edit: kofi has been set up now. very easy!

idk if this is something i need to preface with, but, i am writing this in a good state of mind 👍

scroll all the way down until you see blue text and that's the math segment..

__

it's a ridiculous, and complicated problem. and i have no right to expect anyone reading this to want to get involved. which is why i'll be forthright and say that this is all just my weary explanation of why i plan on doing art commissions sometime in the future (since i can't be worried about that right now.. i got a real job to go to!!)

to set it up briefly: i live in a place where the nearest grocery store is a 2-hour walk away, back and forth. you can't go anywhere without a car.

the entire problem stems from this fact.

i've always had deep-rooted self-esteem issues. and i think it's not a hard thing to relate to that i cut off everybody in high school, and that i had a tendency to self-isolate, and rely on only myself for help (/scared of how people would perceive me, and shame over how controlling my family was -- i just saw it as a point of weakness). i made a vow to throw away everything and everyone and start my life anew as an adult, where i didn't have to be perceived alongside my parents, and be controlled and shamed by them. when i had a proper adult life... i 'didn't want anyone to see me like this'.

i planned to move out as soon as i could.

between 18 and 19 i spent time taking required classes for a license in the field i chose to work in, and all i needed to do was prepare for the exam. i was ready to start preparing for that exam in august 2022.

from this point on, i distinctly remember saying 'i need to get my driver's license first' because it was long overdue, and it would be humiliating if anyone saw my parents drive me for the exam.. remember that.

the first few months were already pretty telling of the themes going forward. and that thought has only calcified with time. it was just a long, windy road of getting stood up, promising things, gaslighting me about the dates, denying reality, dominating the flow of conversation so even talking about what was happening became unapproachable. it was a long and winding road of confusion and anger, just being neglected and lead on over and over and over again.

you might be thinking, 'isn't it irresponsible of you to have waited that long? why didn't you realize the solution sooner?' but it's hard to rationalize the kind of mental gymanstics i've been forced to go through, and with the kind of person i was forced to deal with.

a lot of it was denial. i was very much in denial for a long time. because i didn't have the heart to accept that the situation was THAT bad, that my mom really didn't care what happened to me and was ready to jeopordize my future and my livelihood for her selfish gains. even if it made the situation worse for everyone involved. i couldn't handle a conclusion like that. it felt like my brain would shut down if i did.

and of course the words were very convincing. she was saying all the right things, and she was saying them so earnestly too. in hindsight, listening to it now, she has to be either stupid or crazy. and just like with my dad, i was never able to figure her out at the end of the day. i was never able to understand either of them..

to give a quick run-down: i have no friends in real life (ouch), i have extended family all in russia, i can't ask my brother's friends for help, and my only contact after 6 months left me (an old middle school friend i asked for help. more on this later), and it's dangerous to drive with my dad.

in high school, she was doing much the same thing she's doing to me now, which is threatening to not take me to driving school if i 'keep reminding her constantly about it' (constantly being a few times a month..) i would remind her less and less because i was scared of not having it. i would keep being reprimanded. and then i just didn't talk about it at all.

at the time it was definitely a gray area because i could've done something about it, and just asked my dad instead, but....... i guess i didn't recognize the gravity of those actions, or how much worse it could get later down the line. that was probably the only time i could've been tipped off to something being wrong in regards to driving (before i graduated).

....

so. that just left me with my mom. my mom was the only person i could rely on for driving -- MORE ON THIS LATER -- and again, a lot of it was also fueled by denial. it was stubborn anger. i always just thought 'well it can't be THAT hard to get a driver's license with my mom. it can't be IMPOSSIBLE.' it was anger directed at her for making it into such a hard thing, that also counterintuitively pushed me into more stubbornly falling back on that decision to trust her. because i didn't think it would be so. hard.

.

the solution was always stupidly staring me in the face. but i know it wasn't as straightforward as that. i'm also at a point now where i go easier on myself for falling for her words. it was a very easy trap to get into. it was really insidious. and theoretically, it could've kept going on forever..

i would always be approaching that peak where i thought, 'ok, it's been (THIS) many years. it is just getting so ridiculous, and so long, that it HAS to stop at some point right? it CAN'T just go on forever. she has to see a limit right? she'll wake up to reality right? she's not going to drag me down forever and completely forsake me.'

and i think, with every year, i would've only gotten more and more entangled with her.. if i'm being honest.

i think i'm always going to be unsure. and i'm always going to secretly have hope in my heart that she's going to change, and that 'things aren't as they seem'. there will always be some divide in my heart. i guess that's the damage that gets done by abusers.

but i did reach my own threshold now, and especially after asking for help, that has finally opened my eyes to the solution i could have always grasped. the bitter reality is that i needed to overcome my fear of facing people..

