Tired

There goes another year feeling like I’ve accomplished nothing, maybe I haven’t at all. 

Sometimes I feel like I haven’t changed at all, I feel like I’m still the same pathetic person I have always been. Yes maybe on some days I do better, but on most days I feel as miserable as ever.

It sucks being mistreated, it sucks being second choice, it sucks being a back up plan, it sucks being left out.

I feel so lost, I don’t know what I want. Stuck in the same situation for far too long, I don’t know if this is the new normal. 

I don’t know how sincere I was but that was something I never thought I’d feel. Although it still stings, but I will get there.

We could’ve been together 2 years or more but it’s been more than 2 years since we broke up.

Every time I thought I was okay, I’ll come across something that reminds me of you. Every time I thought I’ve moved on, I’ll find myself thinking of you. Every time I look back, I find myself missing you, more and more. I can’t help but every part of me want to find our way back, every part of me want to just pour my heart out to you, but you probably don’t feel the same.

I never thought I could feel this way, I never thought it was possible to feel so... broken. I never thought I loved you this much, maybe I still do.

7 years old, 12 years old, 17 years old, 22 years old, it’s all too much, I don’t know how much more I can take. 

I may be suicidal, but I never had the courage. I don’t know why but I see those who suicide have courage, the courage to do it, the courage to leave everything behind, the courage to end it once and for all, not being afraid of death, but I am. 

Sometimes I wonder if anyone would miss me? Would my dad be less stubborn? Would my brother treat me as good as his girlfriend? Would my mom regret for shouting at me earlier in the day? Would she have treated me better? Would she regret for life? The thought of her regretting makes me feel better, at least I mattered.

Sad isn’t it? It takes death for someone to realize how much they mean to them? 

Being that person has taught be quite a few things, sometimes it’s not because you have lost feelings or you are fed up with the relationship, though partly it could be the reason, but mainly it’s because you have finally made a decision based on what would make you feel better, instead of how the other person would feel.

More often than not, you have been caring too much the consequences of your actions, how it would affect others, how it would upset them and you end up hurting yourself.