Falling Slowly

& believe me, i’m lost

insoo’s flat statement sends a pulse of shock and surprise through him. physically, he flinches, though the outward expression doesn’t reflect how much the words catch him off guard. abuse? he hadn’t been abused. the word makes him want to recoil and he doesn’t think that whatever sra had trained them to endure should count as abuse.

(but in this case, juwon is an entirely unreliable narrator. there’s no doubt about what he’d gone through at the hands of not only sra, but his parents, and the sheer fact of the matter is that juwon is already past the point of understanding abuse from a logical perspective.)

“no, they… it wasn’t abuse. it was training.” he defends with a surprising amount of vigour in his tone, his eyebrows furrowing together slightly. “it’s not… it wasn’t like that… i chose… i was proud when they picked me,” he confesses in a rush of words that makes it sound like he’s barely convinced himself.

but he is proud — had been proud, hadn’t he?

insoo questions if their friendship had been a lie, a mission, and juwon can’t help the twist of pain as he tries to think. maybe at the beginning, getting close to insoo had been a way to rekindle old friendships and work his way into the trust of those already trusted by meia, but a bigger part of juwon is telling him to tell the truth. the fondness he’d developed for insoo? that had all been real. that’s why he’s here, after all, telling insoo the truth that he’s hidden for almost a year now. because deep down, maybe he does believe that their friendship is strong enough for this.

“no, n-no,” he stammers out, his expression pained as he swallows, his adam’s apple bobbing in his throat. “at first… at first, yes… when i came back… but not after. not recently…” the words seem like they’re physically being ripped out of him with the pained expression on his face, even if he means every word.

insoo shuts down his attempt at trying to push the other away so quickly that it almost makes his head spin, and his lips part wordlessly in a protest that he never gets the chance to vocalize. “but,” he starts before his voice fades, not knowing what else to say in the face of insoo’s firm denial.

shaking his head slightly, he mumbles, “i barely… it’s not easy…” he mumbles and his lips press together as he lifts his head slightly. “i was doing the right thing,” he says with conviction, although his expression falters afterwards. “… or i thought i was. i just…” here, his voice goes very quiet, his shoulders slumping once more. “i wanted to make my parents happy again.”

insoo feels guilty asking even a single thing of juwon in their situation but it would be irresponsible to take it all at face value; both as an agent and juwon's friend.

if he was more strict on himself and others maybe he could've took juwon's admission as it was- dragged him down to the head agents and turn him over as a traitor. in all of insoo's short yet long-feeling life, he'd learned that things were never so clean cut and he'd never be able to make good decisions if he took things as they were.

he calms himself through a long breath, careful not to let it go too deep and make it seem like he's annoyed with the other or angry at anything other than the situation they're in. "juwon," he gently grabs juwon's arms, squeezing slightly. "do they train you like that here, do i ever train like that?" it's rhetorical, he's watched the trainings of others for various reasons- knows nothing wrong happens during them. it's sad that juwon was proud of being picked for something like that, of anything at sra, but it just feeds into the picture that he was manipulated. insoo knows what it feels like to be brainwashed-- not to the extent of his friend; he'd followed his parents, did what they said at first and thought it was the right idea based on the information they fed him, the ideals. they'd said it was the right way, that it was safer and those congregating together were a target and would never survive in the current climate. insoo went along with it because he had to, a kid at the time and because he only knew to follow his family. he can see the signs in juwon now that things are falling together.

it hurts him a little to hear that juwon had ulterior motives when he returned, but he trusts him too much to be turned away by the words. that was then and as long as their friendship was real after, despite how it came to be, then he would swallow the painful catch in his throat and move forwards; that wasn't important now anyway, not with everything happening. insoo's feelings weren't important now.

he watches the emotional journey that happens on juwon's face as he continues justifying it to himself. insoo can only say so much to him to coax out the truth and knows only by himself and with time that juwon can realize it all-- and maybe he had already considering he told insoo in the first place, wouldn't that count as a first step in realizing it all wasn't right?

"i believe you," he matches the volume of the room, quiet and soft. "i believe you thought you were doing the right thing." he slides his hands around again to hug him, light enough so juwon can push him off if needed. "but can you see now, that it never was?"

he can understand wanting to impress and make his parents happy- but this wasn't the answer and if it was for them then they were some sort of monsters. insoo couldn't imagine condoning something so dangerous for his own son. juwon could've been found at any moment and what would meia have done if it was during something crucial and what would sra have done if he failed whatever he was sent here to do. insoo's thoughts were racing far beyond what he could process.

