My life looks incredible, if I'm being entirely truthful. I've had the opportunity to live in another country with the love of my life at the age of twenty-two. We go to beautiful places and do exciting things. It's great, really. Yet I still find myself empty, sometimes overwhelmingly so. I lay in bed at the end of each day, holding the hand of the man who loves me so selflessly, and I still have to force myself to find things to be thankful for. I start to make a list in my head. 'One, I have a comfortable bed to sleep in. Two, I have running water. Three, I never have to go without food.' I make a mental list of all of the little things in an attempt to remember how faithful God is. And I still feel empty. I add my friends into my list of thanks, remembering how full I've always felt after our nights together playing games and our weekly breakfasts and sunny picnic lunches in the park. And I try to fight back the thoughts of how long it's been since I've really talked to any of them. I try not to remember that they never start even the small talk anymore. I try to push aside the fact that I have no true, deep friendships here. But it's not long before sadness wells up in my stomach and I can't hold back the tears. The toxic loneliness is undeniable, and I find myself in a terrible mess of self-pity. 'Maybe if I'd been more fun, my friends would have wanted to keep in contact with me regularly. Maybe if I had better style or a prettier face, people would think I was still interesting. Maybe if I wasn't so shy I'd have been able to make closer friends here. Maybe if I didn't believe what I do, I'd be able to better relate to people. Maybe if I worked harder to learn more Mandarin, I could have deeper friendships. Maybe if I didn't suck so much...' and the possibilities are endless. I'm telling you, the thoughts are messy. If I didn't, by the grace of God, end this internal monologue in prayer, I'd probably completely hate myself by now. But the Lord reassures me that seasons are, by their very nature, temporary. Loneliness haunts me now, but it won't always. We were made for community, to be a part of a larger body. I believe that Heaven is so close to Earth when Christians come together in love. Every part of me aches to be in a community like that again–to love and encourage and pour out, to listen and engage and sacrifice. I don't know why God has me rather isolated right now, but I'm choosing to trust in His process, to pray through the tough nights in hope that better will eventually find me. Because I know with my whole heart that I was made for His glory, which is so visible in relationship, and that He will fight for my greatest good, which I refuse to believe is loneliness.