..... it was actually as a direct consequence of asking for help and failing that has lead to such a breakthrough. and in a strange way, i'm thankful for trying because i can finally gain the courage to try everything else >>

about 6 months ago, i overcame my shame of asking for help and contacted an old middle school friend, ~3 or 4 years into this mess.

i had a very fulfilling conversation with them. where i, for the first time in many years, shared the shit i was going through, and felt really seen. they said they lived an hour away. and that on their time off work they'd come and help me learn to drive. after that, i was the only one to initiate conversation from december to now and just about every time i came in to say anything (every few months or so as a reminder) they were always online using instagram.

i was trying to be considerate. since i really don't know this person now that we're both adults, and all i have to go off of is that initial conversation. so i was willing to hold out for any wild card that might happen in life. in truth, i was really frustrated after about 4 months, and i deactivated my account after seeing no reply to an earlier message. that feeling was just slowly growing overtime from understanding to confusion and anger. but i kept convincing myself that sticking to it for at least a year -- or until the permit expired which was close to a year -- was the right thing to do. and that since i was really that desperate, i shouldn't let this chance go until i've exhausted every option.

at the end of the day, i decided to give some kind of proper goodbye before deactivating for a second(/third?) time, because i knew that if i didn't physically draw the line in the sand somewhere i would just keep deactivating and activating my account again (--i only ever made it anyway to reach out for help).

if it went on for any longer i definitely would have felt a lot worse. but it was over basically as soon as it began.

i came to a sudden and strange revelation after all that -- on the day i cut off contact with her. and it was that... it wasn't scary at all. the worst possible thing that could've happened happened to me, and it wasn't that scary. maybe it's because of this tragedy that i've been going through, but i had this scenario held over my head for the longest time, and i was so ashamed and scared of even talking about it with anyone. i thought 'what if they look down on me?' 'what if they hurt me?' 'what if they abandon me?' even back in high school, i didn't want to confide in anyone because i thought 'who would want to help me anyway? no one wants to hear this negative downpour of bullshit. it's of no use to anyone' and, in recent years, it was 'they couldn't help me even if they wanted to'. i was also scared of someone meaning well and calling the police on me. because i wanted to fix this quietly with the help of anyone i could, without it escalating to that level.

it felt like everything in my life, self-imposed or external forces, i was just regressing further and further into my shell, and it would keep reaffirming all my fears and insecurities. and it doesn't help the situation that i've been completely cut off from everyone in the outside world. and each time i would try to escape into something, to deliver me from all my problems or at least one of my problems, it would just set me up for failure and destroy me even more. if that makes sense.

so all these things made me really resistant to reaching out for help for many, many years. and i think the one day i overcame my fear -- if only because of my desperation -- it was like a dam broke loose, and now i'm less afraid of everything. now that the worst has happened.

i'm not really in a state of mind anymore where i can seriously blame myself for the decisions that i made when i was in high school (i mean largely cutting people off and isolating myself from everyone, saying 'i could fix it myself') i mean i was just a kid. and i couldn't have reasonably foreseen things playing out the way that they did. i had no idea what kind of shithole i was in until it was too late.

and you might say, 'well, why not just say you're making a ''help me escape my family''' commission sheet. why divulge all this personal information?' which. fair.

but i thought the situation was so ridiculous that i just had to go into detail about it. because i never heard of any extreme situation where a parent holds a child hostage like this. besides housewives being trapped financially by their husbands or romantic, partners.. but not this, especially if it's on all accounts just dragging us both down into a worse for wear situation. but i wanna know. does anybody understand this? has anybody dealt with this kinda abuse? thank u

in truth i feel very liberated right now. it's not anger coming from the same place anymore of me bashing on my cage. it feels like for the first time in my life there's a straightforward solution. and i was capable of reaching it all along with hard work.

i really tried to be as concise as i could. i left out a lot of bullshit that she excuses herself with, but i will say one notable example where she decides to punish me by not driving with me for a FULL. YEAR.. because i yelled at her a couple times and criticized her. um.

i forgot to divulge something else actually. we would drive very infrequently. a lot of where the conflict stems from is that i complain we don't drive enough. it's like once a week or once every other week at best, and normally falling towards once a month. like just barely, barely driving at all. and then she would deny the reality that i need more practice by saying 'well i did it in under two days so you shouldn't need more than two days either.' just completely.. dismissing it.

at one point in an argument even asking me 'why do you care about a driver's license so much anyway?' when i told her it was 'really important to me'. ...........

..........

..... i'm gonna run you down on the math segment now.

my solution. is to work entry-level jobs to save up money for driving school.

there's three adult packages. but for now i'm looking at one, that i will save up for to buy two times in bulk. 12 hours and 12 hours, to account for failing the driving part of the exam last year and needing to fullfil the 24-hour affidavit. that paper is my only obstacle in the way of taking the driver's exam again and again -- provided my permit doesn't expire. (although i don't see it being a ridiculous amount.. pls have some faith in me 💦)

it's around ~$1200. i said way earlier in the post that i'm making a kofi, but it's not something i'm gonna rely on obviously, and i don't expect a generous amount of help from anybody, or any help at all. it just wouldn't hurt to try, is my way of thinking.