Friendship into Forever- Ilyssah
Brazil! I was so excited to serve my Mormon Mission in Brazil. My friend from the church, Jeffery, got Connecticut (so boring). My mom and dad were so proud. Mom was worried about it being in a foreign country, but the church assured me of my safety. Dad, of course, gave me some tips in case anything bad happens. It was all very standard parental worry and bother. The one person who seemed genuinely worried for my safety was Alan.
"I promise I'll be fine, Alan. It's a church mission, not an armed incursion."
"It's Brazil, and you don't even speak Spanish, Isaiah."
"They speak Portuguese in Brazil."
"Whatever. Look, just be safe, okay."
I joked, but I was really touched that Alan was worried. I'd met Alan in Little League, and we just clicked. We were inseparable after that. We did Cub Scouts, Pee Wee football, Middle School Track, the Academic Decathlon, etc. There was even a rumor in high school that we were lovers. Both of us dating the Gallegher sisters put an end to that rumor.
"I'll be back in 18 months, and I'll join you at State, just like we planned."
He hugged me, actually hugged me. We joked, but his care and concern could be felt in that embrace. He was treating me like his little brother going off to war.
"18 months and I'll text when I get there."
Two weeks. I was there for two weeks and was just getting situated when I got sick. At first, I thought it was the regular flu, then it got worse. I was worried, and so was my companion, Garrett. He thought maybe I caught COVID. I went to the local doctor and passed out in the waiting room.
From there, all I remember is flashes and lots of pain. I knew I was in a hospital and hooked up to all sorts of machines. I would hear snippets of conversation between the doctors and the church pastor in semi-conscious moments. I had some kind of virus. I heard the doctor say transgênero. I didn't speak Portuguese, but the look of horror on the pastor's face told me it was serious, and then I passed out again.
I woke up feeling like I'd run a marathon with weights on every appendage. I looked at the clock on the wall. It had the date on it. 3 weeks? Had I been in this hospital for 3 weeks? A pretty, smiling nurse came in with a bag of saline.
"Ah, you are awake. How do you feel, bela menina?"
"I feel weak. My muscles..."
What was with my voice? It sounded higher. I sounded like Alan's little sister Sophie.
"You went through much, bela menina. But you live. You lucky."
Lucky to be alive? What the hell did I catch? The nurse changed the saline bag, and a doctor came in, holding my chart.
"Ah, Mr. Williams, you are awake. That is good. I think the worst is behind you."
"What did I have, Doc? And what's with my voice?"
"There is no easy way to tell you this, Isaiah, but you contracted the TG Virus."
"That's not possible, Doc. That's super rare. I couldn't have..."
The doctor held up a mirror, and a girl with huge blue eyes and a pixie face stared back at me. When I moved, she moved. When my hand went to touch my face, so did hers. I looked at the doctor and the nurse. I felt tears welling up in my eyes. They just looked back in that cold, professional stare medical people have. I pulled the blanket off me and looked at my body. I tore the flimsy hospital gown off and saw two breasts on my chest and a smooth mound where my penis used to be. I looked at the doctor and nurse again, this time in full panic and tears streaming down my face. They just nodded, and I passed out again.
They kept me for another two weeks for observation. The nurse, Rosita, was my most sympathetic companion. It was her idea for me to come up with a new name, since Isaiah no longer fit me. I told her to write 'Alyssa' on my chart, but she wrote it as 'Ilyssah'. Something about seeing the name on the chart clicked, and I felt myself feel like Ilyssah. I woke up every morning and looked at my name. I walked around to regain my strength and get used to the way my body moved now. Rosita even brought me some clothes from the church donations down the street.
"What does that mean? You called me that when I first woke up."
"Pretty girl. You are a pretty girl, Ilyssah. You are blessed."
I looked at the mirror, and the girl looking back was very pretty. I smiled and felt...happy. She looked happy, and I felt...normal. Was that typical? Shouldn't I be spitting mad and railing against fate or god or something about all this? But I didn't feel that. I felt content and happy. I felt like this, the girl looking back in the mirror, was who I was supposed to be. God works in mysterious ways. Maybe this is who he meant for me to become. Maybe my Mission was to become Ilyssah.
A week later, I was on a plane home. The Brazilian government and the church told my family what had happened. I even called my mom and talked to her for a few minutes. The conversation was...odd. I won't lie and say that I wasn't nervous about seeing them again like this. I went to Brazil as Isaiah, and I'm coming home as Ilyssah.
Mom and Dad were there, and so was Alan. I saw the disbelief on my parents' faces. My mom hugged me awkwardly. My dad...shook my hand. It was so funny how small my hand looked in his now. The person I was most happy to see, though, was Alan. I hugged him, and he hugged me back. It felt good to be in his arms. It was like they were sheltering me and keeping me safe. I looked into his eyes when we stopped the hug, and I could see he was mesmerized by mine. I blushed and felt my heart skip a beat as he looked at me. What was this feeling? This was my best friend. My buddy. My brother. No, not a brother. He didn't feel like that at all.
Home was...odd and...distant. Dad could barely look at me, and my mom didn't know what to do, suddenly having a daughter in the house.
"I...I guess we'll have to go shopping for clothes. I don't think Isaish's clothes will fit you."
"Some of them might, but it would be nice to have a bra that's properly fitted."
The mention of needing a bra sent my father into a baffled unrest. You'd think I told him it was my time of the month and needed tampons. Which reminded me, the doctor did say I would have periods and ovulate now, so...
We went shopping, and my mom eventually seemed to lighten up. I even made her smile once. We got a good assortment of clothes, including a few dresses for church. I hadn't brought up church yet because I wasn't sure whether the pastor had mentioned my return. I asked my mom, and she said they'd talk about it later. I shrugged and continued to look at clothes. The weirdest thought popped into my head as I was looking at some tops. I wonder if Alan would like this? The thought of Alan looking at me and liking me in clothes that way made my heart flutter. I needed to see him again to see if this feeling was all in my imagination.