"juwonnie, why are you telling me this now?" he hates to ask the other even more now when it's clear he's struggling in his own way, but insoo has his own worries and if he didn't know the whole picture how could he protect him.

& believe me, i’m lost

insoo tugs him towards the bed by his closed fist, and juwon stumbles along on numb legs that are about to give out, sinking onto the bed as per insoo’s direction. he feels like he might throw up soon, if the queasiness in his stomach is any indicator, and he presses his forearms against his stomach in an effort to quell that feeling. 

“sra sent me,” he repeats faintly and his eyes are fixed on the ground in front of his feet. “they made sure i would look… appropriate… before they left me near meia.” his voice is barely audible, purposely not thinking about the way that he had lost weight continuously for a month before, the way that they had kicked him and beaten him into the ground, the way that the cold had seeped into his bones and left him feverish up until sol had found him. 

insoo’s hand smooths over his, and he shivers at the warm touch, the kindness something he bitterly feels like he doesn’t deserve anymore with this betrayal that he’s finally revealed. “i lied to you…” he breathes out faintly and his hands twitch under insoo’s again. “i… i was supposed to be… everyone’s friend… to get information…” 

“i don’t deserve…” he pulls his hands away slowly, feeling horribly guilty for accepting insoo’s kindness when insoo doesn’t understand the gravity of his sins. “stop… don’t be kind to me…” 

insoo swallows down the sick feeling that grows at juwon's explanation. he'd been there when the other agent had been brought in. it was a sickening comparison he'd quickly had to go through seeing the newly found juwon versus the kid he'd known in childhood. they'd found him at perimeter or something like that and brought him in for the medic team to handle. juwon had just looked sick. he was an unhealthy weight, bruised and bleeding and left to succumb to hypothermia. insoo knew intimately how rough it was out there and for juwon to have been alone? it had broken his heart then and it broke his heart now. his mind warred with his heart and the information that that was part of a lie. the injuries were real, definitely real-- insoo had treated them himself and that was no work of any sort of makeup or deceit.

"so they abused you there." as much as it hurt, he forced himself to think logically. this was in line with one of his explanations he'd assumed-- that juwon was forced to be a 'traitor'.

he feels his friend pull away before the words hit. lying. don't deserve. insoo closes his eyes and for a moment wishes to be dreaming, wishes that he could open his eyes back up and in another world they'd be speaking of something else, and not something so heartbreaking.

"juwonnie," and maybe anyone else in insoo's position would immediately put a wall between them, ice out a self-proclaimed traitor but it's not in his nature, not when he knows juwon the way he does. "we were friends before, eating dirt whenever we tripped over our stubby little legs. i don't think our friendship was a lie or mission- was it?" insoo doesn't even know what sort of information juwon could've reported on from him, insoo only just became a senior recently and wasn't of much importance before then aside from treating injuries and healing. he was never a star player in the agency. he couldn't add the math of the image juwon was painting and the reality he knew and lived.

"i will be kind to you because you are my friend." he shuts that idea down immediately. until he gets to the end of things and makes a final decision, he wouldn't rob juwon of the comfort he obviously needed while confessing, despite him thinking he didn't deserve it.

embroidered sleeves

“i said you could sit, not sleep,” he’s not really annoyed, maybe even a little impressed with insoo’s audacity as he tucks himself into another man’s covers. seoyun just sighs, not really having the heart to complain too much. he likes to tease insoo, to act like he ‘hates’ him. in reality, he’s pretty sure he wouldn’t be alive without him. they shared the same recovery process, motivating and challenging each other to keep going. it’s a bond that seoyun can’t shake even if he thinks he’d like to sometimes. something will always be a little different between them, a little deeper than most friends. insoo wasn’t the only person who saw seoyun at his lowest point. but he was the only person to be by his side through all of it. not that they had much choice in the matter, but it doesn’t make a difference at this point.

insoo takes his hand. he seems to relax. seoyun wonders how long it’s been since anyone’s just done thing with him. just been there. not for healing, not for a team leader, just for a friend. maybe he’s guilty of not being there for him as much as he should have either.

