✧・MELIORISM.

in the space between missing you and losing you i found a darkness to claim as home, void of anything that could remind me of us until i no longer could remember that there had ever been such a thing.

we never learned how to move past the hurt. so we sit here, engulfed in a deafening silence as the stars go out one by one, and hurt. until the universe has burned out, we hurt.

you were never mine. i repeat it like a mantra as if it will somehow make this heartbreak easier. you cannot lose something you never had, and you cannot miss something you never lost — and yet here you stand, ghost alive, my heart in your hand. this love was a path only i walked and i always thought you'd come running after once you realized. i hoped part of you would adore me hard enough to fall, but i know now that you would never love me, and i have to be okay with that. you were never mine. you never will be.

you did so many cruel things to me. there were words i can't utter and closed fists and open hands that still burn on my skin. there were long nights without rest. there were prayers that i would unbreak and save myself.  and yet i think the cruelest thing you ever did to me was make me believe there was any hope, only to rip it right out of my young hands.

there can't be songs for every soldier. there can't be solace every time you cry.

that boy is standing in the middle of the flames as if it does not hurt him. only foolish girls like you reach out a hand willingly, as if you're searching for honey in a bee's nest and you don't know this love will sting. that boy makes gods weep in jealousy and terror alike. only foolish girls like you try to run alongside him readily, as if you don't know he's growing flowers on your heart that you will choke on. but that boy. that boy will dim galaxies until there's only darkness if he does not have a foolish girl like you to remind him of his humanity.

you were sun without rain. nothing could grow there. i was rain without pause. nothing could grow there.  nothing could exist without us. we could not exist alone.

spring inevitably comes with its fresh sunbeams and blooming forests and showers of life. for all it’s worth, remember autumn’s fallen leaves. remember the wind of a winter to come — long and bitter and always with a vengeance. but spring inevitably comes with its haunted melodies of decadence and lies of lighter life. for all it’s worth, remember her love in the palm of your hand. remember the echo of heaven in hell — humming you home to darkness.

you said nothing and that was how you said everything. i heard you. i saw you. but i did not know how to tell you.

remember the summer days you ran barefoot on the grass and let the sun caress your cheeks. they pooled when you smiled like you carried happiness in them, and everyone convinced you you could be king with your paper sword and plastic crown. remember the way your laugh sounded when an ocean wave almost swallowed you and your mother pulled you back just in time. you had defeated the monster, all on your own, and you could believe that. you could believe anything. remember the taste of salty tears when you fell down the tree whilst picking apples. you ripped your favorite jeans and scraped your knee, but there were promises that you would be alright. you would always be alright in the end. remember, i pray, for you were human once. you felt once. and still, when they tell you to breathe, all you can do is suffocate.

she loves like a sunday; slowly, with care, like sunlight helping flowers grow. all noise from saturday long gone as you lean into her arms, just a vague memory of the world outside. she’ll touch you like soft rain upon skin and remind you of humanity as she sings a lullaby into the afternoon, familiar piano from a vinyl humming along. she loves like a sunday; as if there is no end. she'll love until it sticks and only then will you know how birds chirp so effortlessly even when the skies only greet them with grey. days move like raw honey, sticky pages in a book, and if only you could stay with her forever you would know what eternity in peace truly felt like.

you burn yourself in the hopes of one day rising like a phoenix. what if you never do?

his love is like a gaping wound and you are pouring salt in it as if it’s all you know to do. maybe he tastes of ashes while you’re still staring into his flame, and boy you’re not a phoenix. there is no version of this where he heals you, so you swear you’ll let him set you aflame for a glimpse of your soul. you want to whisper hope with words that don’t exist, but instead you tremble. maybe he sings to drown out the waves that will inevitably swallow you, and boy you never thought you deserved otherwise. there is no ending to this where both of you survive, so you swear you’ll sacrifice your soaring for his fire.

there is a wrong way to love you: my hand in your hand, your lips on my skin like i'm aching, aching in places you haven't met but still belong to you. every inch like salvation when you breathe upon me. every sunrise like a romance and every twilight like a tragedy.  there is a right way to love you: we said we'd be fine, but we lied. it ached especially when you touched me and we burned because of it. you were meant for kinder love and i was meant for wilder life. we never stood a chance, and yet we never lost.

act i. put shackles on yourself to tame demons that shouldn't inhabit your ribcage. girl, have some heart — courage alone only goes one way and you know where you're headed. act ii. your body is a shipwreck, but you have made a home of it and you will die drowning yourself. you’ve got the mind of a queen and the face of a goddess and you swear you won’t drown alone. act iii. the ocean weeps when you enter. they know if not the moon, you can change the tide.