aisie

this animal. as "Axe-oh-lottle"

the term 'axolotl' comes from Nahuatl, the language of the Nahua people (or the aztecs, for the uninitiated). it is derived from atl (water) and xolotl (one of the gods in the pantheon). in nahua, x's make a 'sh' sound, not a 'ks' sound. and when you have a 'tl' at the end of the word, it is best to just omit the l (since, in english it does not flow very naturally to make the Proper sound)

with this knowledge, we realize that the word 'axolotl' is actually pronounced "ash-o-lot" and Not "axe-oh-lottle"

anyway. thats my tedtalk

sincerely,

so 'nahuatl' is pronounced 'na-wat' not 'na-how-tle'

this animal. as "Axe-oh-lottle"

the term 'axolotl' comes from Nahuatl, the language of the Nahua people (or the aztecs, for the uninitiated). it is derived from atl (water) and xolotl (one of the gods in the pantheon). in nahua, x's make a 'sh' sound, not a 'ks' sound. and when you have a 'tl' at the end of the word, it is best to just omit the l (since, in english it does not flow very naturally to make the Proper sound)

with this knowledge, we realize that the word 'axolotl' is actually pronounced "ash-o-lot" and Not "axe-oh-lottle"

anyway. thats my tedtalk

sincerely,

so 'nahuatl' is pronounced 'na-wat' not 'na-how-tle'

*strong air whooshing*

Dick: *whoop* alllriiiight, i see you guys! comin' down!

Tim, grumbling: 'bout time.

*faint metal snips*

Dick: yeah yeah, i'll never be good enough for you, *grunt* *impact against concrete* okay, so.......

*silence*

Dick, intensely baffled: .......what the everloving fuck're you two doing?

Damian, impatient: *faint metal snipping* what does it look like?

Tim: we figured it would just be quicker to do it here while waiting rather than have to stay up later after patrol and do it then.

*silence* *metal snipping*

Dick: Damian. what the fuck.

*absence of snips*

Damian: *sigh* what?

*silence for 3 seconds*

Damian: you're ridiculous. *snipping resumes*

Tim: he's been cutting my hair since like. he first came to Gotham, Dick. how are you this surprised?

Damian: stop moving your head.

Tim: sorry.

Dick, awestruck: you mean this is a regular thing between you two?! HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN START?

Tim: i dunno... my hair was really long. he wanted to apologise for trying to kill me. as it turns out he can cut hair really well. it just kinda... happened. cheaper i guess.

Damian: *over metal snipping* yeah 'cause you never would have been able to afford it.

Tim: oi.

Dick: you can't- you can't seriously tell me Damian's been giving out patrol haircuts for the past few years and I've never heard of it before,

Damian: don't be ridiculous.

Tim: yeah, we've only had the free time to do it on patrol like, four times. usually we just do it in his room.

Dick: what the fu- YOU'RE TELLING ME YOU'VE BEEN GETTING COMPLIMENTS ON YOUR BARBER FOR THE PAST THREE YEARS AND IT'S BEEN BECAUSE OF THIS? HOW DOES DAMIAN KNOW HOW TO CUT HAIR THIS GOOD?!?!

Damian: what, you think akhi learnt how to style that ridiculous post-lazarus haircut all by himself? when he first came out of the pit he was mostly catatonic; i was the only person actually bothering to take care of him like a person.

Dick: ....you're telling me you learnt how to style peoples hair because you were using newly-resurrected Jason as your male barbie?

*silence*

Damian, decisively: yes.

Tim: it's called a ken, you mollusc.

*silence*

*even more silence*

Damian: ok, Drake, give me your phone so i can take a video; see if you're happy with this.

Dick's voice, distant, coming from Damian's com: -with like, some roast potatoes. maybe some gravy...

Alfred, equally distant: of course, Master Richard.

Dick, delirious: they were tryna'- tryna put Tim in a bath.

Alfred, placating: were they now?

Dick: he does- he needs it Alfred. he's like a stray cat. he needs the bath.

Alfred, tired: yes, Master Richard. count backwards from ten.

Tim: i hope he drowns in his own fucking blood.

Jason: *snickers* he on that good shit.

Tim: Robin, are you coming back out or staying with Wing? i could use your help over here, it's kinda busy.

