🧡 dumb love, i love being stupid.

being in the studio without permission, and without honeydew hadn't exactly been what meera was planning on, nor was it done with any intent. but it wasn't something she wanted to get caught doing, either. aimlessly wandering the halls of the studio at least an hour before the other members were set to get there, the pressure on tour had begun to wear on meera. she was nervous about performing in a way she hadn't been since she was a teenager, more agitated than she'd ever been over having less and less time to write. the moment of reprieve, somewhere with good acoustics, where she could feel like a singer and a songwriter again gave even bouncing off the walls meera the feeling of zen she craved. until she's snapped back to reality. she jumps up like akina had just slammed the door in her face with a startled squeak, and immediately begins grabbing her notebook papers. " sorry! sorry! i didn't mean to stake a claim on your studio spot. i was just looking for somewhere quiet. i needed to be able to hear myself think. and sing. think, mostly. " she's struggling to get all her papers in her bag, lyrics scrawled across every corner of every page and the tops of her hands, too. blue pen, red pen, pink pen, black sharpie, green sharpie... " sorry! "

one of the exciting parts of this tour for serena, other than the performing for the biggest crowds thus far of her career, was the travel. she had only dreamed of visiting some of the european cities on the list of tour stops. while there wasn't enough time to explore every single city, when there was a chance rena was keen to take advantage. usually she would opt for the company of one of her bandmates but she had gone out alone today. a bit of time to decompress from the overwhelm of chaotic tour life. maybe even find a dispensary if she was lucky. she was in the middle of typing out a quick text when she collided with another body that caused her to stumble a bit. "shit, sorry..." a muttered apology with a hint of alarm to her voice. "oh, hey meera," serena greeted happily once she realized it was her instead of a random local. "you good? sorry 'bout that. i should probably pay more attention where i'm going," she chuckled. a slight tilt of her head at the mention of fate. seemed like an exaggerated stretch to her, but she kept her commentary to herself for now. "can't say that i do but apparently it's the most populous city in the netherlands, so i'm assuming a lot, " she added with a shrug. "where ya headed off to?"

meera had been a child for most of her travel-heavy years, and a lonely one at that, so most of her cultural touchpoints were limited to four things: pop music, cartoons, museums, and food. her list of destinations and landmarks for most places she hadn't lived were aggressively short, and even the ones places she had could sometimes come up wanting. she relished a little now in being able to just walk around and explore, and wonders half-hopefully and half-ruefully if supernova is going to take it from her, where she'd need sunglasses to not be recognized and someone trailing behind her in case she was. she'd been spoken to twice already today, and felt over the moon about it. " pretty much nowhere. just looking for adventure. maybe meet some of the... lots of people that live here. do whatever's amsterdammy. "

she's shocked when meera approaches her backstage – partly because it's rare that anyone comes up to her at all and partly because it's so loud backstage she doesn't even notice the other woman until she's speaking . her mouth twitches as she listens , amused , to meera's recounting of the kickoff party but she nods along anyway . ❛ wow , yeah . that is crazy ... ❜ she remembers how easy it had been to fool meera into believing her grenadine-water mixture was an actual cocktail , remembers thinking either the girl was being incredibly polite or was incredibly out of it . apparently it was the latter . or maybe both . ❛ but , uh , probably good you couldn't introduce us . doppelgängers aren't really a great omen . ❜ she glances in the direction of the stage at meera's question , answering with a low chuckle . ❛ no . i , um– i think this is actually the easiest part , you know ? it's music . ❜ v had never really experienced stage fright , not with this . instead , before every show she'd ever played , she felt the same buzz of energy course through her , begging to be released , more anticipation than anxiety . ❛ what about you ? holding up okay ? ❜

truth be told: it had always been easy for meera before now. once she was on stage, singing, the rest of the world melted away. she wasn't worried about how silly she might look, or even if people were enjoying what she created, because it was real. the sad part about being rejected a lot was that you developed a thick skin for it — or in meera's case, resilience in the face of sensitivity. now, with an actual audience, it was like everything was turned up to ten: said sensitivity, the threat of rejection, the desire to do something so make it fade. she just didn't feel like she was creating anything anymore. she was performing. she loved it. but it wasn't the same. performing was about impressing. not to mention she had beautiful, talented impressive groupmates next to her, and if she was one moment out of step, it could spiral for them too. " really excited, " meera says, because it's the most positive spin on the truth. " it's just kinda weird. feeling the weight of other people's success on your shoulders. i'd rather just be responsible for me and any dopplegangers, sometimes. " a grin to calm her own nerves.