We hung out on Saturday. He was still living at home since the state university was in our town. We played some video games, he talked about his classes, and I talked about my short time in Brazil; it was completely normal. It was close to dinner time, so I texted my parents to see if I could stay a little longer. The response seemed detached. Either way, we ordered a pizza, and he put on a new movie. Partway through the movie, I curled my legs up on the couch and cuddled into him. I don't know why, but I just felt this need to be close to him. He tensed for a moment but relaxed again. He even put his arm around me. My heart fluttered as his arm encircled me. I felt safe. Probably for the first time since waking up in Brazil, I felt safe.
Things went on like that for a couple of weeks. My parents didn't seem to care that I was spending so much time with Alan. His mom was thrilled that I was home safe. Sophie was nuts. She was like a little sister that I never had. She had so many questions, and she showed me so many things. We talked about girl stuff, and she even showed me how to put on makeup.
Things at home were getting glacial, though. I could feel my dad's eyes on me constantly. When I would look at him, he would look away or go into another room. My mom was distant and elusive in our talks. I asked her about church several times, and her response was, "The pastor says it's not time yet."
I'd been home for about 5 weeks when it happened out of the blue. I had just spent the afternoon on campus with Alan. He showed me around, and we found this amazing park next to the college with a copse of cherry trees. I walked into the living room, and a bag was packed by the couch.
"Your stuff is in there. You need to leave this house."
"Mom, what's going on? Did I do something wrong?"
"You are wrong. You are not my child and I want you out of this house."
"No, my son, Isaiah died on his mission in Brazil. I don't know who or what you are. I want you and your ungodly presence out of this house."
"Your father doesn't say, I do. Take your temptations and sacrilege out of this house of god."
"What are you talking about? I haven't tempted anyone. I pray every day like you taught me, Mom. Dad..."
"Do not speak to him, temptress!"
My world was imploding on me. My mother was berating me and throwing me out of my home. My father couldn't even look at me. He looked embarrassed and ashamed. What was all this nonsense about temptation and sacrilege? I looked at my dad, then I looked at my mom. Suddenly, the dots connected, and my hurt turned to fury.
"You're kicking me out, your flesh and blood child, because your husband has unclean, sinful thoughts about me, doesn't he?"
"What happened, Mom? Did he moan my name while making love to you?"
You'd think I'd slapped her across the face with a Gutenberg Bible. I was pissed off; I didn't expect to guess what had caused all this to begin with. My father burst into tears, and my mother stormed towards the suitcase and wheeled it at me.
"Fine. Have fun with your lies and hypocrisy. Just remember this when you stand in Judgement."
I left the house and broke down crying.
I don't remember the walk to Alan's house. I remember crying and thinking about everything my parents had brought me up in. In that one moment, I saw the self-righteous hypocrisy of their lives. I vowed that I would never become that, even if I had to abandon the church. I would be true to myself, true to my heart, and true to my love. That last phrase struck me as I found myself at Alan's doorstep. I knocked and waited.
"My parents—they kicked me out."
"Come inside. Oh, my god, why?"
Everything was a bit of a blur. I told him what happened, most of it. I left out that part about my dad and the lovemaking bit. I curled up under the blanket we snuggled under when we watched movies. He brought me tea, and I leaned into him. He pulled me closer, and I felt...love envelope me. I felt it pouring through me from him. I felt so safe and loved in that embrace. I knew Alan would keep me safe.
I felt his hand run through my hair, and my heart fluttered. It was the caress of tenderness that made me hope against hope that something was happening. I'd been feeling things, new things, towards Alan for weeks now. But I didn't want to ruin our friendship by assuming something else. My heart wished against the very fates that the small, tender caress meant what I thought it meant.
I looked up at him, into his deep, chocolate-brown eyes. I felt a hopeful tear well up in my eye. The eyes looking into mine held nothing but love and hope. Ok, a little bit of fear, but I understood that. My heart was beating so fast that I could feel it pulsing in my neck. I looked at his lips and prayed to the God that I knew and loved that this was happening.
Alan leaned down, his eyes locked on my lips. I met him in between, and our lips met. If my heart could've leapt out of my chest and burst into a million little fireworks of pure joy, it would've. Every uncertainty and doubt evaporated in that one blissful moment of our lips meeting in a chaste kiss. All fear vanished from my mind, and my soul knew this was why God had given me a rebirth disguised as a virus.
Alan's mother had walked in while my world was exploding beyond the known cosmos. We pulled apart and watched as Ms. Cummings walked upstairs with a knowing little smirk on her face. I looked into Alan's eyes and saw love beyond reckoning looking back at me. I knew in that moment that this was meant to be, and this man, my best friend, was mine from here until eternity.
The wedding was marvelous. Sophie was the happiest Maid of Honor you ever saw. My parents had moved out of state, but I had formed a great bond with the pastor when I returned to the Church. He gave me away since Alan wanted a non-denominational wedding.
We were just out of college, and Alan was about to publish his first novel. It was a romance novel based on us. The publisher thought it had the makings of a best-seller. We were walking across our favorite bridge, looking at the blossoming cherry trees.
"Do you remember what I asked you six years ago on this very spot?"
"Of course. How could I forget? That was the day I became the happiest man on the planet."
"I can make you even happier."
He smiled at me with that smile that melts my heart and makes my knees weak. He wrapped around me, and we looked at the blossoming trees. I guided his hands to the slight swell of my tummy and the beginning of a definitive bump.
"Let me correct that, I know how we can make you even happier.