This Is Water

I honestly want to take a week long vacation to get away from all the drama that is going on here. Right now, my sis is in Houston with her family and my mom went along with them. My sis has stage 4 throat cancer and her tumor is pretty big. So my family managed to buy a truck and a trailer so that they could stay down there since they had no clue how long they would be there. On Monday, she found out that the biopsy done on her, the doctor accidentally took healthy tissue. She was so distraught because if the procedure was botched here, then how could she trust the Doctor during surgery of a trial procedure to help get rid of thr cancer. Anyways long story short she realized that her best opportunity is there in Texas and she decided to do a 2nd biopsy. Honestly, she is the only person right now that is alive that I put on a pedestal above everyone else. There is so much drama going on in my worklife that it's spilling into my personal life. I would take a week long vacation in April and drive to Texas just to spend time with her. I don't remember the last time I hung out with her 1 on 1 and she always told me that she would like to. Only issue is that I'm the one watching her house and taking care of her two dogs. So from here I can only hope for the best. Although I may still take a week long vacation though.

This week is already tough on me and it's not even Wednesday yet. I normally get a little sad during this time of the year because my dad passed July 12, 2004. So the entire week leading up to the 12th get a bit rough. Unfortunately for me, it got real bad. I legit balled my eyes out my drive home from work, put a straight face on when I got home, and balled again for 30 min. I think it's really getting bad for me because I used to have at least 2 jobs during the summer to keep me busy since I would need to save up money for school. Now that I only have one job, all I do is go to work, go home, get high, and play video games/watch youtube. I dont talk with anyone about my personal struggles because 1. I dont want people to treat me differently because they know both my parents passed by the time I was 13 and 2. I dont like the feeling of vulnerability because I friends have constantly come and gone for me. I finally told one of my friends about how I'm just feeling lonely and depressed because of my father. I didnt tell him how I thought the world of him and how (to me) no one will ever outdo him in character and work ethic. It's been getting so bad, that I just dont want to deal with this pain anymore, it is becoming too much of a burden for me to handle. Only reason I'm still here is because my Dad was not a quitter and I suppose that stuck with me which is not healthy if I dont at least share my inner self with others. I'm not sure why I decide to go on here when I'm depressed or extremely happy, but maybe I just write stuff so that I can just read it and make sense of my emotions.