Finally Thought Of A Name

Those names had been seared into his brain the moment his mother surrendered him. The day his dad died he knew he couldn’t forget it, the man didn’t have any other family except his son. Degan was all he had and he wasn’t going to let him be forgotten. Her name, however, he wanted to remember the name of the woman who didn’t want him. The one who threw him to the wolves of the world without a second thought. They were together without him. Without Degan, they were happy, and alive. His brain began to jump from each thought like a cat leaping from object to object. They were better off without him. The team seemed better without him. She seemed to be doing just fine without him. 

- - -

No. I am not that unstable. Don’t even jump there. 

- - -

He found himself standing in the back of the gym during class. The rest of his peers were doing laps. Degan was currently snapping back to reality, his legs seemed to be on autopilot the entire first half of the day. As he stood there the entire reason for his mind feeling like a cloud of fog came rushing through. He felt the tears begin to well in his eyes like a glass of water filled to the brim, threatening to spill. He whips his head as fast as he can to locate the nearest door. He closes his eyes hard to keep his tears in, holding a stoic face he crossed the room to the first door he spotted. He walked at a pace that was fast as his legs could move, he didn’t care if he caught attention all he wanted was to leave. To be alone. The way he’s always been.

On the other side of the room two people on opposite sides of the social pyramid had their eyes on him all day. Studying him as he moved through the hallway, the lack of eye contact he made all day, the way he sat -numb- during classes barely moving and barely living. He seemed to operate like a robot. Only one however felt the need to go after him. She felt it deep down somewhere in her gut she felt it tugging towards him. Facing the outside, she felt the cold new york air hit her. Looking around she saw him rounding a corner of the gym. She followed him and stopped when she saw him pressed against the wall with his knees to his chest. His breathing was rapid and he couldn’t seem to stop it. She saw the tears falling and hitting the pavement between his feet. She felt the need again, to go to him, do something to try and fix whatever he was feeling. 

Sitting down next to him she found herself silent. He lifted his head and only looked forward. She stayed silent. Letting him choose when to talk. Chose when to open up. 

Finally, he spoke. “Why’d you follow me?” his tone was curious and guarded. As if her answer would pierce his heart. She thought for a moment before she spoke “I don’t know… wanted to see what you were gonna do -or if you needed directions”. Right. This was only his second week here, everyone assumed he still didn’t know the lay of the land. Deciding to play into this he responded as he would have before he had met her. “I don’t need directions. I don’t need anyon-thing,” he finally looked at her and he was flooded with memories. “-I just… I found out something and I reacted unusually. I’m fine now” he stood up and decided to avert his gaze from her. Just looking at her was difficult. “Well, when you wanna stop being a dick-” she also stood up “I’m Michelle” she turned around and began to walk away. He was now reminded of why exactly he was drawn to her in the beginning. Kicking himself in the ass he shouted out to her “Degan!…-I’m Degan,” she stopped and turned around to face him. “Thank you, I don’t want to be a dick -especially to you, I’m sorry” She looked him in the eyes and could see that he was genuine. The tip of her mouth lifted slightly and she stopped herself even more. “Don’t be, I’d say the same thing” and with that, she left. 

- - -

Okay… so, did I have alittle crying session? Yes. It’s a very healthy thing! You’d do it too! I mean I found myself in a situation that honestly I hope no one else ever has. And my not-girlfriend who doesn’t know she was my girlfriend decided to come to find me. Fuck. I didn’t want to get close to her. I wanted to stay far away and just keep her safe. Just until I could go home. Until I could be with her again. 

OH MY GOD! I sound so boring and serious! You know what! Let's get back on track to the fun stuff huh!... I don’t wanna bore you, you didn’t listen to my story for the emotional wreck I am. You listen for the cool badass stuff I do. 

Right? 

- - -

A few days later Degan was swinging through the sky, he wanted to clear his mind because all he could think about was MJ. Why she followed him, why she took an interest in him? He couldn’t wrap his head around it. Stopping off at a small patio he sat and took a moment. Which is all it ended up being as he soon heard the sound of metal clanging and shifting followed by a few screams. Rushing into action Degan slung himself towards the noise and his spider sense rang like a fire alarm through his whole body. He ducked out of the way and found a pair of chrome stilt legs shooting at him. “No. Fucking. Way.” he laughed as he saw the full ensemble that stood in front of him. A man who looked like Sandy from Spongebob with legs as long as lamp posts stood before him in solid chrome. It was hilarious. His leg lifted up and shot towards Degan who jumped back “please tell me your name is-” an arm swung at him and Degan retaliated by shooting webs across his chest and propelling himself forward like a human bullet. “AT-” he grunts as he pushes off his chest and attaches to the brick of a building. “AT… You literally look so dumb, dude” he couldn’t stop laughing at the sight he was facing.

