Mike Fotis Food

Good news, now you can. Because of the awful fork of guilt.  We can only hope that next year's model will have a built in shame alarm. 

Classy Cheese and Wine Times

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Smelt Fries? What?!

Thank You, Pizzazz Pizza Oven. You're the BEZZT.

Obviously, I love cooking. But every once in a while I find myself at home on a Saturday night for an evening of watching documentaries (you should see Winnebago Man. If you're an actor, you'll probably relate to the poor guy), drinking beer (I had 1 mini Budweiser, but felt like an alcoholic for drinking alone and switched to tea), and the ever lingering feeling that my life has already hit upon its interesting points and that the slide into nothingness and failure actually began years ago but I was too stupid to see it. On nights like this, I much prefer a frozen pizza to the idea of actually putting effort into a meal that will probably turn out shitty anyway. Fuck my life, I'm going to die alone, yadda yadda yadda.

Luckily I own a Pizzazz Pizza Oven. It takes a frozen pizza and somehow transforms it into a frozen pizza that tastes...okayish. Here's how you use it. 

Put the Pizzazz Pizza Oven on a stable surface. Remember, the floor DOES count. 

Spend about an hour trying to position the rotating pan on a tiny needle. This has to be done correctly. If it's not, the tray won't spin and about 1/8th of the pizza will be cooked. 

Put the pizza onto the spinning tray. Take pizza out of box first. 

Set the timer and let the Pizzazz Pizza Oven do its thing. Sit down with your mini bud, grab a pen and notebook and begin writing "why?" over and over again. You won't feel any better, but writing one word over and over again feels much more productive than sitting and staring at wall while images of your well adjusted friends with families and futures dance across it. 

Check on the pizza once the timer goes off. 

At this point, the pizza will look delicious. 

Wait at least ten minutes. Unless you want to explain to the doctor at Urgent Care that the roof of your mouth is scorched to shit because you lack impulse control. Do you want that? Do you want to be an anecdote at a fancy doctor party?  

Slice the pizza.

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I never went to the old Muddy Waters when it was a coffee shop. Well, that's not true, I went once, it was raining buckets and I was furiously trying to finish a piece I was writing for a flash fiction contest ( I didn't win. Shocker) so I don't remember the experience all that well aside from the crazy hot girl with the arm sleeve tattoos and eyes that screamed "don't talk to me".

Anyway, I have been to the new Muddy Waters twice already and both times I have won the sandwich lottery. On my first trip, I had a shrimp po' boy that tasted like angel spit, which of course is a good thing. I have no idea if the sandwich was an authentic po' boy but I do know that I couldn't possibly give less of a fuck.

Why Am I A Fat Piece Of Shit?

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Oh Chipotle...

What Did People Eat During The Superbowl?

Bingo!

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I'm in Charlotte, NC so naturally I went out for some BBQ and naturally I way over did it. Half a smoked chicken, a huge slab of ribs and a heaping helping of pulled pork for good measure. I'm a disgusting, fat piece of crap and I couldn't be happier. Thanks Sticky Fingers! You were delicious!

Aside from that. Charlotte's a little chillier than I thought it would be. The rest of what I know about Charlotte comes courtesy of my airport shuttle driver. Enjoy.

A detailed rendering of the plane that I was in on my way to Charlotte, NC. Admit it, I'm getting so good at photoshop, that it's actually kind of scary. Incidentally, during the flight I saw another commercial jet flying in the opposite direction of my plane. Neat. It was this first time this has ever happened to me, and i was finally given a perspective on how fast these aluminum tylenol capsules actually fly. Perhaps even more neat was the generosity of my flight attendant who gave me way more peanuts and cookies than she should have. It was the first positive Delta experience I've ever had.

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Top Ten Things In Your Kitchen That Can Kill You. #7

Think about it, somewhere within the depths of your kitchen lies a device that is meant to cook your foods at unbelievably fast rates of speed. It does this by (add science). That's fucked up. If it can explode a hot dog, imagine what it can do to you. Here are a few tips that you can use if you want to use your microwave and...LIVE!

1. Don't use it.

2. If you choose to use your microwave, at least wait for the damn thing to beep the prerequisite amount of times your brand and model is supposed to beep before opening up the microwave door. Those beeps are there for a reason, idiot.  Worst case scenario: one day you're on your way to work and you explode for no reason. All of the atoms in your body will have been jostled and bopped by radiation to the point of no return. First, you'll feel a tickle. Then you'll feel nothing, because you'll no longer exist. You'll be pink mist.

3. Use a microwave that isn't a first edition. The microwave I use sits on top of my refrigerator. It's at least 20 years old and looks like it weighs just a little less than an 84' Chevy Impala.  I would replace it but I can't because my fridge sits in an alcove in my kitchen that was designed to hold exactly one refrigerator. If I want to replace my microwave, I'll need to replace my kitchen. Demolition will be the only option. Seriously, how the f$ck did the previous owner of my house get that thing in there? There are many possibilities, but the most likely one is magic. What's not magic is the Chernobyl like levels of radiation that seep into my body every time I use that damn thing.

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