Markoed

I like being alone or at least i convince myself that i’m better off that way. Being alone and isolated is something that has never scared me, everyone around me thinks I’ve got my shit together and i’m on top of everything. The truth is i’m so fucking down all the time, its gotten to the point where i feel like there is no point in anything. It’s like i’m a passenger in my own life and not the driver i feel like i have no control, i never put in any effort and just let things be what they will because at the end of the day no matter what i do everything withers and dies. I’ve been battling these feelings for the last 6 years and i had come to accept that this was something that i had done to myself in my own head so it was something that i myself had to fix but as the years went on it seemed hopeless which is when i arrived at the conclusion. This is how your mind operates and there is nothing you can do to change it. Then everything changed when i meet someone and for a time all was well. For the first time in years that void inside me had been filled, i no longer felt empty. Then the fear came, i am use to feeling depressed and down but being scared of something was new for me. The thing i feared was letting another person in and completely trusting them with my heart and soul, i hate feeling vulnerable and to me loving someone and letting them know that is to completely surrender yourself to them. So if i never let them in and never let them know how much i cared and kept lying to myself about it as well i would never be able to feel that pain, heartbreak and betrayal when it eventually ended right? So before i could get hurt i put a wall up and attempted to make all kinds of excuses to distance myself and convince myself i didn’t need that person. All those reasons i came up with as to why it wouldn’t work i told myself they were true but the truth was none of those things mattered because i truely loved her. I pushed her away every chance i got and told her i didn’t love her or even think about her when she wasn’t around, the truth is i can’t count the amount of times i laid there next to her thankful for that fact she was there and loved me. The fact that i knew i had her there got me through so many nights. Whenever she was there with me i felt like i was home. This whole thing lasted for nearly 8 months and i must admire her for staying by me for so long but there is only so long a person will stay by you when your constantly pushing them further and further away. Towards the end i started to think maybe i could give this person my all and make things work but i knew i had to sort myself out before i could give all of myself to her, so i thought with some time i could fix things. I thought i had more time. Months before we said to each other we were ok with the other person moving on when the time came and we knew it was for the best. I told myself i didn’t care, then it happened. She rang me and told me she had feelings for someone else and it hit me hard. All that pain i had been trying to avoid feeling by not getting attached, i ended up feeling it anyway. It was all my fault i had everything i wanted but because of my fear to love her and leave myself vulnerable, i lost her. I don’t blame her or feel angry at her for any of this, i know it was my actions that caused this. She has the most beautiful and pure soul of any person i have ever met, so i made sure we stayed good friends and still talked everyday, even though at times it could hurt. She helped me learn more about myself than i ever thought possible and i am so thankful for that, my only regret is that i had to lose her to learn this lesson. I will always cherish the memories of us together and i will never make the same mistake again. I will no longer fear love.

Full Hollowfication vs. 2nd Resurrección

i’ve made mistakes / but i’m not haunted / because your love gives me the strength.

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— m.t.//things i’ll never say out loud

Paralyzed // The Used

I’m sick of trying to find myself in others I’m sick of seeking love, I’d rather suffer

And I’m so sorry. That we had to fall apart. Now you’re in my head every night. And I just wanna shut my eyes.