Melinoë Laboratories

“And we loved it, we were all having a great time, but then he saw my sister and I, and he just got this - this look in his eyes, and then-”

She hesitated, worrying the coarse material between her fingers. “Things got pretty bad after that,” she muttered. “I know it’s silly, but I try to keep - her - comfortable. We don’t know if she can still hear us, or see us, or if she’s even still in here, but I like to think she is. I talk to her when I can, I leave music on when I’m out of the house. I tried to convince my parents to bring her with us when we went to Disneyland, but they didn’t - didn’t really take that well.”

"oh but we'll be left powerless too-" Fie!

That's why you cast filthy-pillow-case-full-of-doorknobs before you tun on the belts. There was a whole training module on it. Which you'd have if you'd bought the belts.

OP, you're welcome to to use our Quantum Prefixer to 'detwine' your sibling, but we're not sure if that will work without the Suffixer to add a 'd' onto the end. Make an appointment with Janice if you want to try. We can also sell you a zone-of-silence-belt at a reasonable price*.

We were going to buy the Suffixer with the gold from selling zone-of-silence belts to the Wizard Council, but that's off the table apparently.

Humbert, Outreach Liaison, Melinoë Laboratories Cautio est pro argentariis

(that's a motto, not a spell, just in case the wizards council got/remained confused.)

Alright, guys, settle a bet here.

Howard in Practical Theology says that eating an Olympian or Æsir is cannibalism, but everybody in Applied Genetics and the cafeteria staff disagree strongly.

So-

Clarification: Bread doesn't count, we're talking the full grill master here.

Hope this helps (us)!

Our feeling on this are expanded upon in the incident report from Operation MultiMary, which you can listen to while we respond to Doctors @animatedamerican and @melannen's peer review:

The parameters of the question should make it clear that we're talking about class D variable-corporeal humanoid deities and class F human-chimerical deities, and their adjacent self-iterative servitors and demigods.

We specifically call out the Olypmpians (with titans implied) and the Æsir (with Vanir and Frost Giants implied) , for rigour's sake!

Moreover, we're very clear to point out that bread doesn't count! And you know WHY?!?

Because we've tested transubstantiation already and every time we've cloned a sample, since nineteen-seventy-bunking-six, you know what we get?

Herring.

Not even magic herring, just regular old herring. emmelichthys nitidus, and sickly ones at that. Most of them are still 7-12% wheat on a cellular level. Even our tele-transpositioner only has an error rate of 2%, and we're (allegedly) naught but meat and silicon.

So whoever is pullin' the o'l switcheroo has switched to a cheaper protein substitute and is skimping on their transdimensional-displacement budget to boot.

Which is fine. Legal wants me to make it clear we don't take it personally.

Not as if it slows us down any. We shake the old man's tree (metaphorically and literally) a lot, and he just keeps sending these screaming Christmas tree ornaments chock full of delicious meats and valuable exotic minerals and materials like a Deific Door-Dash that won't take 'unsubscribe' for an answer.

A great many of those materials are useful in the manufacture of harpoons for the anti-Ophanim harpoon turrets. It's the circle of life.

Anyway, apologies for the digression there. The point is we expect he'll taste much the same, so bread was outright disqualified.

Yet that didn't keep people from bringing it up like we hadn't!

But Howard lost the bet, and as such, he had to give out six 'honeydo" coupons, one to each involved department.

We'd like to think they'd use them to get help with spring inventory or the next department move, but everyone's just going to follow Applied Genetics' lead and get their personal projects un-vetoed.

Alright, guys, settle a bet here.

Howard in Practical Theology says that eating an Olympian or Æsir is cannibalism, but everybody in Applied Genetics and the cafeteria staff disagree strongly.

So-

Clarification: Bread doesn't count, we're talking the full grill master here.

Hope this helps (us)!

Unless you know how to chow on the cordyceps without getting any of the ant.*

And if you do you gotta tell us.

It's the law.

Alright, guys, settle a bet here.

Howard in Practical Theology says that eating an Olympian or Æsir is cannibalism, but everybody in Applied Genetics and the cafeteria staff disagree strongly.

So-

Clarification: Bread doesn't count, we're talking the full grill master here.

Hope this helps (us)!

They come in a variety pack, we can't just waste 20% of the purchase. He knows that.

Or any of the other stuff I hurl into the void to baffle and amuse whether through here, Melinoë Labs or DeepDreamNights, money is never not-tight, and tips/gifts are welcome.

My Ongoing Gofundme

My paypal.me

My DrivehtruRPG store. (d20 and royalty-free fantasy and sci-fi stock art)

My Patreon

Thank you for enjoying, and remember:

Both in the "we've gone through a lot of trouble to keep that area secure" sense, and the "please rate your likelihood to recommend the Hole™ to your friends?" sense.

Did Janice tell you about the gift shop discount for annual pass holders?

"YOU SAID DON'T BE RIDICULOUS"

"And I meant it!

He's a brain and ALSO two working eyes in a jar"

That's why those of us in the extreme sciences use the Hypercratic Oath, which is far more comprehensive on these topics, and a smidge less so where it counts.

Is it ethical to save a life by turning them into a cyborg killing machine?

The oath is clear about this: It's ethically allowable as long as it's funny or awesome.

This is both, so, yeah, Doc's in the clear.

