mcconville

On August 1st, I sat and watched the Milwaukee Brewers take on the Los Angeles Dodgers at Dodger Stadium. California Love came blasting over the speakers, sending the crowd into a frenzy. It just made so much sense- a sport of the people bolstered by a local soundtrack.

It made me think about ballpark music, which is in desperate need of a refresh. What if teams were limited to musical artists from their area? Let’s say within a 25 mile radius of the stadium. Who would have the best in between inning experience? Which team would suffer the most? I’ll be arbitrarily using a quick  “bands from ____” and “musical acts from____” Google search, so you know my research will be sloppy and have tons of holes and omissions.

I’ll also be considering that this list is about music that gets the crowd going. It’s about mass appeal. B-sides and rarities are great, but not in front of 20,000 fans hoping the opposition will hit into a double play or getting jacked up about their reliever coming in to close things out. This is about raw, powerful mega-hits, but I probably won’t be able to resist throwing in some curveballs.

Let me also say this- there’s probably many legendary groups and artists that I’m missing here. I’ll admit my blindspots now- I’m sure there’s some killer polka artists that hail from Chicago and some excellent mariachi music from Anaheim and the list probably goes on and on. There are probably amazing local bands that deserve their due. Again, I’m just looking at “bands from ______” Google search results for a minute and making a call.

Here’s the American League. We’ll see what the National League holds later.

15. Kansas City Royals

NOTABLE MUSICAL ACTS FROM KANSAS CITY, MISSOURI: Charlie Parker, Count Basie, Big Joe Turner, The Kansas City Symphony, The Get Up Kids, Puddle Of Mudd

Look, Kansas City has an undeniable jazz and blues history, but that’s not going to inspire Royals fans much. It’s also a terrible sign when Google lists The Kansas City Symphony as one of the top bands from Kansas City. Big trouble in KC.

14. Baltimore Orioles

NOTABLE MUSICAL ACTS FROM BALTIMORE, MARYLAND: Tori Amos, Dan Deacon, Beach House, Wye Oak, Phillip Glass, Sisqo

While I’d love to hear Phillip Glass at a ballpark organ for selfish reasons, Baltimore is sorely lacking in any sort of anthemic anything. I’m not sure what Silent All These Years playing at top volume with two outs in the bottom of the 8th would inspire. Thong Song over and over? I dig Beach House and Wye Oak, but probably not at Camden Yards.

13. Tampa Bay Rays

Notable bands from Tampa Bay, Florida: Deicide, Obituary, Iced Earth, Trans-Siberian Orchestra, The Outlaws

While one could make an argument that nothing would whip a crowd into a frenzy more than an all metal playlist, this would likely be a terrible musical night at the ballpark. No one’s singing along to anything and kids aren't dancing for the camera while Obituary’s “Chopped In Half” is playing.  At least you’re indoors, and out of the humidity?

12. Los Angeles Angels

NOTABLE MUSICAL ACTS FROM ANAHEIM, CALIFORNIA: No Doubt, Gwen Stefani, Social Distortion, Aquabats, Offspring, Save Ferris, Reel Big Fish

Well, guess what… Anaheim is more that 25 miles from Long Beach, Los Angeles, and most of the spots that generated the music you might associate with Southern California, so, I hope you like Spiderwebs, Hollaback Girl, and the trombone-filled 1990s pop-punk. Shoutout to Social Distortion, who I enjoy, but probably aren’t getting a ton of ballpark love.

11. Texas Rangers

NOTABLE MUSICAL ACTS FROM ARLINGTON, TEXAS: Pantera, Pentatonix.

NOTABLE MUSICAL ACTS FROM DALLAS, TEXAS: Dixie Chicks, Demi Lovato, Old 97′s, Reverend Horton Heat, Edie Brickell and New Bohemians, Drowning Pool, Stevie Ray Vaughan.

Technically, Dallas is within 25 miles, but that doesn’t really help things here. If the Texas Rangers could only play music from Pantera and Pentatonix, I would love to see the crowd reaction.

The expansion to Dallas gets you “Let The Bodies Hit The Floor” which might get a crowd on their feet in a general “pump everyone up” sense. While he’s from Dallas, Stevie Ray Vaughan cut his teeth in Austin... SRV is a huge influence on me, but I’m not sure he’s gonna amp up Rangers fans. 

10. Cleveland Indians

NOTABLE MUSICAL ACTS FROM CLEVELAND, OHIO: Nine Inch Nails, James Gang, Joe Walsh, Bone Thugs-n-Harmony, The Moonglows, Filter, Marc Cohn

I will concede that Nine Inch Nails is a massive band, but probably not appropriate for the family atmosphere of Major League Baseball. Filter’s “Hey Man, Nice Shot” is probably an under-utilized stadium anthem. “Life’s Been Good To Me” has a killer opening riff, which would be a good quick clip between batters. James Gang’s “Walk Away” has an inadvertent baseball theme- play that every time an Indian gets walked, and you’re maybe getting inside the heads of the opposition. I expected more out of Cleveland.

