melanie

one of my fantasies is to be asked

every time i get close to someone i feel like a stray dog trying to live in a house. like i don’t know where to put my body or how loud i’m allowed to be.

okay i'm gonna be honest i don't like people who are actively looking for a relationship and shooting their shots all around to see who will be most interested, it's weird. literally just wait until you fall in love with someone, it doesn't happen every year, what the fuck, people aren't options on a menu. it makes all relationships feel so transactional, like options on a menu, and so often i am considered one of the options and i don't flirt enough fast enough but i think to myself oh this person has feelings for me let me think let me explore that... and then i'm always given up on for someone who's faster. and i never understand what could make them unhave those feelings for me so suddenly and so fast until i realise there never was any feelings involved they literally just looked at me like i'm on a menu and tried to estimate the price, i.e. how much generic unspecified dishonest affection they'd have to throw at me until i gave myself over willingly and they Had A Relationship, until they Had Obtained Love. i wish people stopped trying to "shoot their shot" and "test the waters" with me, i mean i know i can't demand loyalty before i even agree to anything but i'd really rather they not show any interest in me at all if they don't mean me at all. i'd rather not have people attracted to me than have people be so open about it me and then so open about changing their mind about me once i turn out to not be digestible enough. idk something about a person LOOKING for a relationship (and you can always tell when they desperately are) is so off-putting to me like are we talking about falling in love or investing in a new pair of shoes. why do you think about this like acquiring something. the concept of looking for love itself is insane to me i'm sorry i can't respect that.

like am i crazy for thinking the process shouldn't begin with deciding that you want it and then browsing through the people like in a store deciding which you like and then picking the most enthusiastic and most easily attainable one of them. like is this not insane to you guys is this not literally some patrick bateman type of bullshit. when had we given up on going through life meeting people learning them and then maybe if you're lucky once in a decade maybe just maybe you will fall in love. how did we make it into something to acquire

i apologize but i think it's literally approaching mythological levels of hubris to assume we can just plan and demand and generate something as huge and as life altering as love. because we Felt Like It. like you either have to be completely delusional to the point of a god complex or you have to not understand the term in the first place. because how else do you explain this phenomenon.

looking for an intense relationship on like wednesdays and fridays but then we don't talk much for the rest of the week