Melinoë Laboratories

SCP-682's powers are metatextual. He's unkillable because the story says he is nearly unkillable and no solution would be satisfying. His nickname is 'the very hard to destroy reptile' for rigour's sake. You don't have to be Grant Morrison to put this together.

The solution is to alter the narrative so that there is a means of killing him that is satisfying. Unfortunately, only full-on apocalypse scenarios or the use of SCP-682 as a jobber for an even worse threat would fill that criteria.

So unless you want to unleash something even more tiresome, like the Black Moon or the Scarlet King or the Yellow Submarine or whatever other color-coded doomsday monster you have on tap, you're just wasting jumpsuit filling doing anything at all.

The easy alternative is to simply stop trying to kill him.

Just focus on holding him in the most boring, routine ways possible, rendering him increasingly less interesting and thus reducing the time between stories focused on him and thus, the resulting breaches and disasters.

Or you can do what we did. If you aren't chicken.

Ours wasn't a rotted lizard. It was a sort of mummified horse the size of a 1996 Volkswagen Harlequin, and it was a she, but otherwise same deal. Regeneration. Vat of acid. Mass casualties. Violent opposition to the use of breath mints. Endemic to all life. Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.

We figured out the how it worked, and we speed-ran the whole concept, hurling that vile beast through a veritable plinko-fall of thousands of extermination tests and controlled rampages until there was literally nothing left to do with the 'More-Than-One-Way-to-Fail-to-Kill-a Horse'.

And we trust the populace enough to not lie to them for 'their own good'. Because its funny? Sure. Profitable? Absolutely (don't worry, shareholders!)! But never for 'their own good.'

So we turned those experiments into a 17 season reality television program hosted by Greg Kinnear and force-fed them to a sludge-hungry populace.

There were 'More-Than-One-Way-to-Fail-to-Kill-a Horse' calendars, coffee mugs, t-shirts, two different animated spin-offs running at the same time for some reason, four movies starring Chris Pratt as the voice of the horse, an ongoing sketch on Late Night with Conan O'Brien, 'More-Than-One-Way-to-Fail-to-Kill-a Horse' "acid bath" sour candy flavored yogurt in a tube, a series of increasingly inadequately playtested gameboy cartridges, a 27-issue limited series from Image comics, and adorable plush mummified murder-horse plushes with little suction cups on their red-felt hooves so they can stare balefully out the back of your station wagon at that ASSHOLE Kevin in his souped up Trans AM who does not understand the concept of a safe following distance, and you JUST want to run him off the road with the magno-lifters and recreate the scene from Lost Highway with Robert Loggia, but "you can't use the magno-lifters for revenge" because it's "against OSHA regulations" and "technically assault!"

And once the first shipment of 'More-Than-One-Way-to-Fail-to-Kill-a Horse' Funko Pops hit store shelves, the creature's cultural cache cratered so hard that it became a parody of itself so predictable it's "containment" is now a Universal Studios attraction with two failed executions and a containment breach each night, with double shows on Saturdays.

Now, it was a rocky ride getting there, especially for Utah (projections say you'll get those House seats back in two, maybe three, generations at most, don't you worry!) but we've proven that even if it isn't killable, you can, in fact, beat a dead horse.

Hope this helps.

We greatly respect the work and dedication of the SPC. Their less reputable parallel-dimension cousins could learn a lot from them about how to run an extreme sciences foundation.

That said, we will be walking away from the intrauniversal/intramural softball match this time, both as the winners and in general, now that our mascot is Breachy the Anomalous Amalocaris and not Marie Chompie, the Glow-in-the-Dark Science Shark.

SCP-682's powers are metatextual. He's unkillable because the story says he is nearly unkillable and no solution would be satisfying. His nickname is 'the very hard to destroy reptile' for rigour's sake. You don't have to be Grant Morrison to put this together.

The solution is to alter the narrative so that there is a means of killing him that is satisfying. Unfortunately, only full-on apocalypse scenarios or the use of SCP-682 as a jobber for an even worse threat would fill that criteria.

So unless you want to unleash something even more tiresome, like the Black Moon or the Scarlet King or the Yellow Submarine or whatever other color-coded doomsday monster you have on tap, you're just wasting jumpsuit filling doing anything at all.

The easy alternative is to simply stop trying to kill him.

