miajuwon:
& believe me, i’m lost
insoo’s flat statement sends a pulse of shock and surprise through him. physically, he flinches, though the outward expression doesn’t reflect how much the words catch him off guard. abuse? he hadn’t been abused. the word makes him want to recoil and he doesn’t think that whatever sra had trained them to endure should count as abuse.
(but in this case, juwon is an entirely unreliable narrator. there’s no doubt about what he’d gone through at the hands of not only sra, but his parents, and the sheer fact of the matter is that juwon is already past the point of understanding abuse from a logical perspective.)
“no, they… it wasn’t abuse. it was training.” he defends with a surprising amount of vigour in his tone, his eyebrows furrowing together slightly. “it’s not… it wasn’t like that… i chose… i was proud when they picked me,” he confesses in a rush of words that makes it sound like he’s barely convinced himself.
but he is proud — had been proud, hadn’t he?
insoo questions if their friendship had been a lie, a mission, and juwon can’t help the twist of pain as he tries to think. maybe at the beginning, getting close to insoo had been a way to rekindle old friendships and work his way into the trust of those already trusted by meia, but a bigger part of juwon is telling him to tell the truth. the fondness he’d developed for insoo? that had all been real. that’s why he’s here, after all, telling insoo the truth that he’s hidden for almost a year now. because deep down, maybe he does believe that their friendship is strong enough for this.
“no, n-no,” he stammers out, his expression pained as he swallows, his adam’s apple bobbing in his throat. “at first… at first, yes… when i came back… but not after. not recently…” the words seem like they’re physically being ripped out of him with the pained expression on his face, even if he means every word.
insoo shuts down his attempt at trying to push the other away so quickly that it almost makes his head spin, and his lips part wordlessly in a protest that he never gets the chance to vocalize. “but,” he starts before his voice fades, not knowing what else to say in the face of insoo’s firm denial.
shaking his head slightly, he mumbles, “i barely… it’s not easy…” he mumbles and his lips press together as he lifts his head slightly. “i was doing the right thing,” he says with conviction, although his expression falters afterwards. “… or i thought i was. i just…” here, his voice goes very quiet, his shoulders slumping once more. “i wanted to make my parents happy again.”
insoo feels guilty asking even a single thing of juwon in their situation but it would be irresponsible to take it all at face value; both as an agent and juwon's friend.
if he was more strict on himself and others maybe he could've took juwon's admission as it was- dragged him down to the head agents and turn him over as a traitor. in all of insoo's short yet long-feeling life, he'd learned that things were never so clean cut and he'd never be able to make good decisions if he took things as they were.
he calms himself through a long breath, careful not to let it go too deep and make it seem like he's annoyed with the other or angry at anything other than the situation they're in. "juwon," he gently grabs juwon's arms, squeezing slightly. "do they train you like that here, do i ever train like that?" it's rhetorical, he's watched the trainings of others for various reasons- knows nothing wrong happens during them. it's sad that juwon was proud of being picked for something like that, of anything at sra, but it just feeds into the picture that he was manipulated. insoo knows what it feels like to be brainwashed-- not to the extent of his friend; he'd followed his parents, did what they said at first and thought it was the right idea based on the information they fed him, the ideals. they'd said it was the right way, that it was safer and those congregating together were a target and would never survive in the current climate. insoo went along with it because he had to, a kid at the time and because he only knew to follow his family. he can see the signs in juwon now that things are falling together.
it hurts him a little to hear that juwon had ulterior motives when he returned, but he trusts him too much to be turned away by the words. that was then and as long as their friendship was real after, despite how it came to be, then he would swallow the painful catch in his throat and move forwards; that wasn't important now anyway, not with everything happening. insoo's feelings weren't important now.
he watches the emotional journey that happens on juwon's face as he continues justifying it to himself. insoo can only say so much to him to coax out the truth and knows only by himself and with time that juwon can realize it all-- and maybe he had already considering he told insoo in the first place, wouldn't that count as a first step in realizing it all wasn't right?
"i believe you," he matches the volume of the room, quiet and soft. "i believe you thought you were doing the right thing." he slides his hands around again to hug him, light enough so juwon can push him off if needed. "but can you see now, that it never was?"
he can understand wanting to impress and make his parents happy- but this wasn't the answer and if it was for them then they were some sort of monsters. insoo couldn't imagine condoning something so dangerous for his own son. juwon could've been found at any moment and what would meia have done if it was during something crucial and what would sra have done if he failed whatever he was sent here to do. insoo's thoughts were racing far beyond what he could process.
"juwonnie, why are you telling me this now?" he hates to ask the other even more now when it's clear he's struggling in his own way, but insoo has his own worries and if he didn't know the whole picture how could he protect him.
"i think we should tell the head agents," he pets the back of juwon's head with one hand, the other still across his shoulders in a hug. "together." he tries to put all of his thoughts together to make it easier to speak. "i think it will cause less trouble, and i can fight on your behalf in a controlled environment. if you're telling me this now, it makes sense for them to know right?"








