thea

[The song makes a 'boom' noise as the kid in the jersey points to his friend.]

Kid in jersey: Why're you calling me?

Friend: Bro, I'm gay.

Kid: Shut the fuck up.

Friend: I'm not lying....

Simple. Just wanting to get thin. To be beautiful. To look like a ballerina, or a model. That’s all I thought it was. So, so simple.

Right?

But recently I’ve come to realize- that’s not all this is about. Of course, wanting to be thin is part of it. A big part of it. But there’s more. I’m not just starving myself because I want to lose weight or because I want to be delicate or have prominent collarbones.

I’m starving myself because I want to be loved. But love doesn’t come free, and it so often seems like nobody will ever love me by choice. So I suppose, in a way, you could say that I’m forcing people to love me.

I’m forcing them to worry. To ask if I’ve eaten. If I’m okay. If I had breakfast, if I want their extra granola bar.

“Are you feeling sick?”

“Do you need anything?”

“You should take care of yourself.”

That is what I’m REALLY after. Tell me to eat. Tell me you’re worried about me. Tell me I matter, that I shouldn’t disappear. That I’m beautiful. That I’m wanted. Please tell me.

Being jealous of friends or people who have been severely underweight/ hospitalized

Hundreds of awkward angle body checking photos

Looking at the size of your legs/body in every mirror, reflection, shop window

Being disgusted at watching people eat

Comparing people’s body size and weight to yours before noticing anything else about them

Being obsessed with cooking/dieting/food programmes

The pain of hitting your hip bone on a table

Hating yourself for judging anyone who is healthy or overweight

Being proud of your lowest weight once recovered/weight restored

Eye rolls when anyone without an ED discusses their new diet/weight loss

Eating every tiny bit of a specific calorie portioned food because damn if you’ve counted those calories you are gonna enjoy them

Feeling embarrassed for eating ‘unhealthy’ foods because people assume you eat nothing/survive on lettuce

‘Wow you’re actually eating’ kill me

Not enjoying excercise or wanting to work out

Alternating between being scared of all food and wanting to consume everything in sight

Really horrific awful bad breath (like seriously bad)

One day you’re too scared to eat a tomato the next you eat chocolate without worrying about it

Looking in the mirror after eating and feeling like you gained 20lbs