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I’m confident posting this because I know that probably no one will see this.

I hate when people call me pretty. This might not be a popular opinion, but I do feel this way. Not up for argument. It’s the simultaneous rush of so many emotions that come and hit, all of them leaving a bitter taste. The compliment happens and immediately I’m left scrambling for a way to reply while feeling tired, lied to and scared, which to my understanding is not how someone should feel after receiving a compliment.

How does somebody reply to that? “Thank, you too” is offensive if the other person doesn’t want to be pretty (don’t offend anyone’s manliness). “You really think so” sounds like you’re fishing for a compliment or validation. “Oh I know” and any other derivative sounds rude and beyond over confident, even when said jokingly. Silence or the refusal to acknowledge is also not an ok response and can offend the other person. A genuine thank you can completely stop the conversation.

It wears me out. Is there an ulterior motive? Am I being lied to? I was never “pretty” growing up. When did that change? My family and friends spent a lot of time telling me that I needed to learn to be more feminine. The result is I don’t feel comfortable in dresses. Doing anything with my hair or my makeup feels like a total absolute chore, and why bother? I was always told I was not skinny enough, not sweet enough, and not pretty enough to find a husband or a partner.

When I was complimented it was to manipulate. The derisive comments that came after when no one thought I was listening hurt worse and destroyed trust. Why bother if you don’t mean it?

However. When receiving this compliment, especially from a guy, I inherently flinch. Because somewhere those words mean that I surrender my personal space and my body. Simply because you found me attractive, I now have to try to avoid being touched. Allowing it doesn’t make it go away faster. Confronting about it makes them angry or defensive and when they attack it’s worse. Putting literally no effort in to my appearance doesn’t save me from this either, but on the rare occasions I do something to my appearance on the days when I do feel pretty I run the risk of getting accosted. Which does not encourage me to do it again. My body became fair game simply because someone saw something they liked and wanted to touch it. In that moment I lost my humanity and any rights I might have had. People don’t give their toys rights. Where does this encourage me to accept your compliment?

And it isn’t a one or two person thing. It’s a problem rampant through our society now, made worse by the fact that no one seems to directly see it. It’s completely taken for granted and if any attention is brought to it the blowback has a collateral of seeming ungrateful for the compliment. The victim is shamed for not being grateful for the fact that someone bestowed their attention on them. “If only I was so lucky” and “they never see me that way” are hurtful. I never wanted to be a toy or a piece of meat.

All of this leaves a horrible amount of confusion that is built on the original inherent feeling that I am NOT pretty, and arguing with me is not likely to change this. I’ve had almost my entire life of being told I’m not. The chances of someone fixing that in an off handed conversation are slim, and it’s an issue I’ve been trying to address mentally for years. On top of that foundation though is the constant question of “are you lying” and “why are you saying this”.