9. Oakland Athletics

NOTABLE MUSICAL ACTS FROM OAKLAND, CALIFORNIA: Tower of Power, Tony! Toni! Toné!, The Pointer Sisters, Digital Underground, En Vogue, The Coup, MC Hammer, 

Boy, maybe I’m missing something here, and maybe it has to do with San Francisco being so close, but this is a pretty thin roster of Oakland musical acts. “Never Gonna Get It” is psychology 101 for a stadium- Every time the opposing team strikes out, just play 10 seconds of this stone cold classic. Or, “Can’t Touch This” would also work very well. But I had higher hopes for Oakland, and if the internet is to be believed, there just isn’t a lot of music that claims Oakland as home.

8. Boston Red Sox

NOTABLE MUSICAL ACTS FROM BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS: Aerosmith, The Pixies, Boston, The Cars, Bel Biv Devoe, Mighty Mighty Bosstones, The Breeders, New Kids On The Block, Dresden Dolls, Godsmack

A deep roster gets Boston this high on the list. I just think there’s enough of a catalog here that you’re going to be flush with rousing songs. It seems highly dated to me, which is maybe why Boston isn’t higher. I know a lot of this music, but I don’t own any of it, which is a bad sign. Also, not a ton of modern stuff coming out of Boston if the internet is to be believed.

7. Houston Astros

NOTABLE MUSICAL ACTS FROM HOUSTON, TEXAS: Beyonce, Destiny’s Child, ZZ Top, Kenny Rogers, Geto Boys, UGK, Solange, Robert Ellis

Based on Beyonce and Destiny’s Child alone, Houston comes way up on the list. Also, I think ZZ Top’s got a deep playlist of underrated stadium clout. I just think between these two juggernauts and the hip-hop scene in Houston, you’d be ok at an Astros game. Also, this is a great time to mention Robert Ellis. I think he’s great.

6. Toronto Blue Jays

NOTABLE MUSICAL ACTS FROM TORONTO, ONTARIO, CANADA: Drake, Rush, Broken Social Scene, Cowboy Junkies, Barenaked Ladies, Peaches

Based on the 1-2 punch of Drake and Rush, you’ve got yourself a healthy portion of stadium anthems and absolute bangers that will get the very polite crowd on their feet. I’ll also say this- I’m not familiar with the bulk of the bands listed in my Google search. Seems to me that a lot of Canadian music must go through Toronto, so maybe Toronto belongs higher on this list? But if bands like Fucked Up or PUP are great, they haven’t made it to my ears.

I’d also love to hear Fuck The Pain Away during Kiss Cam.

5. Seattle Mariners

NOTABLE MUSICAL ACTS FROM SEATTLE, WASHINGTON: Nirvana, Soundgarden, Pearl Jam, Alice In Chains, Sir Mix-A-Lot, Macklemore, Jimi Hendrix, Fleet Foxes, Band Of Horses, Heart, Presidents Of The United States Of America, Foo Fighters

I think the grunge era produced some amazing music, and I certainly grew up on it. But it’s pretty one-note up in the Pacific Northwest overall. I also don’t know how much inspiration you can draw as an athlete or a fan from the hits off Dirt or In Utero. They’re also 30 years old at this point...

This also feels like there’s got to be more to the Seattle music scene that a cursory Google search isn’t revealing to me.

Macklemore and Sir Mix-a-Lot is an ok hip-hop offering, but I think I’d like more.

However, I think Foo Fighters (if you’re really going to say they’re from Seattle, Google) single-handedly put Seattle above some of these other cities. There’s just no greater modern stadium rock band currently.

4. Minnesota Twins

NOTABLE MUSICAL ACTS FROM MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA: Prince and everyone else.

Look, you could just play songs that Prince wrote, recorded, produced, and otherwise had anything to do with, and you’d have a hell of a ballgame. “Let’s Go Crazy” and “1999″ alone are grounds to just leave Minneapolis alone on the list without mentioning another Twin Cities band.

However, there’s also The Replacements and Husker Du, which might be fun at a ballpark despite their lack of mass appeal. You’ve also got Rhymesayers- Atmosphere and Brother Ali are KILLER hip-hop acts. 

3. Chicago White Sox

NOTABLE MUSICAL ACTS FROM CHICAGO, ILLINOIS: Chicago, Kanye West, Chance The Rapper, Lupe Fiasco, Wilco, Earth Wind and Fire, Common, Muddy Waters, Smashing Pumpkins, Sam Cooke, Styx, Ministry, OK GO, Curtis Mayfield, Wesley Willis

This is tough.

Kanye is divisive as it gets, but he’s one of the only people out there currently writing songs that will get a stadium on their feet. 

At 25, Chance The Rapper already has a huge library of bangers, plus a tremendous amount of Chicago pride.

Earth Wind and Fire are probably playing in an MLB stadium somewhere right now as you’re reading this.

