Randomness!

Happy International Women’s Day to all women

You ask me if I hate you, and I can’t believe you still don’t get it.  You think I stopped talking to you because I hate you but you don’t understand that I could never hate you, that I wish I could hate you because then everything would be so much easier, you don’t understand that you could break my heart over and over again and I still wouldn’t be able to hate you.  I stopped talking to you because I’m in love with you and oh god I wish I could tell you that, I wish I could scream “no, I don’t hate you, I love you,  I love you so damn much it hurts” but I can’t because that just opens a door that needs to stay shut, because I’d rather have no love than a love thats only halfway. I’d rather be alone than with someone thats here one day and gone the next. and thats what you were, loving you was like falling in love with the ocean, its so blue and full of life and then suddenly your pulled in and waves are drowning you out and your so deep that the water isn’t blue anymore or green, its just so dark, and theres no sign of life and you don’t understand how something that looks so beautiful can be so deadly.  So I guess the point of this is to let you know that I’m sorry, I’m sorry that I couldn’t even reply to you, I’m sorry that I was always there and now I can’t answer your text to give you some kind of explanation and oh god I just wanna apologize to myself for even wanting to apologize to you because you are never here, because you leave me out in the cold for days and I never get an apology. but I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry I just cant do it anymore. I can’t hold onto something that doesn’t want to be held. I don’t want to be in dark waters anymore, I just want to breathe, and the only way I see that happening is if I’m not swallowing water for you anymore. So I’m sorry that we don’t talk anymore, but I’m also sorry that I felt the need to give you this apology when you probably barely noticed I was no longer there.