“if it’s too much, take a step back before it crushes you,” seoyun doesn’t know if insoo wants advice or just a listening ear. but alarm bells are already ringing in his head. of course insoo would take losing a teammate to heart. of course he’d blame himself, feel like he could have done something better. seoyun knows all too well what that feels like. and the last thing he wants to see is his friend taking a swan dive off the roof when it all becomes too much. “i’m serious. you’re not letting them down if you step back to let someone else step up. talk to the head agents if you need to. it doesn’t have to be permanent either.” he idly strokes his thumb along the back of insoo’s hand, trying to soothe either him or himself, seoyun isn’t sure. maybe he’s projecting too much on the other. but he doesn’t think so. his situation wasn’t all that different. “i don’t want to see what happened to me happen to you.”

he doesn’t tell insoo not to worry about it. he doesn’t tell him to move on, to forget castle, that he was a demon anyway and a liability no matter what. no, even seoyun has more patience and understanding than that. he knows it’s not nearly that simple. he didn’t love geurim, not like that. but he cared for her. more than most, maybe. she had such potential. she was so young. he’s pretty sure he’ll never fully forgive himself for what happened to her. he can’t expect insoo to do that either over the things that haunt him.

“i’m sorry,” is all seoyun can say. because he is; he’s sorry that insoo is hurting like this. he’s sorry that he lost someone he loved (even if it was a fucking stupid person to love in the first place). he’s even sorry that he still can’t protect his friends from the things that hurt them, as impossible of a task as that is. seoyun sighs, mostly because he doesn’t know what else to do, and gives insoo’s hand the tiniest squeeze. he shouldn’t be alone right now, seoyun at least knows that much. “thank you for coming to me,” he makes sure insoo knows that he appreciates the situation, that he understands how opening up about these things is difficult at best, impossible at worst. “i’m sorry. i don’t have the words to help.”

nothing upsets his stomach more than thinking about taking a step back. there's no way he could do that right now, with all of what the agency is preparing to do. he was his team's leader but also their medic so it wouldn't be like he could take a step back entirely, people relied on him now. it was selfish but, it made him feel important and useful. "it's not a good time for that."

he tries to imagine what he'd be doing with more time freed up from his responsibilities and can't think of a single thing except hiding away in his room spiraling. this wasn't a feeling he was familiar with, at least recently. sure, when he'd been in recovery there were moments and likewise when he was alone after leaving his parents and inyoung. this wasn't insoo, this wasn't what he wanted to be. he shakes his head as seoyun goes on. in theory he knows this is what he should be doing; it was a definitive time, they were all leaving behind meia and moving on, it would stress him out even more to be going through the change and not having as much control as he does at this point. it shows how much he's changed over the years, really. insoo had been happy to go through the motions, do what was asked of him because it was easier to focus on everything that way- there was a comfort in the lack of control he had. it wasn't the same lack of control he found travelling outside the city for that period of time before meia, here he was told what to do and who to help and it was how he worked.

seoyun's pressure on his hand grounds him from where his mind was taking flight. it's embarrassing how nice it is to just relax and speak with someone. he imagined what it would be like to relax at night with someone he loved and the thought cracked a little more of whatever was holding his insides together.

the other agent's admission makes insoo sad in a different way, makes his heart hurt a little more. he remembers how the two of them were in recovery, remembered how seoyun was to an extent. "i know. i don't think it will, i'll be fine." he appreciates how considerate seoyun's being over everything.

there's no reason for his friend to apologize, insoo shakes his head again in a non-verbal complaint. he wasn't expecting seoyun to provide him all of the answers he's looking for in life, just his presence is doing everything. "thank you for not kicking me out.. and not kicking me out of the bed." he wiggles a little bit down to slide further under the covers, not wanting to continue on but knowing if he doesn't mention the other half of what's bothering him, he never will and will never get it off his chest. there's a liminal space that's been created between the two in seoyun's room, he feels like he can talk about it now despite how much it's been eating at him the whole time before making it to his room.

& believe me, i’m lost

breathing in and out in a concerted effort to remain calm, his heart racing as he tries to convince himself that telling insoo what his mission is, what he really is, is the correct step, he can feel himself shaking but it feels distant, like he can’t stop himself. the pain on his face is something he’s utterly incapable of masking in his emotionally battered state. he still feels like he’s swimming through molasses, trying to get past the loss of sieon, and so quickly, they’d replaced his best friend with someone else, a demon like the one that had killed sieon — 

he inhales shakily and his expression twists as insoo asks him if he is a traitor. juwon feels like he’s been shot in the stomach with how much guilt he feels, his arms wrapped around himself, hands gripping his arms so forcefully that he’s white-knuckled and probably leaving bruises on his skin. 