“What is wrong with you? You insect!” the heightened man yelled out as he turned around and with that Degan plummeted towards the street and used his momentum to web one of the long legs in front of him. Pulling an idea from a classic he began to wrap his webbing around the man's legs and once he regained his original momentum he ran up the front of the man before reaching his glass helmet and pushing off with all his force. This sent the man back towards the pavement with a scream while Degan let out a laugh. 

Webbing the man's arms in place he sat on his chest during the 5 mins it took for officers to arrive, he decided to strike up a conversation. “Soo… you lose fights often?” 

“Not to an idiot like you!” his helmet began to fog up as he yelled at the boy sitting on his chest. “You got lucky this time, next time I’ll beat you… just you wait! Stilt-Man isn’t finished!” he felt a blow to his ego as Degan doubled over laughing at his sentence. Attempting to speak through his laughter “No-... dude- HA- there is no way-... OH MY GODahhhh- YOU’RE NAME IS STILT-MAN!?!?-” this proved to be difficult “I mean.. Seriously? -you know what… thank you man, I needed this…” getting up he made his way to glass helmet, lifting his mask to reveal his mouth he fogged up the outside and with his finger drew a smiley face. He gave “Stilt-Man” one last smile before he walked off towards his favourite view of central park. 

He had some cash on him and decided to hit up a vendor close by, the umbrella that stood over it grabbed his attention. As soon as he got to the man he spoke in his best voice. “I’ll take one sir” The look on the vendor's face made Degan give a genuine smile under his mask. This city wasn’t that much different than his own. As he was handed the dog his other hand produced the bills to pay for it but the man refused. “Spidey… I can’t, not for you” Degan Shook his head and asked the man a question “what’s your usual spot?” the man responded and Degan made a mental note. He offered the man a handshake and then webbed the bills under the umbrella and scaled the building he was looking for. 

Sitting there he found himself thinking about his New York. His city. The nights he spent on patrol with MJ in his ear telling him about her day as dodged punches and webbed Maggia to walls. Hartley and him challenging the other to competitions solely for the chance to win a free hotdog from the other. Those were the moments he missed the most. Now he was alone again. He found grappling with this concept to be much more difficult than he imagined it would be. Jumping back into who he was before he had a family before he had love, it was something that made his throat fill with bile. 

Stop. 

This was who he was before them, he just has to remember how it was, the freedom he had. He could do anything in the city and no one would care, he didn’t go home for three days and no one even noticed. One time he didn’t speak in school for a full week and the only person who noticed was the kid who would cheat off him in physics. No one cared. 

His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of faint footsteps, the tingling in the back of his brain was faint. He stayed still and waited for the steps to get closer.  They didn’t. He figured whoever this was planned only on watching him. So he decided to speak. “The view is better from where I’m sitting” he turned his head and saw the figure. It was the cat. “Or, are you afraid of falling from the ledge? -you’ll just land on your feet though” he cracked a smile at his own joke and then turned his eyes back to the greenery in front of him. Her steps started up again and he found that he had company now. 

She didn’t pay the view any mind instead she kept her eyes on him and spoke inquisitively “What's with the suit? You didn’t have it on last night?” Degan sat up straighter and didn’t answer. “Now the silent treatment…” she leaned closer to his ear “very unlike you spider” he huffed as he lowered his mask over his mouth and looked at her. He was about to speak, about to tell her how little she knows about him, about how he isn’t even the hero she thinks he is. Instead, he just took her in. He took in her appearance, the type of material her suit was made of, the style of it, the intricate detailing added for just her -she didn’t account for someone who also has an eye for detail. He liked it. He took in the platinum hair that sat on her head, from a distance you might think it was dyed but this close he was able to see the line of the wig. She was calculated, hiding her identity through something as simple as her hair.  “I’m not your spider…” 

“Please, we both know you have a soft spot for me” She remained as close to him, she may have even gotten closer by what felt like a subatomic particle. He remained frozen as he processed what she said. His words definitely meant something different to her. “Both of us know this? Cuz I feel alittle left out of the loop” She tilted her head at him, examaning everything abiut him. It was almost like she was looking past his mask. Her hand went to his arm and she felt the material of hs suit. The pattern almost blended into the rest of his suit. She looked at his hands. Her ‘Spider’ would figit with his hands, his fingers would move as though they were tracing an invisible pattern. These hands that she was looking at were still, they rested against the concrete edge with ease. “Do you need a refresher? I’d be happy to help” she grabbed the edge of his blue hoodie. “I’d love to swipe this sometime…” his hand finally moved and grabbed her wrist. “I-uh I…” Degan felt a new emotion stir inside of him, he was hesitant to tell her. Tell her he wasn’t Spider-Man. She spoke for him as his mind froze “Don’t worry-” she leaned in close “I’ll wait till it’s on my floor” Now he was frozen for a completely different reason. He let go of her wrist and stood up faster than he ever has before. “Look, you- you really don’t know me! Like-seriously don’t know me…” he took a few steps back “I’m not who you think I am- really really not who you think I am.” 

