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@melancholyballerina
so one week on sick leave and i feel so useless lol
i gotta go back to school on october 1st ๐ and ib doesn't accommodate for mentally ill students so uhm looking at what three weeks of school did to my mental health, i don't even wanna know how the next two years will go ๐ tbh i don't think i'll make it that far
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so one week on sick leave and i feel so useless lol
life update: i'm not permitted to participate in any schoolwork for the next few weeks because i'm too mentally ill & at a high-risk for suicide. and it should give me time to rest & find resources to get help but for some reason i feel even more of a failure?? :/
my mother just told me that i shouldn't be the way i am because there are people in the world who have it worse than me
tw // suicidal ideation
i went to the school nurse because i was about to buy the means to unalive myself & i find out i'm not supposed to be in school rn?? the school doctor had required for me to take a month off school because i was too mentally unwell & these teachers just let me be here without telling me anything?? what ๐ the ๐ fuck ๐
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch โข No registration required โข HD streaming
i hate advice that's like "exercise ๐ฅฐ spend time with friends and family ๐ค sleep eight hours ๐ซ eat healthy meals ๐ do activities you enjoy ๐ฅณ"
OKAY. i can't even get out of the bed without crying and having a panic attack. it takes everything in me to get ready for school, sit there for eight hours & then get back to my residence without collapsing. the whole time i'll be struggling with depressive and suicidal thoughts. i simply do not have the energy to even shower or brush my teeth. the only thing i do is scroll on my phone in hopes of it distracting me from my thoughts because they hurt so bad.
family & friends? i don't have any friends anymore. i don't have any family members who i can fully trust and on top of that, social interaction is very mentally and emotionally draining. paying attention to other people in convos has always been hard for me but now, oh man now, it's HELL.
how am i supposed to sleep when i have countless intrusive and anxiety induced thoughts? i don't control them, okay? it's not my choice to stay awake at night, except when it's revenge bedtime procastination where i literally force myself to stay awake because i've wasted my whole day laying in bed & now i'm trying to write this damn essay.
eat healthy meals? again, IT TAKES TIME. not only do i take offense to that because it feels like you're minimizing the effects of depression on daily life, you're also being classist because eating healthy can be very costly. i just do not have the energy. not matter how hard i try.
activities i enjoy? i get no enjoyment out of ANYTHING. i don't feel happiness. everything is a chore, absolutely everything. and it's so fucking tiring.
i'm too tired to even lie to anyone anymore, i just dance around the truth
sb: "so how's it been going?"
me: "it's going... somewhere..."
sb: "oh so everything's fine? ๐"
me: "well... i'm dealing with... stuff..."
sb: "๐คจ"
me: "anyways i have stuff to do now โ๐"
tw // suicidal ideation
is it bad that i made a list of accessible medication w estimated amounts of what would make them lethal
i don't know how i'm gonna make it through next week
how do you tell a mentally healthy person that you don't want to get better & find comfort in your mental illnesses ๐
tw // EDs, suicidal ideation, derealization
i'm currently stuck between "starve yourself, don't you miss how good it felt? don't you miss how relieved you felt every time you purged?"
and
"if you're gonna unalive yourself soon anyways why not enjoy some food rn"
and
"intuitive eating ๐ฅฐ you need food to live โผ๏ธ beauty standards are all made up nothing's real everything's fake, we're stuck on a rock floating in space....." *enters derealization episode*
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch โข No registration required โข HD streaming
today in history i dissociated for like 2 seconds and then suddenly it had been 30 minutes??? tf??
so tired of everything
why is it always "you need to gain weight or else you won't be able to have kids in the future" and not "you need to gain weight or you'll be at risk for osteoporosis and anaemia" ๐คจ
i see people doing hw during spare lessons and btwn classes & like... IS THAT WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HAVE MOTIVATION AND A WILL TO LIVE ๐ญ๐ญ and they still have time to talk with their friends, extracurriculars AND a healthy lifestyle?? is that what good mental health is like.... also how does the noice around them not bother them AT ALL? like i just couldn't concentrate
tw // suicidal ideation
i get so mad when i find the stuff i'm looking for through tumblr
*literally searches 'suicide methods'*
*finds several methods*
me: i cannot BELIEVE tumblr would allow these kinds of preposterous posts *screenshots* this is UNACCEPTABLE ๐ก๐ค
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch โข No registration required โข HD streaming
why does no one talk about the stomach pain that comes w anxiety ๐ญ and bloating, that shit SUCKS :/
can't believe i decided to leave tumblr in 2018, i've missed this place so much