s h o u t !

I miss you buddy. 

Ang dami na nang pagbabago sa akin simula noong huli kitang nakausap. Pero hindi ko na babalikan ang lahat ng iyon. Dahil NGAYON at BUKAS ang pag-uusapan natin. 

It’s nice to be back-balakubak. 

Can we just stop talking?

Can we not meet each other?

Can we not exchange our phone numbers?

Can we not be friends?

Can we cut our connections, our friends, our family?

Can we just go on with our lives?

Can we untouched each other's lives?

Can your name be deleted in the history as if it never existed?

When you want to fight, but you're fighting alone.

When you're moving on, but you're being held on.

When you want to wake up in this unending dream.

When you're swimming but you're not moving an inch.

When you want to jump but you're legs are chained.

When you want to sleep but questions won't left your head.

it’s been a long time. how r u? 

i’m happy. i’m feeling great.

but why am i here?  it’s been a long time since I feel the sadness -- the uncertainty of life. of course there had been challenges within the period I was not “in touched”. but you know, I was not afraid. I’m strong, capable woman because I know, God is always with me. 

He’s my best friend. He’s my savior. He’s my light. 

what’s there to worry about?

shoutout sa ex kong naging parte ng buhay ko ng apat na taon! ...sa ex kong laging kasama ko tuwing may okasyon! ...sa ex kong pumasok at lumabas ng lopez at sogo! ...sa ex kong ilokano at kuripot! ...sa ex kong kasama kong kumanta, sumayaw, mamasyal sa kung saan saang lugar na hindi ko pa napuntahan! ...sa ex kong kasamang sumakay ng eroplano! ...sa ex kong pinakilala at minahal ng pamilya ko! ...sa ex kong sinisid ako nung tumalon ako at di makaahon! ...sa ex kong tinuruan akong lumangoy! ...sa ex kong pinalakas ang loob kong mag-zip line sa ugong rock! ...sa ex kong kasama ko noong tinutukan ako ng kitchen knife! ...sa ex kong kasama ko sa mga 21k ko! ...sa ex kong nilakad ang buong maynila para lang kami ay magkasama! ...sa ex kong kinakantahan ako bago matulog! ...sa ex kong kasama kong kumain ng ramen, buffet at kung ano anong exotic foods! ...sa ex kong binibigyan ako ng kwintas, sumbrero, at stuffed toy! ...sa ex kong naglalaba ng underwear ko! ...sa ex kong pinapakain ako ng talbos! ...sa ex kong dinistinguish ang pagkakaiba ng bagoong na isda sa chocolate! ...sa ex kong katawagan ng mahal!

i just watched the movie four times during my weekend. how i wish that i can remember all the lessons therein. 

not to fall in love with the idea of falling in love. many of us tend to find another love out of that failed relationship. i must admit, i am striving for a “perfect relationship”. it’s not  because that we need to find a partner, but because we are so obsessed with the idea of falling in love. 

not to fall on his dick scent. well, the dick scent as the movie describes it, is the aroma or presence of the guy that makes the girl go wild and lose herself again. this is not helping you to be single. this will only give a hard time on being able to control yourself.

being able to enjoy alone, is how to be single. you don’t need friends, lovers, family to be able to company you. you only need yourself.

before the 6th

i have this immeasurable pain that it seems i can longer bear. all i wanted is to be with him, to hug him and kiss him; to let him know that i am still right here. that i never intended to leave. that i will do anything to make him stay. even if i change my attitude and outfit, even myself. i am willing to forgive him anytime he comes back. my heart is still full of his memories and love for him. 

i cried each time i remember him. my breakfast, lunch and dinner is my tears. i will never get mad at him. i still love him that’s all i can say. that’s why i let him go.  

i got mixed emotions on the 6th day.

i remember the unbearable pain so well, when i cannot stop the tears from flowing even though i already wore my make-up and walking in the subway. but now, it is really different. i feel numb. i am confused with what i’m feeling. even if i wanted to cry, i can’t. for i believe that this is the therapy for broken hearts, i still can’t cry. i still love him but i can’t bear the words to say that again. i am not that mad, but i already forgave him even without apologizing to me. no more tears. no more drama. i don’t know if i am ready to move on with my life without him. but yes, i miss him but not like before. i know this is too soon, but this is what i’m feeling. i feel numb. i feel careless. but i’m still afraid that i fall back in the dark pit again.

i’m hurt. i’m in pain. i wanted to talk with friends, family or just anyone alive. but it seems that no one can understand the pain that i’m going through. i don’t to talk about it. i don’t want to discuss what happened. i don’t want any assuring words from anyone. i just want someone to be there. i just want to cry, to curse, to shout it all out. 

it’s as if my heart was ran down by a hundred of trucks, or left hanging on the plane while travelling around the world, or dropped off in the Pacific Ocean. i was alone. no one’s there. the fact that it is bleeding no one dares to make it stop which make it more unbearable.

how long will this take? there’s too much pressure and too much love that i have not given yet. even if i tried crying it out all night, the pain is still there. as if it will never go away. my tears literally don’t stop flowing. i can hardly open my eyes. my body doesn’t want to move. it’s as if my world stops revolving.

i wanted to fight. i wanted stand up. i wanted to smile and live my life. but i just can’t. the pain is winning over me. this is the time of my life where i cannot fight anymore. i just wanted to give up and surrender.