Damian: Father is staying with him, so i shall come back out. Batman, do you need any more assistance?

Bruce: not so fast. Robin, Red Robin, Hood; what happened?

*silence*

Robin: it feels unfair for you to do this when i'm the only one that has to look you in the eye.

Jason: sacrificed.

Damian, instant: fuck you Jason-

Bruce: BOYS.

*silence*

Bruce: what. happened.

Tim: *tentative* ...Nightwing got stabbed, i feel like that's self-explanatory...?

Bruce: *intimidating Batman voice* Nightwing was undergoing a routine takedown when he was injured so heavily that he has been forcefully knocked out to undergo surgery. do you three understand how serious this is? Dick is skilled enough that this would not have happened unless he was being sufficiently distracted, and you three certainly seemed to be acting unprofessional when i joined your line. so i will ask again. what happened.

*tense silence for 5 seconds*

Jason: ....talk about toxic,

Tim: -you really just expect Nightwing to be that skilled all the time-?

Jason: what, is he not allowed to make mistakes? talk about fucking pressure; that poor kid's expected to be perfect at all times-

Tim: -no wonder his blood pressure is through the roof- B you really need to re-evaluate your priorities regarding your children like come on,

Damian: *quiet snort*

Bruce: OI.

*abrupt silence*

Bruce, seething: i swear to you, i am at the end. of my tether. Red Hood and Red Robin, come back to the cave.

Jason: ...ok well no,

Tim: yeah not after that? what are we, stupid?

Bruce: *large intake of breath* ....ok then. we'll do this the hard way.

Bruce: Timothy Jackson Drake-Wayne, if you are not in this cave within the next twenty minutes, then i will hire Damian as your personal secretary at WE, and every time you need something done for you, you'll have to convince him to agree to taking orders from you. Damian, if you do not comply with this, then Titus will be put up for adoption.

Damian: ex-CUSE me?

Tim: HOLD ON- HOLD ON?

Jason: *evil chuckle* oooooh, that's brutal,

Bruce: and Jason... *trails off*

Jason, suddenly gleeful: yeah, go on. tell me one single thing you have to hold over my head. i dare you.

*silence*

Tim, grumbling: s' some bullshit,

Jason: i'm waitin', B.

*silence*

Damian: he has nothing, i can see it in his face.

Jason: fuckin' knew it,

Bruce: -i'll ground Damian to the manor for six months.

Jason: ...eh?

Damian, indignant: WHAT THE HELL.

Bruce: unless you join us in the cave, Damian will be unable to leave the manor for anything except school, for the next six months. which means if you want to see him, you will also have to be at the manor.

*silence*

*more silence*

Jason, definitively: Ra's was right. caring about people is a weakness.

~burst of static~ ~fast forwarding noises~

Bruce: now; what happened.

Jason: *sigh* we were playing league days. goldie joined the line half-way through the round, so he didn't understand what the fuck we were talking about. my guess is he decided trying to get context was more important than not getting stabbed, so it's not really our fault,

Tim: -yeah, like when Damian was listening to a podcast during a weapon shipment raid and he ended up with thirty stitches. you didn't blame the podcast hosts for that, did you?

Damian: i'm gonna set you on fire for bringing that up- don't you flip me- FATHER HE'S FLIPPING ME OFF.

Bruce: can you two just- just stop. for once.

Tim: i can't be blamed for having high amounts of energy right now. i'm still reeling from actually winning the round.

Bruce: yeah- Dick was mumbling something about steak and pizza rolls on the drive to the cave, what was that about?

Jason: oh, i told Timmers here that if he fucked up the round then next gala hosted at the manor he would have to interrupt whatever speech you gave by riding the old antique bathtub from guest room twelve down the stairs while it was full of water. Dickie-boy was a little confused about what kind of stakes we meant, so,

Damian, absently murmuring: well he's dyslexic, we can't blame him.

Jason: exactly, he's- *abrupt wheeze* *cackles*

Bruce: ...*tired sigh* ok. i'm going to need you to go through what happened, clearly and concisely. can any of you, with your intense training under various detectives and experts, manage that?