Just focus on holding him in the most boring, routine ways possible, rendering him increasingly less interesting and thus reducing the time between stories focused on him and thus, the resulting breaches and disasters.

Or you can do what we did. If you aren't chicken.

Ours wasn't a rotted lizard. It was a sort of mummified horse the size of a 1996 Volkswagen Harlequin, and it was a she, but otherwise same deal. Regeneration. Vat of acid. Mass casualties. Violent opposition to the use of breath mints. Endemic to all life. Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.

We figured out the how it worked, and we speed-ran the whole concept, hurling that vile beast through a veritable plinko-fall of thousands of extermination tests and controlled rampages until there was literally nothing left to do with the 'More-Than-One-Way-to-Fail-to-Kill-a Horse'.

And we trust the populace enough to not lie to them for 'their own good'. Because its funny? Sure. Profitable? Absolutely (don't worry, shareholders!)! But never for 'their own good.'

So we turned those experiments into a 17 season reality television program hosted by Greg Kinnear and force-fed them to a sludge-hungry populace.

There were 'More-Than-One-Way-to-Fail-to-Kill-a Horse' calendars, coffee mugs, t-shirts, two different animated spin-offs running at the same time for some reason, four movies starring Chris Pratt as the voice of the horse, an ongoing sketch on Late Night with Conan O'Brien, 'More-Than-One-Way-to-Fail-to-Kill-a Horse' "acid bath" sour candy flavored yogurt in a tube, a series of increasingly inadequately playtested gameboy cartridges, a 27-issue limited series from Image comics, and adorable plush mummified murder-horse plushes with little suction cups on their red-felt hooves so they can stare balefully out the back of your station wagon at that ASSHOLE Kevin in his souped up Trans AM who does not understand the concept of a safe following distance, and you JUST want to run him off the road with the magno-lifters and recreate the scene from Lost Highway with Robert Loggia, but "you can't use the magno-lifters for revenge" because it's "against OSHA regulations" and "technically assault!"

And once the first shipment of 'More-Than-One-Way-to-Fail-to-Kill-a Horse' Funko Pops hit store shelves, the creature's cultural cache cratered so hard that it became a parody of itself so predictable it's "containment" is now a Universal Studios attraction with two failed executions and a containment breach each night, with double shows on Saturdays.

Now, it was a rocky ride getting there, especially for Utah (projections say you'll get those House seats back in two, maybe three, generations at most, don't you worry!) but we've proven that even if it isn't killable, you can, in fact, beat a dead horse.

Hope this helps.

We greatly respect the work and dedication of the SPC. Their less reputable parallel-dimension cousins could learn a lot from them about how to run an extreme sciences foundation.

That said, we will be walking away from the intrauniversal/intramural softball match this time, both as the winners and in general, now that our mascot is Breachy the Anomalous Amalocaris and not Marie Chompie, the Glow-in-the-Dark Science Shark.

“And we loved it, we were all having a great time, but then he saw my sister and I, and he just got this - this look in his eyes, and then-”

She hesitated, worrying the coarse material between her fingers. “Things got pretty bad after that,” she muttered. “I know it’s silly, but I try to keep - her - comfortable. We don’t know if she can still hear us, or see us, or if she’s even still in here, but I like to think she is. I talk to her when I can, I leave music on when I’m out of the house. I tried to convince my parents to bring her with us when we went to Disneyland, but they didn’t - didn’t really take that well.”

"oh but we'll be left powerless too-" Fie!

That's why you cast filthy-pillow-case-full-of-doorknobs before you tun on the belts. There was a whole training module on it. Which you'd have if you'd bought the belts.

OP, you're welcome to to use our Quantum Prefixer to 'detwine' your sibling, but we're not sure if that will work without the Suffixer to add a 'd' onto the end. Make an appointment with Janice if you want to try. We can also sell you a zone-of-silence-belt at a reasonable price*.

We were going to buy the Suffixer with the gold from selling zone-of-silence belts to the Wizard Council, but that's off the table apparently.

Humbert, Outreach Liaison, Melinoë Laboratories Cautio est pro argentariis

(that's a motto, not a spell, just in case the wizards council got/remained confused.)

Alright, guys, settle a bet here.

Howard in Practical Theology says that eating an Olympian or Æsir is cannibalism, but everybody in Applied Genetics and the cafeteria staff disagree strongly.