“i am,” he whispers in response, so soft it’s barely even audible, and his legs feel weak, like his legs won’t hold him up anymore. he’s trying to focus on his breathing, trying desperately hard not to panic as he unfolds the biggest secret he’s kept since coming to meia, and even then he cannot look up to meet insoo’s eyes. 

but then warmth envelops his hand as insoo pulls one of his hands forward, and juwon really does think his legs are going to give up on him in that moment, already wanting to cry from how kind insoo is being to him in that moment. he meets insoo’s eyes accidentally as he glances at the other, and looks away quickly, thinking that he won’t be able to get the words out if insoo is looking at him with those compassionate, kind eyes. 

“i… i was sent here by sra,” he confesses in a pained whisper. “i’m not… i’m not who i said i am.”

things shift slightly at juwon's confession. it confirms his fears and deepens his concern and confusion. he's not sure where to begin and he doesn't think asking things that will overwhelm juwon when he'd seem to put a lot of effort into just telling insoo about it at all is a good idea. insoo will let him speak on his own terms about any of the specifics but he does want to know what the situation is and how deep it goes.

"sit, come here." he says quietly, using the gentle grip he has on juwon's closed fist to bring him toward the bed. he doesn't think the other agent's legs will be able to hold him up much longer with how emotional he looks. insoo can't imagine the inner turmoil he's currently going through.

"sra..." his own breath hitches at that. there's not many other organizations working again meia, but it still surprises him and notches a little sliver of hurt in his chest. he doesn't allow it to grow, not until he allows juwon to explain himself, to explain why. "sra sent you here.. juwon, what does that mean?"

it felt like everything was falling apart around him. insoo was used to change, had learned to adapt as a kid because it was a necessity for survival. he'd learned to talk and make friends, learned to survive away from the city, learned to become independent when he'd had to leave his family behind in order to live, and learned to heal both himself and others. he was no stranger to change but the amount he was going through now felt like he was on a small plank in an angry river, not being able to see what was coming up ahead and not knowing if there was ever going to be a place to dock.

first it had been the personal losses with cheng and some others, then he'd dealt with the overall agency losses. his realizations concerning juwon had come not too long after, something clicking into place after the scare they'd had during the last big mission. god, he was just so exhausted, sleep never seemed enough to work through anything. the biggest thing to deal with now was the knowledge that had been placed in his care. there were spies in meia and they were closer than he had originally assumed. insoo wouldn't have expected it of his friend, but little things now made sense. he wouldn't worry too much since juwon had been easy to convince to speak to the head agents, nothing coming to head- no fighting. the only thing about it that stressed him was juwon's enforced radio silence until the move-- the move itself being a greater stress on him. he didn't want to leave the little home he'd made himself in his assigned room- he didn't want to go back to living on the move as he had with his parents, insoo had left that for a reason. it was out of his control, he told himself again, it was for the best and he trusted the head agents and their plan.

all of their duties were still scheduled until their departure so insoo found himself packing and bagging necessary supplies for each agent and bigger bags for the medics of each team. there was so much to do it was getting stressful, becoming a senior and leader had only added more responsibility to his plate and he had to learn to adjust to it. he wasn't expecting visitors and was even more surprised to see suhwan's familiar form when the sound of the doors opening reached him.

miajuwon​:

insoo pulls him forward, into an embrace that he hadn’t expected, and he shudders slightly before he lets himself sink into the warm embrace of his team leader, his arms coming up uncertainly to hug insoo back, even if the action is weak. insoo’s voice is worried and confused, and yet despite insoo being right in his line of sight as he glances downwards, he refuses to meet the other’s eyes, pulling away from the other’s freely given embrace. 

he doesn’t deserve insoo’s kind understanding, not when he’s been actively betraying the other’s trust. 

his lips quirk up at the corners into a smile without any actual amusement, wry and pained, his eyes flickering to insoo’s face and then away again. “nothing?” his voice is soft, “you can’t think of any kind of secret that would make you turn away from me, insoo?” his voice is tight with emotion, his humourless smile falling, despondency creeping onto his face instead. 

he’s silent for a long moment after that before he finally says, not meeting insoo’s eyes, his hands clenching and unclenching at his side, seemingly involuntarily, “… wouldn’t you hate me if i was a traitor?”

juwon pulling away from him feels wrong in ways insoo isn't sure how to interpret. it feels like the other is pulling away in more ways that just physically and it unsettles him. the resulting look on juwon's face that comes once he's far enough away that insoo can see causes the feeling of unrest, confusion, and sadness fight together within. he hates the changes the other's face is making-- anything that isn't a smile or the fierceness of fighting doesn't belong on his friend's features.