Hope this helps!

The vast majority of fruit started off tiny and barely edible, and was hammered into deliciousness through centuries of concerted horticulture.

This was made necessary because eating the fruit the old man makes induces sapience, and after the third or forth one you're hitting overdose territory (sapience is bio-accumulative and, in this instance, seems to fill a capsaicin-like role in limiting fruit harvesting to favorable seed propagators). So to maintain our fruit intake we were required to domesticate it out of other plant strains.

A situation that was made substantially worse by the release of:

If the Goo's Alight, It's Not Alright!

Which introduced (advertently) the world to Goozy, the anti-goo mutant monster and (inadvertently) to the idea of drinking mysterious glowing liquids, which had not occurred to many people prior to the campaign.

Ultimately, four American cities were laid waste by the resulting "muteens", making it the most successful/least lethal PSA campaign of the 80s and 90s.

We spread a lot of awareness with that campaign. Unfortunately that was awareness of glowing ooze and that people were, in fact, drinking it, more than it was awareness that one should not do that.

And I gotta say, to this day the whole thing with the Solid Clone Dancers really makes me feel like Charlie Tuna. Thankfully, Ohio rendered clone-testing obsolete in the early 2000s.

so first of all, the snake didnt "decieve" eve at all, they just said flat out what is going to happen when she eats the fruit and that she is not going to die like god said they would. and eve is all like "well, that fruit does look pretty tasty". god in fact agrees with this later on, which is why specifically he expells adam and eve from the garden.

but like, the whole process by which god discovers it is also absolute slapstick. so adam and eve can tell right from wrong now, because they ate the fruit. so they can tell that being naked around each other is wrong and they put on clothes.

this is weird because this implies that it was always wrong for them to be naked, is just that they didnt realize this. but why did god allow it if it was wrong?

so then god is just walking around eden. which again, also hilarious, right. god is not this almighty omniscient allseeing prescence in the sky, he is just a guy hanging out at the garden with adam and eve. and he cant find adam and eve so he has to actually ask "where are you guys"

so adam and eve show up, all sheepish an god is like "why were you hiding" and adam is like "because we were ashamed of being naked in front of you" and god is like "how can you tell that you are naked? unless... you ate from the fruit that tells you what is right and what is wrong???"

which is an uprarious conversation right? "how can you tell that you are naked" what an incredible question for god to ask.

"Yes Michael?"

"Do you really want to put the 'makes things sapient' tree in the middle of the garden with all the fruit-eating animals?"

"Look, I've told all of them that they can't eat the self-awareness fruits, I told them they were poison."

"Yeah, but they're animals. They don't even know what death is. What happens if the marmosets get into them? I've run the projections and they would build such a tower, sir. And after last time with the dinosaurs-"

"Stupid clever dinosaurs making me start over with mammals- This time will be different! No rebellious sinful dinosaurs, no rebelliously unsinful lystrosaurus! No vile, blasphemous trilobites-"

"Trilo-?"

"They know what they did! Anyhow, I've got it under control. Omnipotence, ya know?"

"I don't think we can really claim that on the package and not get sued-"

"Fff. So there's some bugs to work out, some gaps in the camera coverage. What? Like some disgruntled employee is going to hijack the nervous system of a lesser creature and spread sensitive trade secrets to... who? The animals? It's fine. Everything is fine."

An alarm, consisting of the braying of brass bulls, rings out.

"Michael, is that the everything is fine alarm?"

"I think you know it isn't, Boss."

"Me damnit! Get me my pants. I'm going down there."

--

Later.

"Who the fuck taught the apes shame?"

"Ha-ha! You've been ssssssnek'd! Ssssscrew you, assssshole!"

Sounds of a coiled snake springing away in a pogo-stick like fashion.

"Luuuciiiffeerrrr!"

The iconic and peppy sitcom theme to "That's Our Devil!" starts-

When's the demiurge is lyin' and things ain't on the level, who'sa causin' trouble? That's our devil!

<Ding!>

G-d didn't throw them out of the Garden because "yeah, that does look tasty," but to prevent them from eating from the Tree of Life, which was an entirely separate tree.

Now, there is a midrash addressing the question, "Why does G-d say they'll die when they eat the fruit, if they didn't die for another thousand years?" and one answer given is that eating the fruit didn't result in them dying, but becoming mortal. Thus, the verse shouldn't be understood as, "On the day you eat the fruit you shall surely die," but "On the day you eat the fruit it will become certain that you will die."

The old man leaves two life-altering bio-catalyst generators just laying around without so much as a fence, then blames his pets for getting into them before abandoning them along the side of the metaphorica/(physical?) highway and somehow he's 'benevolent' and 'all knowing', and 'worthy of worship'

Whereas when we, a regularly audited science laboratory and frozen yogurt distributor, are careful to (allegedly) raise, educate and care for the 256 horny toads (allegedly) sapienized while (allegedly) testing Nytroline PM™ (Sleep's a Dream with Nytroline™) (allegedly), we are "an abomination unto nature", "tampering in god's domain', and "in command of an awesome army of amphibian assassins that is a direct threat to national security"*

The double standard is, not gonna lie, a little hurtful.

Humbert, Outreach Liaison, Melinöe Laboratories "Illi Qui Sani Sunt Non Intendunt"