PERKY CS

I know what it’s like to be emotionally exhausted. And you try and explain it to people and you can’t. How do you find words for, ‘I feel things so deeply and I give so much, sometimes it leaves me empty?’ It’s like you wake up tired because you couldn’t sleep and 3 Am welcomed you with a familiar loneliness that you’ve grown used to. And you’re watching everyone else wondering what you’re doing wrong. Wondering why can’t you feel less. Wishing you’d stop caring. Envying people who don’t care about anything but themselves and you can’t even imagine such a life. There are some people who just love so deeply and care so much and give every bit of themselves to others, so much so they don’t have anything for themselves. They are the types of people who give away parts of themselves to make others feel whole. There are some people who show an unwavering strength as they lift others and make them feel better but they can’t even figure out how to channel that into themselves. It’s the same people who hide tears you don’t know about. It’s the same people who feel lonely in a crowd. It’s the same people who look at others in love and wonder when it will be their turn. And I know you’re growing wary as more people trust you, you trust others less. You learn the only one you can rely on is yourself. I know you’re getting tired of trying so hard. I know it’s a lot to be the way you are and you won’t ever admit it. And everyone thinks it comes naturally and is so easy. But loving as hard as you do, makes you feel like there’s something wrong with you sometimes. But at the same time being this way is the only thing you know. People admire you for how you are, fearless, loving, caring and one who wears their heart completely on their sleeve, unapologetically but they don’t see your eyes are getting tired, your faith is being tested and the loneliness you feel in giving your best is consuming you more each day. I want you to know you aren’t like the rest of them. I want you know I’m proud of you for your strength. I want you to know one day being exactly as you are, will pay off and you’ll meet someone who will fill you the same way you have filled others. So until then, keep trying. Keep holding onto that little bit of faith you have. Keep being yourself and don’t change. There is something in you that is so rare. And one day being who you are will pay off and that empty feeling inside and that loneliness you can’t shake, will one day be met with someone who looks you in the eyes and says, ‘Finally.’

How can emptiness feel so heavy?

Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I don’t cry and the “don’t cry” times are somehow worse than the crying ones.

But fake happiness is still the worst sadness.