So-

Clarification: Bread doesn't count, we're talking the full grill master here.

Hope this helps (us)!

Our feeling on this are expanded upon in the incident report from Operation MultiMary, which you can listen to while we respond to Doctors @animatedamerican and @melannen's peer review:

The parameters of the question should make it clear that we're talking about class D variable-corporeal humanoid deities and class F human-chimerical deities, and their adjacent self-iterative servitors and demigods.

We specifically call out the Olypmpians (with titans implied) and the Æsir (with Vanir and Frost Giants implied) , for rigour's sake!

Moreover, we're very clear to point out that bread doesn't count! And you know WHY?!?

Because we've tested transubstantiation already and every time we've cloned a sample, since nineteen-seventy-bunking-six, you know what we get?

Herring.

Not even magic herring, just regular old herring. emmelichthys nitidus, and sickly ones at that. Most of them are still 7-12% wheat on a cellular level. Even our tele-transpositioner only has an error rate of 2%, and we're (allegedly) naught but meat and silicon.

So whoever is pullin' the o'l switcheroo has switched to a cheaper protein substitute and is skimping on their transdimensional-displacement budget to boot.

Which is fine. Legal wants me to make it clear we don't take it personally.

Not as if it slows us down any. We shake the old man's tree (metaphorically and literally) a lot, and he just keeps sending these screaming Christmas tree ornaments chock full of delicious meats and valuable exotic minerals and materials like a Deific Door-Dash that won't take 'unsubscribe' for an answer.

A great many of those materials are useful in the manufacture of harpoons for the anti-Ophanim harpoon turrets. It's the circle of life.

Anyway, apologies for the digression there. The point is we expect he'll taste much the same, so bread was outright disqualified.

Yet that didn't keep people from bringing it up like we hadn't!

But Howard lost the bet, and as such, he had to give out six 'honeydo" coupons, one to each involved department.

We'd like to think they'd use them to get help with spring inventory or the next department move, but everyone's just going to follow Applied Genetics' lead and get their personal projects un-vetoed.

Alright, guys, settle a bet here.

Howard in Practical Theology says that eating an Olympian or Æsir is cannibalism, but everybody in Applied Genetics and the cafeteria staff disagree strongly.

So-

Clarification: Bread doesn't count, we're talking the full grill master here.

Hope this helps (us)!

Unless you know how to chow on the cordyceps without getting any of the ant.*

And if you do you gotta tell us.

It's the law.

Alright, guys, settle a bet here.

Howard in Practical Theology says that eating an Olympian or Æsir is cannibalism, but everybody in Applied Genetics and the cafeteria staff disagree strongly.

So-

Clarification: Bread doesn't count, we're talking the full grill master here.

Hope this helps (us)!

They come in a variety pack, we can't just waste 20% of the purchase. He knows that.

Or any of the other stuff I hurl into the void to baffle and amuse whether through here, Melinoë Labs or DeepDreamNights, money is never not-tight, and tips/gifts are welcome.

My Ongoing Gofundme

My paypal.me

My DrivehtruRPG store. (d20 and royalty-free fantasy and sci-fi stock art)

My Patreon

Thank you for enjoying, and remember:

Both in the "we've gone through a lot of trouble to keep that area secure" sense, and the "please rate your likelihood to recommend the Hole™ to your friends?" sense.

Did Janice tell you about the gift shop discount for annual pass holders?

"YOU SAID DON'T BE RIDICULOUS"

"And I meant it!

He's a brain and ALSO two working eyes in a jar"

That's why those of us in the extreme sciences use the Hypercratic Oath, which is far more comprehensive on these topics, and a smidge less so where it counts.

Is it ethical to save a life by turning them into a cyborg killing machine?

The oath is clear about this: It's ethically allowable as long as it's funny or awesome.

This is both, so, yeah, Doc's in the clear.

Hope this helps!

The vast majority of fruit started off tiny and barely edible, and was hammered into deliciousness through centuries of concerted horticulture.

This was made necessary because eating the fruit the old man makes induces sapience, and after the third or forth one you're hitting overdose territory (sapience is bio-accumulative and, in this instance, seems to fill a capsaicin-like role in limiting fruit harvesting to favorable seed propagators). So to maintain our fruit intake we were required to domesticate it out of other plant strains.