Tim: i mean i don't know what you'll gain from this but ok-,

Damian: it is not complicated, Father. i believe Grayson simply became confused about the nature of the prompt.

Bruce: which was?

Damian: ...whether or not it is true that Grandfather's birthday gift to me when i turned nine was Jeff Harmening kissing my boot and offering me his personal pet iguana.

*silence*

Jason: Jeff's the CEO of Totino's, so...

Tim: i mean he's the CEO of General Mills; Totino's by itself doesn't have a CEO, it's a part of a group of brands all owned by the same company that Harmening has been running since twenty-sevent-,

Jason: oh WOW what a gleaming well of information you have there Replacement. such wisdom. it's so sexy you must be drowning in pussy-,

Damian: *wheezes*

Bruce, affronted: JASON.

Tim, flatly: ...you are no longer my brother.

Jason: *evil snickers* look B, it's not that wild of a story. back when Damian was little he went through a phase where he wanted to try junk food-,

Damian: -because you told me if i didn't then my immune system would be weak to 'civillian food' and withot a tolerance i would die the moment i set foot in a modern city-

Jason: yeah, whatever- so Talia told Ra's he had to be nice to Day for his ninth birthday, and Ra's doesn't know what that kind of terminology means, so when i had personal guard duty in his chambers he told me that since i was 'freakishly emotional just like the little runt' that i should just pick something for him to get myself. so i said, 'well why don't you get him Totino's pizza rolls, because he's wanted to try that for a while now and i just haven't been on a mission anywhere that has them', and Ra's gave this weird little grunt and then told me to fuck off and check on the donkeys or something; i don't remember.

Tim: -i want it to be recognised that i had to listen to this story for the first time from Damian, completely alone on patrol with nobody else on the line but Jason, who kept trying to drink his slushie while laughing so hard he was breathing in chunks of ice. i want praise for keeping my cool.

Damian: keeping your cool- no wonder your nose is naturally so big; spouting shit like that all the time,

Jason: *cackles*

Tim, offended: i- what? my nose isn't- B my nose isn't that big is it?! B???

Bruce: *gritted* boys. keep on track.

Damian: *sigh* well, on my birthday Mother was called away for a potential league uprising emergency and she needed akhi's personal agents to help her. of course, since they only answer to Jason, he had to go with her, and after promising to celebrate my birthday the day they got back, i was left with Grandfather. who apparently decided to hit two birds with one stone. he said that i was safer outside of the compound until Mother returned victorious and decided my birthday would be spent personally visiting my present.

Jason: *still struggling not to laugh* thing is, Ra's sense of geography was very outdated, and at this point Dami's like, hardly ever left the desert. only city he knew well was Nanda Parbat from when me and my buddies would smuggle him into the bars for an evening. so those two together alone in fuckin' Minnesota? trying to get a sense of direction?

Damian, unimpressed: yeah. it took us like, a while. eventually we got it though, which was where i found out Grandfather had taken Jason's suggestion way too seriously and bought me the brand Totino's, rather than a box of microwavable pizza rolls. he then to establish dominance over his new 'underlings', demanded the CEO kiss my boot.

Jason, absent: -and then tried to get you to-

Damian: -and then tried to get me to take his iguana, yes. which i denied. because Jeff was crying and i felt bad.

Jason: *snort*

*a long stretch of silence*

Jason: ...so, B. yay or nay? truth or lie?

*a beat*

Bruce: -huh? what- no, Jason, i'm not playing the game. the entire point of this was to get you to realise how dangerous getting distracted by these trivial little games is while on patrol. both for you and your brothers!

Tim: so you don't wanna know if that whole story was bullshit or not? i mean it's a grown man kissing your nine year old-

Damian, quietly: on the boot,

Tim: -which is objectively weirder,

Bruce: fine then. well? was it true?

Jason: ...oh we aren't fucking telling you until you guess.

*a beat*

Bruce: *incredulous* Jason-

Damian: he's right, Father. you have to play.

Bruce: i am not encouraging this-!

Jason: *tongue click* ok well, i'm just saying Tim actually got it right; so like, if you don't also get it right, we're proving right here and now that he's surpassed you in detective skills.

Tim, smug: yeeeeeeee~ bitch,

Jason: come on, what's it gonna be. yay, or nay?