they were killing it, but somehow, to meera, it still didn't feel real. she knew part of it was her excitement, so potent and so real that it overloaded her brain. the fact she was on stage, on tour, making music, with people as amazing as the other members of honeydew made it difficult to lie down to sleep at night sometimes, because she was worried it would all be gone when she woke up. but she felt like she constantly wasn't good enough at dancing. she hated the lyrics of their songs. the demand of cohesion, when meera was so used to riding solo, marching to the beat of her own drum, sometimes made her want to crawl out of her skin. social media comments always made her want to crawl out of her own skin.    "   tour is fantastic,   "   meera said cheerfully, shoving any negative thoughts on the backburner.   "   like, blow my mind, someone pinch me fantastic, kind of. i think even if i never step foot on stage again i'll be happy. no, that's not true. i need to be on stage. but, it's fantastic.   "

if only the two musicians could see that they were more alike than they were different. both deeply insecure and overthinking everything. it just manifested in different ways due to their contrasting personalities. maybe if they realized that they were two sides of the same coin, they could find solace in each other. instead of whatever...this was. this awkward and passive-aggressive game they were playing. although izzy wasn't really aware that there was one going on. " yeah...? i think that's a good thing too. i agree with you; i think it probably makes the tour more appealing to a broader group of people because like... there isn't–" she almost said there isn't that much overlap between honeydew fans and abernathy hall ones but stops herself. "i mean, an eclectic lineup means more tickets sold, right?"

"   well, it's not really about the money, is it. it's about the art. amazing things can happen with a melding of creative minds like this.   "   meera says, this time not even as some kind of passive-aggressive dig because she's convinced izzy hates her. ninety-five percent of the time, when she talks music, she can't help but bleed genuine. she falters, a little, in her defensiveness, because really, she's grateful to be on the tour and here with izzy even if izzy hates her and to be able to make music, even music that makes her feel like she's slowly going insane instead of following her dreams. not that anyone, least of all izzy, cared about that.   "   and you guys are great, so. people would probably still come if the rest of us were shit.   "    it's half olive branch, half test. no, meera, you guys aren't shit! would come out of the mouth of anyone who liked her and honeydew. 

meera's voice sent yewande into a panic. she woke up so hungover that she couldn't drag her finger to google and find the nearest flower shop -- to fulfill her plan, of course, of sending meera the gaudiest, most ostentatious apology bouquet she could afford. how could last night have happened! meera was their new sister! still, they tried to play it cool. "of course, babes, should we find a spot on the daybeds or the terrace?" of course they caught meera's reference. they took the tea, leading meera to the one untouched corner of their dressing room. "seriously, though, you're a lifesaver with this. i'm feeling pretty shit after last night, and i don't just mean the hangover. i meant to find you first, i'm really quite sorry about the fuss. i mean, the bite did hurt, but i know spot didn't mean it."

meera grits her teeth and forces a smile, a little bit of her peace-loving sheen gone after yewande just had to mention the bite. sure, spot had teeth and yewande had skin and they were in the same room at the same time, but that didn't mean a bite had occured. meera assures herself that yewande is just fixated on the possibility being a reality, and it's better to let things go. or at least, not confront them directly. " right. i'm sure everything was just really confusing and overwhelming and we don't really know how it all went down, so, spot and i are ready to put this all behind us if you are. it's why i was coming over here. we've worked together so far, and i don't want that to go to waste. " she's softened now, because she really does mean it that she wants to get along with yewande. the bite hadn't happened, but she knows spot can be... defensive of her sometimes, so him moving his head forward might have really seemed like it. " but my mum always said there's nothing a good cup of tea and a big hug can't fix. and i already hugged spot like six times this this morning, so— " she wraps her arms tightly around yewande, careful not to spill the drink in the process.

