Daddy's Home

Hello all, I am writing this at the request of a follower who is a submissive with chronic anxiety issues. As per usual, I want to make clear that I am in no way a trained expert on any of this. These are just my thoughts based on my own experiences as the dominant of a submissive who also suffers from extreme anxiety.

If you spend a lot of time in BDSM, you will no doubt meet a submissive with an anxiety issue. It’s incredibly common in this world. The reason for it seems pretty clear: people with anxiety have trouble getting their minds to calm, and many submissives state that the number one benefit they get out of submission is that their minds are calmed. Given that one of the biggest benefits to submission is exactly what a person with anxiety needs, it should be no surprise that people with chronic anxiety issues find themselves drawn to this lifestyle.

Before I say anything to the dominants themselves, I want to say a quick word to any submissive reading this who may be suffering from anxiety:

Your anxiety is NOT your fault. It does not make you broken. It is a psychological condition, therefore a medical one. It is not your fault any more than it is someone’s fault that they are nearsighted or have bad knees. It’s part of who you are, and you should never let anyone make you feel guilty for it. People with anxiety are often some of the most caring and kind people in the world, and do wonderfully in a D/S dynamic because of the level of focus on your partner that is involved. Putting your focus on your partner is one way to mitigate your anxiety and lessen your suffering.

Now, for any dominants reading this who may be in a relationship with an anxious submissive: I’ve found that most of the same principles you might normally use in d/s apply, but you need to be a bit more careful about the way you apply them. When your submissive has anxiety, clear communication becomes more important than ever. One thing your submissive will always be asking themselves is “what if” ad nauseam. What if my Dom isn’t happy with me? What if my Dom is angry at me? What if I’m not pleasing my Dom enough? Those are the questions that you have to make sure are answered at all times. Never let your submissive have room to doubt your feelings about them.

One thing the follower asked me about in particular was punishments. Punishments and discipline are very common parts of D/S, as we all know. When your submissive has anxiety, there are a couple of things that I’ve found help immensely in this area. For instance, one rule that belovedsangi and I have is that when a punishment is over, all is forgiven. No exceptions. I always remind Sangi of this before I punish (which thankfully isn’t often), so that she knows that there will be no lingering disappointment after the punishment. In this way, the punishment acts as absolution for the both of us. She is cleansed of her transgression, and I am cleansed of my disappointment. After the punishment is a fresh start. This helps her anxiety by eliminating the question of whether or not I have any lingering disappointment. Similarly, after punishments, aftercare is crucial EVEN IF the punishment was not of a physical nature. Even if you just had your submissive write lines, or stand in a corner, or do chores, you still need to perform aftercare. In the case of punishments, aftercare will often take the form of cuddling and telling your submissive how proud you are of them, and providing reassurance that all is forgiven.

Some other things to bear in mind when your submissive has anxiety issues:

Make sure you always let your submissive know where you are and when you will see them again so they aren’t left wondering and worrying.

Make sure you always show your submissive that they are the first one on your mind.

Always explain yourself to your anxious submissive. One thing that anxious people do is that they will basically rapid-fire possibilities to themselves as to why a certain thing happened, and they do nothing but stress themselves out. I always make sure Sangi understands why I do the things that I do.

Make sure your submissive understands that you are aware of and accepting of their anxiety. Make it very clear that their anxiety is not an inconvenience to you.

Many anxious subs will see their anxiety increase immensely in crowds or public places. Make sure to always keep a reassuring hand on them in public so that they know they are safe and secure. A hand on the waist or shoulder, or even just taking their hand in yours, can go a long way towards making them feel less anxious.

Never let your temper get the better of you. No dominant should ever lash out in anger, but it’s even more important when your submissive has anxiety. Always approach your anxious sub with a calm and measured demeanor.

Sometimes your submissive will be having particularly high anxiety, but won’t be able to explain it to you. For those situations, Sangi and I have a code word that she can say that basically lets me know “I’m freaking out and need yo to take extra care of me right now”. It’s not a bad idea, as trying to communicate her anxiety can often add to the anxiety.

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