I wrote Old Companion in December 2021, during the first months of a cleansing effort to rewire my relationship with alcohol. Iâd noticed that over the course of 2020 and 2021, my habits around alcohol had gradually changed. By the end of 2021 I rarely went a day without having at least a beer or glass of wine. Common story.
When I began to feel I wanted alcohol to be less present in my life, it didnât really seem like an option in our alcohol-obsessed society, particularly amidst our alcohol-obsessed entertainment industry. I feared Iâd be judged, left out, or perceived as âless fun.â Approaching my 36th birthday, I decided to take a break from alcohol full stop. Despite societal pressures and expecations that made it seem difficult, no one was actually stopping me but me. I first decided to try a month, and when that went well I decided to go for 6 months. I liked the clarity Iâd gained, and eventually decided to do a Dry 2022.Â
It wasn't easy at first, but I am certain that the decision to take a break from alcohol was a crucial step towards making this record. I replaced one companion that had taken over and claimed a prominent role in my social routines and habits (beer/wine) with the tried and true companions that had kept me company for years (writing, recording music, hiking). The first few weeks, I replaced my happy hour glass of wine with a glass of cranberry juice. I swapped my beer/cider cravings with a crisp sliced apple. I brought a canister of hot tea to shows and social events. I realized that Iâd learned to lean on alcohol during times when I felt socially anxious, awkward, shy, or just not in the mood to be social. So now in this shifted reality, instead of forcing myself to be social and charismatic when I wasnât in the mood, I simply went home and went to bed early (easier said than done). To my surprise, I found I had more energy to be present with people when I was choosing to do so, and didnât need alcohol to bring me into the moment. When I wrote Old Companion and eventually performed it for the first time, the taboo and secrecy around this struggle evaporated.Â
I wasnât sure if Iâd ever play the song because I didnât want people to see me differently, to think of me as someone labeled by a struggle with alcohol, or to assume Iâd hit some horrible rock bottom of alcohol dependancy. In truth, I am just like the millions of other people whose relationship with alcohol gradually changed over time, beginning in social settings that are centered around alcohol, anchoring around duties and rituals as a musician being asked to entertain, and eventually creeping into day to day life, end of day routines, and invisible habits that go unnoticed. I had zero interest in sipping a cup of tea, I remember thinking âWhatâs the point?â Iâd go for a hot toddy, but not a mug of tea alone. But when I allowed my brain to unwire from the impulse of âjust add alcoholâ to make things fun or relaxing or better, then and only then did the actual finer things in life become even finer. A walk in the park or a quiet moment sipping tea while looking out the window â alcohol used to claim credit for making these kinds of moments feel like a "treat," but it turns out they are nice in and of themselves once alcoholâs no longer taking center stage. There are so many activities that I used to associate with a bottle of beer or glass of wine - cleaning the kitchen on a Sunday evening, cooking dinner, hanging out with family and friends⊠but once I did those activities a few times without alcohol, I got a whole new glimpse into what my life could feel like. Â
People sometimes ask me if/when Iâll start drinking again. At times it bothers me because it makes me feel like they prefer me drinking, that it makes them uncomfortable when I donât drink, or that they feel they canât trust me if Iâm not drinking with them. Thereâs a lot of bonding that happens when people are drinking together, but Iâve realized that the bonding that happens without alcohol as a crutch is just as rewarding if not more so. I canât tell you how much energy Iâve spent this year trying to make sure that my choice to not drink isnât making other people feel uncomfortable or judged. Iâm not judging anyone for their drinking, and yet I feel immensely judged for my choice to not drink. Who knows how long Iâll continue this break, if Iâll continue past 2022 or go back to social drinking on occasion. I donât know, and I donât really need to know right now. All I know is that writing this song was a big step in the right direction for me.
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Old Companion
Six months from now
Will I be free
From this conflicted part of me
After a year
Will I have a new way
To relax my mind at the end of the day
Without my dear old companion
Who soothed me all these years
I had a feeling
That started to grow
Til I pushed it down too far below
But while I still can
I just have to try
Before all my chances pass me by
Without my dear old companion
Who soothed me all these years
Before the show, and after too
To pass the time, to start a new
To make it feel magic, to make it feel true
To turn off my mind, to just make it through
To just make it through
Without my dear old companion
Who soothed me all these years
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