izzy was now just confused. she didn't think anything she said to meera had any sort of hidden meaning or any real meaning at all. it might sound insensitive, and it probably was, but izzy really wasn't thinking of meera. even when she was talking to her directly, izzy's head was somewhere else. living in her imagination, thinking about how nice it'd be to be somewhere else. anywhere else. "i don't know what you're talking about, i was just saying how i don't dance." she's almost tempted to say it's not that deep but even she's aware of how that would come across. "um...yeah, there are different personalities and genres. isn't that kind of the whole point of this?" how in the world was izzy still not getting it? maybe she just needed the fact that meera thought she didn't like her to be explicitly stated because right now, the guitarist was just confused.

despite the fact that izzy was not thinking of her, meera is thinking of everything, ever. she always is when she gets like this: when positivity falters and friendliness fails, she feels like the insecure teenager she was a decade ago. it's like izzy is someone who doesn't want to sit with meera at lunch. it's silly, and she knows it, but she still feels all bristled and on edge. what was the reason for shading honeydew, exactly? what was her problem with meera? she straightens her back and tries to sound casual, though there's still an embittered edge to the most pronouced syllables.   "   yeah, i was just saying the same thing. everyone's got loads of differences. people like certain things and people and types of music, and other people don't. so. it's good we've got such an ecclectic group.   "

if izzy had known how she was coming off to meera, she probably would've at least tried to adjust something in her tone and behavior and felt a bit guilty. but she was honestly just too caught up in her own head to think about something like that. even though izzy wasn't completely there at the party, her mind always racing, she could sense the shift in meera's demeanor. maybe if she had been paying closer attention to the party and meera instead of her thoughts, she would've noticed it sooner. "uh...okay?" izzy says with an awkward laugh. the irony is that it's izzy holding herself hostage, not meera. but how can izzy even express that? especially when they're about to embark on a massive world tour? "i mean, i don't know what you mean by that but like okay."

"   i mean, the same thing you meant, i think.   "   ever the pacifist, even meera's rare more venomous moments are usually more passive-aggressive or tearful than fury-filled, and this moment is no exception. she's dry-eyed, taking the tight-voiced, prim-dispositioned route instead.    "   lots of different people and types of music and personalities on tour, is all.   "   she's stiff, but backing down from the fight, clearly losing steam. truth be told: she'd rather be where izzy was. and maybe more than actual offense at what the other woman said, it's jealousy, or annoyance that izzy has reminded her of that fact in this moment, when five seconds ago meera'd been on top of the world.    "   some of us are in honeydew, some of us wouldn't...   dance with a gun to our head.   "   she's not sure if she's disparaging herself or defending herself or simply finding a way to blame the entire tiff on izzy's wallflower sensibilities. maybe all of it. but she knows one thing for sure: this girl does not like her. 

to be honest, however impermanent the other factors of her new life may be, meera wishes rock had said almost anything else. but of course they thought that. the britneys went way back, and they'd always been friends. they'd always had one another. meera had never really had anyone long-term. the weight of becoming close with her groupmates out of her own desire to connect and a need for the group to succeed already weighed on her. now, it felt like that weight had tripled. like it was the most important thing of all.   "   how do you guys do it? like, stay so close without the pressures of everything affecting it? it's admirable. really.   "

meera was really confused, because kennedy had in fact not promised to walk spot, but one look back and forth between the douchey looking guy chatting to her and kennedy and she gets at least some of the picture.   "   oh yeah, i'm really mad. he peed in tate mcrae's purse and now she's not talking to me.   "   moaned meera, who had never even spoken to tate mcrae in the first place. she grabs kennedy's arm and pulls her for a second in the opposite direction of mr. label, keeping the theatrics as on as possible.   "   we need to move this discussion somewhere with...   less of this guy.   "    well, meera was definitely still drunk, even if the rescue mission had been a success. trying her best not to collapse into giggles, she whisks kennedy away.