"juwon?" he asks after the cryptic question sent his way, after the long pause of silence before more is said.

the question shocks him. insoo knew the possibility of there being traitors in meia was very real, very likely, considering all that had happened recently with kaiser and the lot. he never would have expected anyone close to him being one though. he's not sure he even believes what juwon is implying. the juwon he knows is sweet and fierce and a great friend. the juwon he knows is going through so much after losing his best friend. the juwon he knows--

"so... are you a traitor then?" he gives him the benefit of the doubt, like he always had in the past. if juwon thinks he's a traitor, well, insoo isn't sure he has the same qualifications. there must be an explanation, must be some reason behind it all otherwise he wouldn't be confessing like this.

he raises his eyes to meet insoo’s immediately worried gaze, the other agent ushering him inside, and juwon can’t help but shiver slightly. something about insoo’s gaze makes him feel naked, completely seen, like there’s nothing he could say that could surprise the other. he doesn’t know why he gets that feeling from insoo, considering he’s almost certain the other doesn’t suspect him at all, despite having been the victim of one of his “spy schemes.”

his mind flickers back to the river block mission so many months ago, when he had given insoo such a difficult time, first with the deliberate injury that had been meant to distract the medic, and then with the unexpected demon attack that had almost proved to be fatal. it might have been, had insoo not been as good of a healer as he is. 

he feels bad for that now. 

he knows what it’s like to lose a friend, one very dear to him, and he’s sorry that he put insoo through that possibility at all. 

it’s one thing to lose someone to the world out there, like he had sieon. in the few moments when he can think logically about the situation, he knows that there was nothing either of them really could have done to prevent sieon from being attacked by the demon. but that mission? juwon had deliberately hurt himself and endangered both of them. 

“insoo,” he says after a long moment of silence, the tenderness in his team leader’s voice almost painful. he’d been happy to be with insoo on a team, especially with the other as a leader, but sad at the same time to leave the young twins and seb. suhwan and sieon had been a more than pleasant addition, but lately… his relationship with suhwan has been strained, while sieon… is gone. 

“insoo… i…” he swallows, his heart pounding and rushing in his ears. “if i told you… i was keeping a big secret… would you end me yourself…?”

as soon as his name is out of juwon's mouth, the other agent doesn't even need to answer him-- he knows something is wrong. insoo feels something settle untethered in the pit of his stomach.

"...end you?" insoo is terribly confused. what could juwon be hiding as a secret that would bring insoo to violence, let alone fatal violence. he doesn't afford juwon the ability to move away this time, no room to misunderstand. he pulls him into a hug, wrapping his arms around juwon's shoulders to attempt to ground him. eventually, he drops from the tips of his toes and lets his arms drop a little, not lessening their pressure on the other agent.

"juwonnie, what are you talking about?" the feeling in his gut worsens but he tries not to let anything but concern leak into his voice. the silence of his room now feels like a weight on him and he tries not to let the worry consume him. juwon's question on top of how he looks and everything else make insoo feel like he's not going to like the answer he receives.

sleep tugs at his eyelids,, tickles his eyes until they burn and he wants nothing more than to close them. he’s already a terrible host for not greeting insoo at the door to invite him in; he’s trying very hard not to be a total asshole by snoring when his fellow medic comes to him for… what is he here for? seoyun, as reluctant as he is to give up the comfy spot he just made for himself, sits up as insoo enters the apartment. he groans, still regretting not getting a nap in earlier. he doesn’t know when he’s gonna get one now.

“okay,” insoo speaks and seoyun can’t help but worry. he looks… off. a little distant, confused… maybe hurt? he squints his eyes as if that will help him read the other man better, but seoyun has never been the best at telling these sorts of things. “well, i’m here. not asleep. not going anywhere. what’s going on?”

insoo doesn’t answer him. he just asks to stay on the ground, and seoyun shakes his head in response. “you can sit on the bed if you want,” he offers, internally still lamenting the loss of his nap. “it’s clean. and it doesn’t seem like i’m gonna fall asleep now.” if insoo’s upset, he may as well be comfortable while doing so. it’s not like seoyun can offer him any good words of advice, but he can at least offer him a comfortable seat and a listening ear.

