a lot of yapping for this question, but tldr; it ruined my life but it also fixed some things in it and I love that!
PaulJulian in Ethel Cain part I don't know because I can't do this anymore ๐ they're just in every song. being an Ethel Cain fan is choosing misery every day, being a tvd fan is choosing tragic gay men every day, and I made both of these choices every single day
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once I start rereading tvd I'm just gonna start reposting quotes with no context, just typed out and posted.
in other news this has been the busiest week ever but I am maybe halfway through this fan fic. i enjoy writing Paul a lot, I feel like I'm getting him pretty accurately so I hope I really am and I'm not just thinking that cause I'm like "I'm the #1 Paul Fleischer liker!" (i like to think that I am, I just got a necklace today of a butterfly cause it reminded me of him)