*three seconds of silence*

Bruce, grave: ok that's it. this conversation is over. everybody go take off their suits, we're done. Oracle, you can stand down for the night.

*faint echoing boots* *disconnecting ping*

Tim, quietly: pussy.

Jason: *whispering* fucker's logging off so he can stall, he's just waiting until we go into the changing rooms so he can google who the current main investor of Totino's is.

Damian: jokes on him. i told my stocks and bought a boat years ago.

Tim: ...you did?

Jason, fond: oh yeah, i remember that boat. i lived on that boat for a while, y'no.

Tim: you were in the middle of a desert??

damian covers to the press afterwards that its because of red hoods 'i dont hurt kids' rule and that he'd met the guy a few times in crime alley before he was dumped on bruce's doorstep. gotham's citizens are slightly concerned but honestly? the scary stabby child that's been glaring at them from the corners of parties since he got here with absolutely no backstory or history in gotham turning out to have a past with crime alleys most infamous protector/crime boss? it's a little comforting.

it's less comforting to the bats.

damian, getting out the car after the gala: I don't know what hood was thinking, making me his public ally. he's lucky the simpletons of this city bought that, don't you agree father?

damian: *turns to see the rest of the family staring at him with hard eyes*

damian:

damian: ...what did i do?

everybody's less than pleased that damian withheld the info that red hood is trained and from the LOA, but damian simply maintains that they never asked. when further questioned about why his relationship with hood was so familial and about what his identity is... they get

damian: hood was perhaps my favourite tutor back home, the only one i didn't kill. he taught me many things, from how to poison somebody to famous quotes and sayings from classic literature.

bruce: what. is. his. name.

damian: you know what one of those sayings was? 'snitches get stitches'

dick: *slams his face into the wall*

tim: well you did want him to be more childlike.

they eventually have to move past it because damian won't budge, unfortunately jason is finding this whole scenario fucking hysterical because holy shit he'd thought about coming back and pissing off his family through their secret personas but he hadn't even considered the beauty of coming back and pissing them off through their public personas.

and from then on the entire batfamily has to deal with pretending to be nervous or wary every time the red hood comes and crashes their very real wayne public events. it's fucking incredible. jason can't believe that he was gonna try and beat the shit out of tim to freak out bruce when all he had to do was grab a glass of champagne, walk up to the dude, and ask politely how stocks at WE are doing. 'brucie wayne' has no fucking clue what to do, and jason just poured the champagne against his helmet and let it all fall to the ground and everybody's too scared to say anything.

nobody else bats an eye when red hood becomes an occasional presence at these fancy events, apart from the people who know for a fact they could be on his shitlist. mostly because this is gotham, but also because they know he's a crime lord so like... riches and business running wise he kinda fits the bill for these things anyway? and if the stoic kid of brucie wayne eases up around him then the whole 'i dont hurt kids' thing must ring true so it's not like he'll cause too much trouble. also the guards are too scared to tell him he's not allowed in, so there's that.

the bats hate everything about this. they don't even know what red hoods game is, they have no idea why they're being tortured and they're getting paranoid about it. damian's absolutely no help because he's just happy to 1. get to see his brother on a regular basis again, and 2. get to see his brother find a less self-destructive outlet for the pit rage he's watched jason struggle with for years.

it's also just really fun to watch tim accidentally fall asleep against a wall mid-gala, wake up to red hood's helmet 2 inches from his face, and then almost break his own hand trying to punch it because he forgot that he wasn't in-mask and had to hold back last second.

dick is mostly just indignant because every time red hood shows up and hangs around near damian, damian immediately becomes a picture perfect public persona, interacting with the elites of gotham with the same expertise of tim or bruce. he's so mad that a crime lord can wrangle HIS little brother in public but he can't, that he completely disregards the whole crime lord thing and starts bugging red hood both in and out of mask about how to be a better older brother to damian. at one point he corners red hood on a rooftop mid patrol.

nightwing: ok, seriously, when I asked damian not to be rude to the new investors he told a woman her coat looked like it would hold up in a fight against two-face, but when YOU ask he becomes a model citizen, what is UP with that?

red hood, being an asshole: *gasp* y-you're.... YOU'RE RICHARD GRAYSON?

