Lorna Fan

SoapLand is a strange old place, right? Bizarre stuff is always happening in East London, Weatherfield, Chester and the Yorkshire Dales.

Copyright [BBC]

And while the Big Stuff doesn’t pass without a few raised eyebrows - people coming back from the dead, er hello? - there’s an awful lot of bonkers small stuff that we just accept. Like…

The drinking. The ALL DAY DRINKING

In EastEnders, Phil and Lauren are both recovering alcoholics, while Denise has teetered on the brink of alcoholism a couple of times. But nobody ever mentions that pretty much every single person on the Square drinks well over the recommended units of alcohol. They’re in The Vic boozing at lunchtime, after work, in the evenings. And if they’re not guzzling drink in the pub, they’re popping into the minute mart to buy wine for lunch/dinner/their cornflakes. Someone have a word with these casual, functioning alcoholics. Before there is a huge liver disease epidemic in East London.

Hanging out with murderers

Don’t know about you, but if there was someone convicted of actually killing another someone living on my street, I’d be a little wary of spending too much time with them. I wouldn’t feel massively comfortable having my all day drinking sessions while they drink alongside me. I definitely wouldn’t be picking fights with them.

Most of your family living in shouting distance

In the real world, living in walking distance of every single member of your family, extended family and their families is the stuff of nightmares. Imagine it. You’d have to attend every single family event EVER without the chance of crying off sick. You wouldn’t even be able to pop to the local shop for some milk without running into some distant cousin or another and getting into a long winded conversation. People move away from their families for a reason. On the other hand, can’t be bothered to do your washing? Mum’s just over the road.

And if they move out of earshot, you never see them again. Ever

There does seem to be some logic in families all sticking VERY close together in SoapLand though. Because the moment anyone moves away, they are never seen visiting again. Fair enough if they’ve disappeared off to India or New Zealand, but how many times have Shabs and Jade visited from Ealing? That’s right - NONE. It’s almost as if there’s a huge void outside of their postcode area that swallows them up as soon as they leave it. Hmmm. Maybe Professor Brian Cox should look into this.

They don’t watch soaps

There was that one time that Dot Cotton mentioned never missing Coronation Street, but apart from that one of Britain’s most popular televisual genres doesn’t exist in SoapLand. No one in Weatherfield sits around gossiping about what happened in Emmerdale the night before and the Hollyoaks gang weren’t wondering Who Killed Lucy Beale. It’s not normal. And you have to ask yourself what on Earth the Sky Planner in Walford, Weatherfield etc look like.

There local pubs that haven’t been turned into Tesco Metros or apartments

Obviously because of all the all-day drinking, the pubs in SoapLand do an absolute roaring trade. They must do because they haven’t faced the same fate as local pubs up and down the land. The Queen Vic, The Dog in the Pond, The Rovers Return and The Woolpack have stood strong, while in reality they would be boarded up, a stray bit of bunting from 2012 flapping in the wind. It’s just as well they’ve survived in an industry that is dying though. Where would all the big revelations happen if there were no pubs in soaps?

Gay characters always fancy each other

If you’re gay in SoapLand and another gay character arrives, then it’s guaranteed you will get with each other. Because you are both gay. There is zero chance they’ll just become a casual acquaintance, someone you nod to in the street. There is zero chance that you’ll just really not like each other - if you do, it’s just because there’s some unresolved sexual tension going on and you’ll eventually get with each other.

It’s like smartphones haven’t happened

While the rest of the world are busy Snapchatting their lives away and checking their phones every two minutes, folks in soap actually talk to each other. I know. Talk about ignoring reality.

This show is a joke with the blatant favouritism. No scrap that, DTC is a joke and I can’t wait until he goes. So you introduce Paul, a really positive gay character who didn’t have a coming out storyline because he didn’t need one and was put into a love triangle with Ben and Abi. That finally ended and now Ben and Paul are together. We waited what, 10 months? And now they are in a relationship and are happy. Not even together a month yet. What could possibly go wrong since last week’s episode? We get news that Paul is being written out of the show, and it’s pretty obvious why. And it hurts as a fan of him, personally. Only when he’s just getting more screen time. It sucks.

Paul getting sidelined for a relationship between Ben and Johnny when Ben and Paul have already said “I love you” ? You bet that is going to happen because Johnny was looking at Ben and Paul in the latest episode - that’s foreshadowing. Paul deserves a better leaving storyline than this. If that’s what they think we want to see. Love triangles are ugly. Ben just got out of one. DTC just can’t help but put a Carter and a Mitchell together. Also it’s this idea that two gay characters can’t be friends. Or that Johnny MUST be interested in Ben or Paul now.