mostly because i think i get the life i don't deserve. i am trying to be a good daughter but my narcissistic egocentric selfish parents only care about themselves. my siblings are messed up and literally sampah masyarakat. i get my act together but i am spending millions on therapy to be able to get through this life.
it's not just in my head.
one iftar in ramadan, my mom cooked chicken. and it has 2 thighs. my sister ate one, and my brother claimed the other before he went sholat maghrib. when he came back, my father ate the thigh. my brother SIGHED and my father went kesurupan. paha ayam dilempar & dia nyumpah-nyumpahin abang gue. abang gue cuma kaya "hhhh" gitu doang menghela nafas padahal.
this morning my mom went downstairs to ask me to drive her to pasar tp gue lg masak. she woke my brother up. my brother got up but he sat for a while then went to the bathroom to freshen himself and my mother sat there while ngomel-ngomel "lelet banget sih, orang tuh kalo dibangunin harus langsung siap sedia dong". well i mean nobody wants to be driven by an half-conscious person and usually she's the one who took the longest time to get ready.
one time my sister told my parents that she hated dimarahin, karena kan bisa bilang baik-baik. and my father said "jadi anak emang harus terima dimarahin, biarpun kadang yang salah orang tua. nanti kalian marah-marahnya pas udah jadi orang tua. semua ada gilirannya." and not gonna lie i wished he was dead.
another one, my father said she hated najwa shihab and those woke activists. he said that he was orang jaman dulu and patriarchy was the right way of living. women shouldn't have that much power. my father is the most red of red flags.
and i was once nyembah-nyembah dia sambil nangis-nangis because i needed him to listen to me. i reminded him that i was his daughter and if he loved me he would listen to me more than he would think of what people would think and he yelled at me "pokoknya gabisa. kan kita hidup sama tetangga, saudara, orang-orang." and that day he was dead to me.
my mother wasn't a saint either. one time my brother drank from her tumbler and she went tantrum teriak-teriak "ih jijik" repeatedly and she was so mad that my brother was too afraid to speak.
another one, when my sister did something wrong, my mother would give her a silent treatment. she wouldn't respond to anything my sister said and then went to me laughing "tadi adek ngomong tp ga kurespons apa2" like a child.
or, my mother likeees to shame my father. one time she told us she was disgusted by my father's cup because it's never washed "apa ga jijik ya, kan bisa dicuci gitu loh, atau ditaruh di tempat cuci piring nanti ada yg cuciin" and when i told her "ya makanya dicuciin dong", she gave me silent treatment.
dude i can go on and on to list all the things my parents had wronged me and ruined my life. and maybe i will.
and those are just verbals. there are the physical abuse too. i shared my days of getting beaten up until bleeding. i have every right to hate my parents. and i do. i am not sorry about it. i wish i don't and i've done fighting the hate. i am embracing it. i hate it. it's not right.
and that's why i am angry a lot. i used to be all denial, thinking i shouldn't be angry and i shouldn't hate my parents. now i know that i should. some people are just horrible. and i am learning to accept it.
my therapist said some people are bad, some things are bad, and there will be more bad things to come as many as the good things to come. "being fine" doesn't mean i would live in a world where everything is always good (that's heaven, if i am a good enough person), instead "being fine" as human is being okay with life as is.
and i am trying to accept the world seapa-adanya. and it's not easy. but it's gonna be worth it.
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