the apartment is quiet. seoyun isn’t sure if he should ask insoo if he wants to talk, or just let the silence sit around them until he decides to open up himself. he decides on the latter, remembering days in hospital beds where neither of them were in any condition to bicker as much as they do now. he remembers the quiet, how it had been comforting to know that he wasn’t suffering alone even though no one said anything. so he waits for insoo, untucking one hand from his nest of blankets to offer to hold. if he wants to, if it helps.

insoo can't pull his eyes away from the floor for a good moment. in their field of work, it's hard to find time to sleep-- at least for insoo. being a medic means making sure the labs are stocked with what they need in case of emergency, keeping go bags ready and fresh for missions, also training with other things, and now both of them are senior agents. insoo doubts seoyun gets much more sleep than he does, willingly or not-- and now he's infringing on his time, his words making him want to walk right back out and give seoyun his time back.

the bed is much comfier than where he was planning to sit on the floor. as much as he wants to get himself low to the floor in an attempt to hide himself from everything happening like chaos inside of him, he knows the closer he is to his friend the better it would probably make him feel.

he tucks himself under the covers; if seoyun is already offering up his bed, insoo might as well stay warm. his hands have a mind of their own and immediately clutch at the edge of the blanket, trying to ground him. he's not really sure what to say in the silence of the room, or if he should at all. cheng has been gone for a while, it was old news to everyone it seemed except insoo. the new development of how he felt about one of his friends didn't concern anyone else, should be something he should either handle or live with by himself. he knew seoyun could relate to the pressures of being upped to a senior agent and losing someone under him- but was that something insoo should even bring up if it might be a sore spot?

a hand is presented to him, cutting his thoughts off where they disperse. just the knowledge that seoyun is making an effort to comfort him has him choking up a little. it's been a while since he'd just been able to touch someone without having to heal them, lift them, or spar with them. seoyun's hand is warm and almost immediately insoo lets himself relax where he's propped up against the headboard.

"i feel so overwhelmed lately. there's so much that has happened, is happening, and i feel like i can't keep up anymore." he doesn't want to seem ungrateful for the promotion to senior-- he very much appreciates the fact that he can keep a more permanent eye on his team as leader. it's not even so much the new responsibilities than it is that he's felt off-kilter ever since he'd started letting his emotions seep in instead of brushing them off to focus on work.

he’s tired. it’s not the old bones-deep tired that he sometimes gets, the one that turns the blankets on his bed into weighted shackles and keeps him bound there for who knows how long until he finds the strength to break through them. it’s still a mental tired though. sure, his muscles are a little sore from training whenever he can, trying not to lose what combat skills he still has; from working on his feet all day as a medic and all of the emotional and physical stress that comes with putting injured agents back together. none of that is why he isolates himself now, though. that’s normal, that’s routine. sometimes he’d even say that he looks forward to it.

no, instead, the head agents have burdened him with the great exhaustion called knowledge. he closes his eyes and he sees her, the stranger from grand heights, with her white eye, her demon marks. he hears her voice as she identifies kaiser as the same scientist who betrayed her agency. he remembers her thrash and scream as she tries to protect her agency, her friends, from the confines of a hospital bed hidden in a secret room of the meia complex.

seoyun is plenty good at keeping secrets. he just doesn’t like that he has to. he only has sebastian to talk to about this after all, and he’s not really sure what to even talk about.

so he’d really like to be taking a long nap to try to forget about his reality as much as possible. he’d be unconscious by now if there wasn’t constantly something that needs his attention. every time he gets comfortable it’s something new; a message from a baby medic asking where to find something, someone running down the hall and startling seoyun into investigating, an alert on his communicator that he always has to check, just in case it’s the head agents calling him back for any reason.

he’s about to doze off again when there’s new knocking at his door. seoyun lets out a frustrated groan. can no one let him have any peace? even for a quick twenty minute rest?? he recognizes insoo’s voice a moment later and he has way more than half a mind to just ignore him; at least insoo is someone he can safely ignore. he’s halfway through tapping out a ‘go away’ into his communicator when he recognizes something unusual in insoo’s voice. a different note, a tone that’s not usually there. this is something serious. seoyun doesn’t know what, but he knows that he has to go open that goddamn door.

‘just come in, it’s unlocked.’ he taps into his communicator to the other medic. he can’t be bothered to ruin the comfy position he’s finally settled himself into, but he supposes that he would be a terrible friend if he left insoo completely stranded in his moment of need.