There’s a dearth of rock here- Wilco is my favorite band, but I don’t think they have a song that could be played at a sporting event that would inspire. Styx is probably too weird, Ministry’s too out there, and The Smashing Pumpkins feel very dated at this point. “25 or 6 to 4″ from Chicago might get some old-timers going and inspire some civic feelings. There’s a deep roster here that I’m likely overlooking, so I think Chicago deserves top three status.

I’d also love to hear Chicken Cow or Aftab Noorani by Wesley Willis while a pitcher warms up.

2. Detroit Tigers

NOTABLE MUSICAL ACTS FROM DETROIT, MICHIGAN: Stevie Wonder, The Jackson Five, The Temptations, The Supremes, The White Stripes, MC5, The Four Tops, Eminem, Parliament Funkadelic, Bob Seger, Aretha Franklin, J Dilla, 

Maybe nothing needs to be said. As much as the Prince catalog catapults Minneapolis, Detroit’s got Motown, a killer hip-hop history, and the ultimate modern arena anthem, "Seven Nation Army” by Mr. Jack White.

The depth of this bench is unreal, but it does seem a bit dated. Motown’s influence is undeniable, but some of the songs are pushing 50 years old. That said, you could just do a Stevie Wonder night at Comerica Park and never get bored. I think Detroit is going to take good care of your ears. Which is good, because the baseball is pretty stinky.

1. New York Yankees

NOTABLE MUSICAL ACTS FROM NEW YORK, NEW YORK: Jay-Z, Notorious B.I.G., Beastie Boys, Sonic Youth, Talking Heads, The Ramones, Blondie, Velvet Underground, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, The Strokes, Vampire Weekend, Living Colour, Blood Sweat & Tears, Kiss, Helmet, Anthrax, 50 Cent, Alicia Keys, Neil Diamond

This is stupid. Of course the Yankees, the team that’s got more championships than anyone else by a long shot, has more music available in their area than any other city in the majors. It’s cold comfort that they have to share with the Mets. 

“Blitzkrieg Bop” is as bad-ass as it gets for stadium anthems.

LONG-WINDED HIGH CLASS PROBLEM ALERT When I moved to LA, my dad and I hopped in my Subaru and left the Twin Cities for California. It was October 2002. I’m bad with time- I don’t remember how many days it took, but I remember Nebraska being insufferably large and Utah looking like the moon. I had ZERO plan about what I’d do when I got to LA. I wasn’t sure that I wanted to do comedy, or play music, or act, or really do anything at all. I also didn’t really know a lot of people. The only thing I knew was that I should probably get a regular job. Maybe two, just to be safe. OK, three jobs, considering the cost of living. My plan, if you can call it one, was to make money for a while and figure the rest out later. This was a stupid idea.

My dad took me to Bed, Bath, and Beyond and bought me a spaghetti pot. He seemed to think that was a vital piece of kitchenware, and I can’t say that he was wrong. I still have it. He probably took my then girlfriend and I to a meal or two before flying back to Minneapolis. We also probably went to a beach of some kind. It’s all fuzzy.

In his last moments in town, he gave me some collectable coins. He told me that if I’m ever in a real bind, I could sell them. It was a very sweet thing to do, and I don’t want to sound like an ingrate in paragraphs to come. I appreciated the gesture then and I still do today.

I was either never in a bind, or I found other ways out any number of binds, but I still have those coins- Some are in a commemorative binder. A few are in little hard plastic cases. Some are just in a weird plastic tube that maybe had film in it at some point. It sounds like a ton of coins- it isn't. My dad isn’t a pirate. All told, it’s probably 20 or 30 total coins. Highlights include binder of circulated quarters from the 40s and 50s and a 1984 Olympics medallion of some kind. I am trying desperately to get rid of things these days. Stuff sits and collects dust and I never use any of it. Sometimes, I forget that I even have some of the stuff I’ve got because it’s just in a drawer that I never open. I am Marie Kondo-ing the hell out of closets and cabinets. When I found those coins, I figured it might be time to say goodbye.

I didn’t want to just throw them in the trash because they’re made of precious metals, so I started looking up how much these coins might be worth. I thought maybe I’d sell these bad boys to a collector and use the money for some higher purpose. 

I’m not sure what kind of bind my father thought I might get into, but it must have been the kind of bind that can be solved with an afternoon at the arcade; those quarters are pretty much just quarters. The Olympics coin has barely increased in value over the years. None of them are worthless, but this is not a treasure trove, either. These coins are not worth enough to justify keeping them with the hopes that the value will increase over time, and the sorts of people that might be interested in these coins are going to offer a fraction of what they’re worth.

A ruthless cleaner might just take what money they could get for these coins and move on. While I am pretty ruthless about some of the stuff I need to jettison, the coins are different. Like that spaghetti pot, these coins will probably be with me forever. When I was a lost and confused young man making a giant leap of faith, my dad made a kind and thoughtful gesture to try to ease the stress of the unknown. They’ll always be a symbol of my father’s unquestioning and unconditional support.