She stood up and from afar she began to notice the differences that she was blind to before. His build was different, he was taller… the way he stood was with more confidence. The way he was even looking at her was different. “Holy shit” she breathed the words out as she thought it over. A smirk creeped up on her face, a glint appeared in her eyes as she looked at him like a kid who just got a new toy “There’s two of you…” she took a step closer to him now “Who are you?”  Degan gave her a look that anyone in a mask that is asked that question would give. Seriously? She rolled her eyes at the tilt of his head “Ugh- you know what I mean” 

He was taken aback by her reaction. Actually her lack of a reaction “uh um -Scarlet- The Scarlet Spider” there was a smile under his mask. He felt relieved. He also took a step forward. “I do have a question for you though…” they stayed at this distance now. Only a few feet from each other. “Who are you? -The cops only called you Cat…” he shrugged at her “I’d like to get more”  She kept her smile as she answered him. “Black Cat…The Black Cat” she said it with a tone of mockery, not the malicious type… the friendly kind of mockery. Degan felt a wave of confidence and walked back to the edge. He took his seat and faced the sunset, he gestured the spot next to him and waited. “Maybe we can talk?”  He wanted to connect with someone as who he really was, with someone who might understand the double life… but that's the thing, now he’s living three different lives, the Degan he once was, the version he has to play for everyone now, and the scarlet spider. 

- - -

Okay, I know this was alittle sappy… but it was nice. Honestly, we sat there and talked for an hour. I didn’t really care that she was a thief -now I know that sounds kinda bad. But there was something about her. I learned why she steals. She learned why I wear my mask. The thing was though, I still felt so lonely. I just felt a darkness. 

Shit man. I have to stop this, gotta get back on track… I’ll tell you about what I’m doing in the loft instead.  

- - -

Now, it’s only been three weeks of living in this abandoned loft but rigging it to get power was simple, and all he had to do was sneak into the basement to turn on the water. So he’d consider that he was living pretty large now. He had a collection of blankets he’d gotten from goodwill bins and F.E.A.S.T. laying in a corner on the floor as a bed. There was a single chair he used with two milk crates stacked on top of each other acting like a table. He landed on the roof of the building and went behind a series of vents where he housed his bag of clothes. Changing and then finally being able to enter the building he made his way to the loft with his backpack. As he entered the dark entryway he felt a sense of loneliness creep its way up on him. The room was quiet, the sound of the city acted as background noise while he walked to the kitchen. Opening the fridge he found what he had left from his last grocery run and went to the small pantry he made. He had “borrowed” some pots and pans from the school cooking class and began to make a small serving of pasta. Slicing up the leftover Italian sausage he added it to the small saucepan that was on low heat with a dab of oil. He waited for them to brown and flipped them, the smell of the spices and meat brought back a memory of him and MJ at his small apartment the day he moved in. 

She had run down to the small convenience store at the bottom of his building and picked out the simplest meal that still felt fancy. Degan was upstairs building his bed before he got distracted and decided to set up his tv. His couch from the tower wouldn’t be moved for another day so he placed his pillows on the floor against the wall and sat. Tony kicked him out because they had been having many fights over how the team should operate in the field, Degan didn’t like the direction the old Avengers were headed. So he left. Bruce helped him find an apartment and paid it off for him. After all, Degan still helped out with research for free and hiring someone else would cost way more than what he was paying in rent for the boy. MJ came in and saw him sitting in silence. She knew about what had happened with the team and she knew how hard the last year had been. So she sat too. She held his hand and he closed his eyes as he tried not to cry. He sniffed up any tears he had and stood with a smile as he reached out his hand. They cooked the meal together in what must have been the smallest kitchen in the city and ate together on the floor while the Tv ran an old sitcom. They were too busy smiling and laughing at each other as they ate to care about the rest of the world. 

However, now he found himself sitting in the folding chair alone. The light had broken a few days ago so he still sat in the dark, the lights of a billboard nearby illuminated him slightly. He felt the small tears prickle at his eyes and wiped them away vigorously. He had to stop letting himself do this, dwell on a past that doesn’t exist now. It didn’t feel right. 

- - -

Standing on the edge of the old Stark Tower. That's where he found himself this time. A pigeon sat on an antenna nearby. He was so high up, he felt a breeze hit him and just like the pigeon he didn’t move from his spot. Ripping off his mask he let the air hit his face, being away from all the people and places that reminded him of where he truly was, he finally let a tear fall. It drifted slowly down his face and the trail of it felt ice cold as the wind blew on. “I hate this place” he spoke in a broken voice that he hadn’t used since his mom left him. “Why did this happen to me? Why am I being forced to live in a world where everyone seems to be happier… but- but I don’t even exist?” no response. It wasn’t like he expected one. That’s the whole reason why he decided this was the best place to be. No one could hear him, no one could pity him, or try to understand what he was going through. Because here at least he was alone through his own control, whatever part of the universe that did this to him robbed him of that choice.