"thanks.." he says quietly. insoo had been ready to walk away as soon as he spoke outside seoyun's door but the alert at his wrist had come so soon afterwards that there was no guessing seoyun had been awake still.

the room is quiet and insoo tries not to let his eyes linger and invade his friend's privacy. his words feel caught in his throat and he knows it's due to the lingering embarrassment and need to lock away his problems so they're not pushed onto others. seoyun's in bed, confirming he was either going to nap or just woke up from one. it makes him second-guess himself once more, not wanting to actually bother him further than the teasing they usually throw at each other-- or more seoyun throws at him.

"just kind of need to be around someone right now," he lets out, his voice seeming a million times louder after the door softly shuts behind him and the silence settles in, just the whirring of the venting system audible. "mind if i just," he gestures at the space on the ground, "sit here for a bit?" 

[...]

   so imagine his surprise when while making a trip around the area he actually comes across the spiderman. doyun barely managed to keep himself glued to the wall when the hero spoke to him. 

    “oh–uh..” he coughs, trying to deepen his voice a little as he shuffles down the wall to be partly in the light. his red jump suit feeling kind of lame now. but he tries to have confidence and pretend he has even a slightly good grasp at what he’s doing here. he has no idea but confidence is going to be work, right? 

    “i’m uh… friendly?” he questions and then shakes his head.”im friendly! just uh, hanging around?” bad joke, doyun.  

perhaps laughing was top on the list of things he shouldn't do when nursing a minor impalement wound, but it was definitely the new kid's fault for being funny. it wasn't often that insoo had casual company during the night shift, less often that it was someone with a similar sense of humour. the criminals he faced tended to have him cringing at their key phrases, laughing in second-hand embarrassment not because they were comedians in their day jobs.

he groaned lowly and held his side, which was probably a bad idea to show any weakness in front of someone new. with a quick once-over, insoo deduced a similar kid in a red jumpsuit probably wouldn't give him too much trouble if he needed to defend himself so he relaxed a little.

"just hanging around..." he shakes his head and laughs again before pulling his mask off and  sticking out his hand for the other to shake or whatever. "insoo, spiderman, nice to meet you."

insoo felt embarrassed, uncomfortable, itchy. it wasn't like him to seek out others to talk about things bothering him, preferring to be that for others. as much as seoyun was his friend, despite their push and tug dynamic, he wasn't one insoo would go to for this kind of talk.

it'd been four months since cheng disappeared, taking with him a little piece of insoo's stability. cheng had been one of his closest childhood friends before his family stole insoo away in the dark of the night. xiao cheng had evolved into his first crush, first established love, a piece of his past and was quickly becoming a pillar of his future. insoo thought by this point he'd have moved on; there were way too many things now that required his attention and focus.

he wasn't used to letting his emotions affect him. it had been a long time since he'd hardened himself to it. they were still there, he still processed them and acknowledged them, but it was easy to box them up and label as dealt with without letting them affect his day. now he found himself overwhelmed almost once a day with the breadth of his emotions-- over what happened with cheng, his new realizations surrounding juwon, his new responsibilities and everything that was happening in the agency.

seoyun's door was closed but insoo had a feeling he was in there. when seoyun wasn't around working he was usually in his own quarters, insoo just hoped he wasn't dead asleep. his first knock was hesitant, he felt bad even with the potential of bothering someone else with this but it felt like there was a balloon in his chest that had a steady stream of helium being pumped into it-- threatening to pull him off the ground and burst into a million small pieces. if seoyun didn't answer maybe he could go to someone else but he would feel even worse putting any of his worries on the younger agents, wouldn't even entertain the idea, and knew the older agents were too busy for menial things like this.

there's bags under his eyes now. insoo wouldn't describe himself as vain; he doesn't care much about his appearance further than looking presentable enough for his classes and club meetings. he has first years looking up to him now that he's been named prefect and they're impressionable. he should set a good example and look proper but, there's not much he can do about the lasting effects of little to no sleep. he hadn't wanted to be appointed prefect, knowing his family would see it as a further stain on his reputation as a pure-blooded wizard of a somewhat highborn family. he hadn't wanted it but, couldn't refuse-- he didn't care that he wasn't a slytherin, he'd make his own way in the world. his brother wouldn't have even heard anyways; insoo didn't have a clue where he currently was, on the search for their parents still, and he wouldn't know until the next postcard.

having prefect duties on top of the familial stress was wearing down on him. it didn't help that, in the moments he stole away for himself at night under the moonlight's beams shining through the astronomy tower, he'd come to the realization that he was falling down a dark and slippery path-- love.