nightwing:

nightwing: ....oh my god you didn't know?

red hood: no i fucking knew you're just an idiot. and damian listens to me because I'm the only tutor he could never kill and he knows i'll beat his ass with my magic swords.

nightwing:

red hood: and also im the only one at the league who played Just Dance with him so i get special privileges, like telling him what to do.

dick asks damian to play Just Dance with him that night and damian just looks at him all forlorn, like 'it wouldn't be the same without the exhilarating thrill of knowing if anybody catches us hood will be stabbed and thrown in the lazarus pit again as punishment for corrupting me... it was really an unfair punishment considering he replaced grandfather's bed with a plastic pool covered by a sheet once, and the only punishment he got for that was being banned from the family dinners for two weeks'

dick stares at him. damian just adds 'he used to sit outside the window like a dog. watching and occasionally yelling about the injustice. mother gave him a plate of roast potatoes through the window once. grandfather disapproved.'

considering the fact that Jason could be the only person 'in the family' with adverse and lingering affects from being in the Lazarus Pit, and Jason is an incredibly good asset for the League of Assassins to have on-side with his All-Blades and bat-training and new Lazarus strength/size, i think it's fair to say that regardless of how annoying and bitchy Jason is as a person, Ra's could still be smart enough to want Jason to stick around.

I really like the concept of Jason being a singularity within the league. the rest of Ra's family respects him as their leader and treats him professionally, because although he is their father/grandfather, he is still, to them, the Demon's Head. same with everybody else at the league—he's feared and worshipped, or he’s abhorred and viewed as an enemy. there’s no in-between.

apart from Jason.

Jason is a special case. i think it's important to keep in mind that the only other person that Ra's has ever really respected as an equal of some kind is literally Bruce Wayne. the Batman. as his father's son, there's no way Jason didn't pick up on that Wayne stubbornness, and there’s no way he didn’t give Ra’s a run for his money when he showed up at the league. Ra’s sees that genius and sense of strategy in Jason; the only difference is that Jason actually embraces and accepts the concept of being an Al Ghul, doesn’t give a fuck about murder, and manages to expertly carry out all his work/missions while being a complete and utter little shit. with all of that, and the prospect of them bonding over the mental effects of being pit-dipped, i think it’s very easy to imagine the two of them having a weirdly decent grandfather-adopted grandson relationship.

i want them to argue constantly, but also Jason is the only person who Ra’s wouldn’t actually stab for climbing on his throne. or for mocking the fact that he even has a throne. Talia is endlessly frustrated and baffled as to why the fuck those two actually seem to get along sometimes—Jason’s allowed to burst into any confidential meeting he wants, ranting about whatever’s pissed him off lately, and Ra’s will just sneer and tell him to fuck off. anybody else would be shot on sight.

Damian’s torn between relieved and pissed off, because on the one hand Jason constantly fucking with Ra’s and actually getting away with it at least takes the heat off Damian; but on the other hand what the fuck did Jason do to deserve this favouritism? how comes Ra’s lets Jason braid his hair when he can’t sit still during a meeting? how come when Jason breaks into Ra’s bed chambers to demand a larger expense account so he can take the outlaws to vegas for his 18th birthday Ra’s doesn’t toss him in the cells for a weekend—just throws a cushion and lets him take whatever money he wants? it’s clear favouritism, and it’s bullshit.

i don’t just want it to be Ra’s letting Jason get away with stuff though. i think it would be interesting to see the more equal parts of their relationship. I would like to see a Ra’s Al Ghul who actually accepts Jason as one of his heirs, and as somebody who recognises the negative effects of the pit will give half-decent advice on how Jason can deal with it. i want them sharing ways to deal with pit-influenced episodes and hanging out on their off days. Ra’s teaching Jason how to play chess and Jason forcing Ra’s to read with him. Talia walks in on them together in the league library, Ra’s with slices of cucumber over his eyes, head laid back, and Jason with his legs thrown into Ra’s lap while he reads out loud, and she has to just. stop. take a deep breath, and slowly walk out while counting to ten.

there’s something just so endlessly fascinating about the concept of weird morally-grey murder-grandpa Ra’s and his odd, feral, lazarus-dipped grandson Jason.