Cosmos

Before anything else, I want to say that I am so proud of you, Kim Jongin. You are a star — seeing you still amazed with how much love you receive, it's because you deserve all of it.

Kim Jongin, oh, the performer that you are.

A few months ago, the stops for KAION were announced. I was thrilled, excited, as my inner fangirl was shookt because Manila was in the roster. I jokingly said, "Baka first and last concert ko na 'to as a single woman. Attendan ko na!" I don't know, maybe. But I felt like I owe it to myself to go to this concert. But it all really started back when Jongin was still in the military, I made a promise to myself, "Kapag nagsolo-con talaga si Jongin pagkalabas niya ng military, aattend ako."

I was not the type of fan who buys merch or attends concert. I was the type who stays up at night searching for live streams of awards EXO was nominated in, watching awards shows even though I never understood they were saying. I was the fan who depended on subs in their variety shows. I was never part of streaming parties, but I was one of those who screamed their hearts out when comebacks were announced. Comeback photo teasers were one by one posted, I made sure I downloaded them. I also depended on fancams and fansite photos. Yes, I'm the broke fangirl. I have been with EXO in their early years - I'm pretty sure I got into the fandom during the Wolf era, but that didn't stop me from watching all of their debut teaser videos.

Initially it was Kris, then Sehun (who'd miss the rainbow hair though?) who caught my eye. Then when I started watching their debut teasers, I fell in love with Kai — hard. I saw his passion, his love for dance, for performing. Watching him dance felt like poetry - but with the most perfect, most sincere words. It seemed like the painting made with the most expensive medium, carefully painted for more than a thousand of hours. It was love that flows from the tip of his fingers to every movement of his body. It's always breathtaking no matter what song he dances to. I know, I felt that he carries his heart whenever he dances. There's no 99% as it's always his 100%. If I were to choose which performance is my favorite, it's always going to be the three songs from their debut Baby Don't Cry, Angel, and She's My Lady.

My mom knows that it's Kai who I refer to as my boyfriend back then. My heart admired him so much. He inspired me to keep on dancing (in which I had to let go as I got busy, because being an adult is just hard). Kai meant a lot to me. He cheered me up, made me strong, made me laugh, and truly became my source of happiness (being single that I was haha). I remember hollering at his and EXO's goofiness and dorkiness.

So, going back, attending his concert and seeing him live was something I know I really wanted. But as I got so busy with everything that's happening at work, I forgot the d-day of the ticketing. Plus I don't really know how to buy a ticket! "Pag malapit na lang yung concert saka ako bibili, 'pag meron pa, para sakin talaga yun." His concert was pushed back to the corner in my mind, only to be reminded of it by my friends who asked me and demanded that I go last June. I checked the website and tickets were still available! I chose Bronze — it was enough for me. I would push through if Silver was available, sadly it's what was sold out. If I were to secure Gold, it wasn't practical. From 3,750PHP to 8k, it was too much. I'm contented with what I bought.

A week before the concert, the storm was so so so so bad, that I decided not to go anymore. It's a hassle when it's raining, but lo and behold, the sun shone for Kim Jongin on the 27th. For the first time in my life, I saw my inspiration for 12 years. The person I've admired, was there on stage more than a hundred meters in front of me dancing his heart out. He was the same Jongin I saw in the screens of my laptop, pc, and phone. Hearing him say that he never expected to be loved like this, if he only knew.

Kim Jongin, never change.

Thank you for coming to Manila. This concert healed the inner (broke) fangirl from 2013. She was happy, her heart was so full. She cried when she witness you danced to EXO Medley. She cried when you expressed your gratitude. She cried when you performed. You're a big part of her life. She never expected to be able to see you, but she did. From #TeamBahay who waited for Twitter updates, to #TeamConcert finally.

I've put everything in the past, I'm all happy. I'm all healed up.

I can’t and won’t even say 2021, please be good to me. I don’t even know what to say. But, I know I’m not alone. This year, I’ll be more - I’ll start setting reachable goals, and for real reaching them. 

9 years, was it? Almost a decade, but here you are at this very building during one of the most awaited moment in your life. Congratulations! I am definitely one of the proudest. I know you made wrong choices, but they brought you to where you are right now; no regrets, just lessons learned. 

You once told me on how you shifted from one course to another, from one school to another. Eight years, wow. You should’ve been holding your diploma three years ago. Wow, changing your mind when you’re almost there, just one year left. I’m not mocking you, no, of course not. Instead, I’m happy you chose what made you happy. I always believed, from the very beginning, a person should choose what he truly wants. If he chooses something else, it’s just like forcing a circle peg through the square peghole -- not impossible, but difficult. I may seem like I’m talking nonsense, but I do hope you understand. Never be ashamed of the length of time you’ve spent in college. I know people who transferred from one university to another because of the feeling of dissatisfaction among themselves. 

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