love was probably too strong of a word for his age and strength of feelings, but there was no other describing the twisting in the pit of his stomach every time he saw his close friend sit at a random place at the slytherin tables in the great hall. they'd usually sit at the same level so insoo could turn easily and discuss whatever fun new thing he'd learned or whatever news juwon had to share. insoo could listen to juwon talk for ages and never get bored, never think to himself he would be better doing something elsewhere than sit and listen to his smooth voice. the breadth of his feelings terrified him. it was one thing to write home letting half, the remaining half at least, know you haven't been sorted into the family house-- it was another thing to have a heart that soared for a fellow wizard. it was terrifying having these feelings for someone he considered his best friend, one that currently seemed like he was avoiding him.

insoo had no idea past two weeks or so ago when he first came to realization, so had he been obvious in his affections for longer than that? had his gaze remained too steady, too long, for juwon's comfort? was it something else entirely that insoo had done to push the boy away? he'd noticed the distance between the two close to a week past, holding himself back from chasing juwon, from being too obvious. he had so much to deal with aside from this blooming devil's snare in his chest, so did juwon. it was safer to give him space, he obviously wanted some.

the city is flooded with the moon's gentle touch. her beams touch everything she can reach and what she can't is draped in darkness. the moon is an old friend of insoo's, she's kept him company on many long nights, on many lonely nights. when his aunt is out for a late shift and it's too late to contact the few friends that put up with him. the moon's there every night without fail.

the shadows is where insoo usually finds himself-- hidden away where the public can't see him. he's the city's little secret, whether they know it themselves or not. he doesn't look for recognition, is happy helping the city in any way he can. he'd grown up here; every scrape and bruise he'd gotten as a kid was from the streets below him, every bit of kindness he'd received was from the neighbours in the complex he'd lived in since as long as he could remember. this was city, and he'd always protect it.

insoo would protect this city as much as he could, even if he was protecting the same people who shoved metal bars through his stomach.

removing the bar was an experience he wouldn't like to ever repeat in the future, even though he was successful in the process. honestly insoo was more worried about the bleeding than he was about any internal injuries. his healing would work itself out, meaning as long as he staunched the bleeding he'd be okay in about 30 mins or less, which was a better promise than any of the pizzerias in the area that spouted the same bullshit.

the new silk he'd been experimenting with to supplement his natural spidey-webs was made with a cooling effect and better adherence. as much as he was grateful for what nature (read: radioactive spider altered in the god forsaken lab down the road that belonged to one of his arch nemesis) granted him in his abilities, the synthetic silk was better for healing and some other shit he had to inevitably use it on. the natural was better for swinging on.

he wasn't expecting to run into anyone else in the shadows of the alley he was lurking in, biding his time to heal. he surely wasn't expecting to run into another enhanced kid, and even less someone with similar abilities to him. insoo immediately recognized the familiar silk and squinted at the figure that appeared in his area. he'd run into a few similar kids to him in the past but they usually ran in different circles and didn't exactly cross paths often. they all lived kind of far out and insoo tended to stay where it was familiar so he'd lessen the chance of whacking himself into a wall because he didn't know the corners of the city and couldn't calculate his trajectory fast enough to account for the delays of the webbing.

his spidey-sense weren't screaming danger, which allowed his shoulders to relax-- he wouldn't have to fight anyone with a hole in his side. of course it was already taken care of and webbed, but still-- ouchy.

it's no surprise to find jina at jinseo's side again. insoo's not entirely sure she even left, not that he blames her. his brother had been severely injured once and it was one of the scariest moments of his life. nothing could prepare him of the intense sickness he felt at seeing his brother fall unconcious, red staining the dead grass patches. insoo was the one to patch him up, using his knowledge from the books he'd read during their time outside the city. his parents had helped with what they could, but it was ultimately up to him to staunch the bleeding and keep him alive. the period of time after that incident was tense. insoo could barely sleep in fear of his brother slipping from his grasp, the dreams he was plagued with when he did fall asleep weren't any better. he wouldn't leave his side for anything, the worry that as soon as he did he'd miss something. it was a terrifying experience and not one he'd wish on anyone, nor would he want to deal with ever again-- and yet here he was.

jina had that same look on her face, insoo could see himself in her. the mission had hit many of them in different ways, his friends were set up in a makeshift medic ward, their loved ones glued to their sides when they were allowed. he wasn't entirely sure how the other medic agents still up and running were dealing with visitors, but insoo didn't have the heart to tell jina to leave. she wasn't in the way and kind of did him a favour keeping an eye on the group of injured agents while he tended to other stuff at the small setup in the corner.