As I'm sure people on here know, I struggle with anxiety big time, but I also struggle with anxiety induced by OCD, and the last few months have been living hell for me.
I deal with alot of scrupulosity and moral OCD, part of it could be because I am a religious person, (I am happily religious, but I think due to my stricter upbringing, it has effected me in more negative ways) I always have this fear of hurting others or being dishonest to others. And my OCD, has latched on to that with a vice like grip.
Everytime I talk to this friend of mine (this friend and his wife are considered to be my second parents to me. I love my own parents, but I have my surrogate parents to thank for helping me get as far in my life as I have gotten when I dealt with alot of negativity in my own home life. My mom mentally fell apart and left my dad, and my dad was verbally and mentally abusive. That being said, my relationship with my parents is much much better and healthier now, especially with my mom, who is also my buddy, but with that being said, my surrogate parents, I want to do nothing but make them proud and never disappoint them again. I was a horrible mess when I first got to know them.)
But its come to the point, that I'll talk to them, feel absolutely fine, and then either a few minutes to hours or days later, I start to worry and think that maybe what I said wasn't accurate enough? maybe I lied and didn't come clean? Did I relay my story enough to be understood? Did I hold back certain details? Do they understand what I mean? Its over and over and over, been dealing with it consistently for three months now, it seems to just keep getting worse and worse.
That being said, I'm speaking to a therapist tomorrow, so I hope she would be able to help me, because I've been losing peace and rest for three months now, always thinking I never deserve anything good because I'm a liar and bad person. I feel like OCD has its hand around me, squeezing me to make me believe I'm a horrible person.
I'm just so so tired, and even when I try to look forward to things (things I want to buy, art I would love to commission, hanging out with friends, enjoying time off) its like my OCD/Anxiety squashes it down and says I don't deserve to be happy and deserve to suffer.
I am just so so tired.